Loving ourselves while healing from relationships

Thankyou @Former-Member , it is a pleasure!!💗 I absolutely appreciate your kindness 💗

Thankyou @Shasan Your words help to give me confidence in uncertain terrain.

Honestly, I do not feel anywhere near the clarity as I did yesterday when I wrote this. The imposter syndrome you mentioned is possibly winning today! Although, my thoughts feel incoherent, I continue to have sense of knowing that I am moving forward & this is my truth. I like your reminder of calm among mess too! Thankyou.🌅

I hope you can hold some kind beliefs in your heart, when things become less clear 💗

I wanted to thank you also for previous post, where you mentioned your field of study. I needed to ask Google, I think I remember it was 'trauma informed mindfulness.'? I had not heard of it before & enjoyed discovering. Meditation for me led to increased anxiety. I was surprised. I like the idea of guided meditations that can gently suggest a particular step, rather than a rigid instruction. It sounds small. I think it makes a big difference. Thankyou for enlightening me to that concept!

Hi @Former-Member welcome to the forums & thankyou for sharing in this thread. I'm sorry to read that things have been particularly difficult for you today. I like to have slow quiet days when possible. I hope you can find strength & calm soon💗 maddison

Hello beautiful @Shasan

I hope you are well.

I have been really focusing on loving myself while healing from relationships. I have said it before - our brief conversations felt like the catalyst for some needed changes in my life. Knowing that someone else 'got me' & that I wasn't deluded in my emotions - (as my entire family would prefer me to believe - and no I don't believe this to be paranoid. I have examined all angles I can possibly think of. I wish I were wrong.) It gave me the push I needed, to 'pull back the curtain' & see that home was in me... all along.

As I stumble through, a clear & new - yet somehow familiar path, it occurs to me today, that I might now be, "afraid to live, without a fear."

At first I thought it sounded ridiculous! Then it occurred to me, "if I have lived my entire life with fear (maybe without knowing it) "it seems totally plausible that living a different way (to what I know) could bring up anxiety, or fears. Most of us are resistant to change, or cautious of new things, I think it's called 'neophobic.'

It seems a strange type of irony to be at this discovery! It also made me question, "I wonder what other parts of my life, I hide behind, with the premise of fear." There must be parts of me that have melded into using this fear as a kind of comfort, or safety. I wonder how much of me, is unnecessary?! I wonder what relief feels like?

I guess it sounds cliche in a sense. I find that many things do, until you experience it yourself - & then it is difficult to find the words to explain it. I felt I wanted to share it with you, that is all.

I think I read in a recent post of yours, that you were finding it difficult to express yourself properly the moment. I'm sorry to hear that. Perhaps you will find a way. Some things are too big to find words for. It is ok to feel that way. Mostly, I wanted to say hello. I am honestly feeling a bit awkward after writing all of that! I'm going to post it anyway - I think....!

Kindest regards,

maddison

@Former-Member @Former-Member @hanami

Hi @maddison

How are you doing? 💞 I've been away from the forum dealing with a few issues but looks like I logged in just in time to read this 🙂

I'm sorry you were made to believe it was paranoid to think or feel how you did - sometimes when humans feel challenged, they can put us down to feel better about themselves 😞 very unfortunate but happens all the time. It's easier to say we're problematic than look at their contribution or lack of it to the actual problem.

My family did the same - When I told them my mum's symptoms they called me overthinking, oversensitive, like I was imagining things and putting more meaning to it than necessary. It's easy to make me the target instead of look at the actual problem.. It's much easier for them to live in denial... This time when mum relapsed after almost 20 years, I'm not there and they're having to pick-up the pieces. They believe me now, but I no longer need their approval and validation. I needed it when I was 18 years old. 🙂 my brother still denies I was there for my mom the previous time. He still thinks this is the first time it's happening - the lengths ppl go to protect their ego!!!!

Sorry to digress from your point, but I was hoping to let you know that you're not alone and your thoughts and feelings are all valid as the care taker that no one acknowledged properly.

Some of the things you've shared require so much courage and thank you for writing to me/us - They seem like a breakthrough realisation. I wonder what action your inner voice is nudging you towards 😃 I hope you find clarity and the path to move forward in a direction that feels uncomfortable but you know that it's meant for you.

Fear can certainly become a coping mechanism and it's a beautiful and incredible realisation. When you're ready to take action and move on, this old fear can hold us back. Maybe it's your inner child still feeling scared to move on, needing reassurance that it's ok to grow and you're protected and safe to do so in your adulthood now. 💕💕💕💕

(Mini reply:)

The words of a true friend. Thankyou @Shasan

@maddison

Hope you're doing well.

I had a visit from our old friend "guilt" making me feel horrible for being away from my aged parents... I'm considering approaching the aged care sector for some mindfulness related work and my inner critic is giving me a really hard time - "well you can't even take care of your own aged parents, what are you trying to prove by doing this"... So harsh! Wow.

I recognize the critical voice, I'm acknowledging it's presence and want to move on anyway...

In the context of this thread, I tried to love myself with compassion and just offering kindness to the critic - she clearly learnt to talk like this from someone who spoke to her like this, when she was really young. 🕵️

I called my dad, expressed what happened and had a little cry and he reassured me they're fine and they'll tell me if I need to travel home. I get very sad when I see older parents with their kids at restaurants... But I know there's nothing I can do visiting back - again, reminding myself and loving myself knowing that:

When I take care of myself, I take care of them indirectly. I'm no good to them when I'm back home, part of the same chaos.

Hi @Shasan ,

Thanks for reaching out. I am 'ok', - upon reading your words, I am better. I hope you are well.

Great insights. I am unsure how difficult it was for you to express all of this, it makes me feel poud of you.

I think I can relate to so much of what are saying. I have also heard those judgmental inner voices that seem to 'assert with authority',

"well, if you can't do 'x' - why would you bother attempting 'y' "

So wonderful that you were able to distinguish this hurtful voice & a wonderful gift you have given me, by sharing & allowing me to also increase my awareness.

I really like your response to this inner critic. I have been trying experimenting with kindness too.

Reading your words, I feel incredibly proud. You have a depth of insight and clear focus in healing. It is inspiring. I also feel honoured that you are sharing parts of journey with me. I feel like, in a tiny way, I am travelling alongside with you.

Thankyou! for your courage @Shasan

Thank you @maddison I feel validated and held with support and kindness. You're so non-judgemental and humane ❤️🥲

Thank you for allowing me to share this journey and for letting me know I'm not alone - I have no other option but to heal because the alternative is living on autopilot with trauma that keeps me in anxiety and stops me from living my life in the present - It's really hard some days and I just want a break but this is the break - everytime we break old patterns, that part of us gets a lil vacation, I guess 🙂

Hi @Shasan

Thanks for replying. I love that you see me as non judgmental & humane. Those are qualities I aspire to & to read that you can recognise them in me, helps to remind me of my 'goodness.'

It is good that we connected with each other. Neither of us have to be alone. I like reading your messages too. We share a 'depth' or "seriousness' that I find easy to relate to in you. It also encourages me to keep moving forward. Some days I allow myself to take the easy road. You are so correct, & profound that, the path of least resistance is really the one that feels hard & uncomfortable in the moment.

It takes courage & perseverance to continue to step forward. We are doing good!!⭐

I think you have developed a lovely kindness towards yourself.

@maddison Yes. we are doing good 😊

Given everything we've seen and heard, to be the version of ourselves that we are now - we are doing good 🙂

I read this on Instagram haha - healing is not becoming a new version of ourselves. It's un-becoming all of those versions that are stopping us from being ourselves 💝

Happy healing and let's heal with a smile 😁 coz otherwise, what's the point? 🤷🏽‍♀️

Take care - I agree with your observations below and I'm so grateful.

Hi @maddison

How have you been?

Just came by the forum to share on a couple other threads - there has been some family drama recently, mostly because of my dad's behaviour.

It's brought up a lot of old trauma. But I'm trying to focus on what's in my control and what's right for my mom's health.

It's extremely hard right now to ignore others irrational behaviour and I wish I could react with kindness, understanding and patience but all I have is multiple thinking traps, stress, anger and impatience.

I'm trying hard to accept myself this way even though it's so far from my values. I'm trying to be compassionate and overcome others gaslighting by getting in touch with my inner child and reassuring her she's not what they're saying - it's hard to believe the words of self-compassion right now but I'm still trying.

I'm having to take a few really difficult decisions and I'm choosing to do what will give me peace of mind instead of accommodating others feelings, thoughts and behaviour and changing my original plan - I'm proud that I'm staying true to my needs and also the logical next step.

It's hard to let irrational ppl be to stew in their own consequences and just move on, but I'm learning how to ignore irrational behaviour - I'm not very good at that but I can see why this lesson was presented to me. I need to learn how to observe behaviour and just let it be instead of going into shock + analysis mode to make sense of it - this is where lot of my unhelpful thoughts and feelings are coming from.

If I decide I'm going to do what's right for me, it is bringing some relief and empowerment back.

It's the same ppl that have contributed to the original trauma, so it's really challenging coz everything is coming at me at once. I've set aside some worry time and trying to stay busy with my day at other times - it's very hard with the excessive ruminations right now... But I'm praying they will settle. Self love when faced with my dislike for my dad is extremely hard right now, but I haven't lost sight of it.

I'm also doing some journalling and mindfulness 😞

Just wanted to share ❤️