Lucy210New Contributor
Disfunctional relationships, making mistakes impulsively without thinking of the consequences
Hi im new to this forum,
first of all I was diagnosed with BPD when I was 16 years old, and ive had constant struggles with This mental illness everyday of my life, in every relationship, at work basically what im saying is this disorder affects every aspect of my life and the consequences of this disorder can be quite difficult to deal with and understand at times. I joined this forum to learn more about the illness but also to be open about the way im feeling and hopefully as a result people will try and be understanding, non-judgemental and helpful.
recently I experienced a BPD relapse and this resulted in a choice of impulsively seeking validation, attention, and comfort with another person other than my partner. At this point in my life I was experiencing heightened emotions in my relationship, I didn't feel fulfilled in some aspects, we were having constant arguments big and small, I didn't feel like I was getting enough attention, I just felt shut out and forgotten about which made it feel easy to seek connection from another person that I had grown close to over the last 2 months. I never intended to grow so close to this person, it felt so easy, so natural, and more to the point it felt comfortable and exciting to be so accepted by this person. but what I didn't realise during this connection there were things I was doing wrong, I wanted to open my mouth so bad and create boundaries but I was scared to lose the person or upset them, this has been a reacurance most of my life when I enter similar relationships. I broke up with my boyfriend a week ago impulsively after talking to this person, its almost like this person got into my head and I allowed him to construct my way of thinking which formulated an idea in my head that there was no point of trying to work thing out with my boyfriend even though thats what my heart was telling me to do, but I didn't do it. I left and went to Sydney the day after the break up. The person I had been spending time with invited me to a band show and went, my friends from our work also came to see the show, it was arranged to stay in a hotel after the show. previous to the show starting I was talking to my partner saying I wanted to try and work things out, he was currently on a camping trip, I thought about this the whole night and I formulated an idea in my head he's friends would get in his head and he would not want to be with me, this made me quite upset and as a result I began drinking a lot whilst I was at the show. I have no re-collection but I ended up at this hotel, originally I was meant to be in the room with my girlfriend but I ended up in the guy friends room and we slept together. I remember sitting on the end of the bed thinking what have I done, I felt horrible, I made a mistake impulsively based on my emotions and trauma, how could this happen...
