Borderline and wanting to connect with others who have trouble maintaining friendships?

Hi @Charlotte01 . Welcome to the forums! I hope you find the support and advice you’re after in a friendly and safe environment. I’m a Community Guide here and I also have BPD as one of my mental illnesses along with depression and schizophrenia.

I too struggle with relationships with others and find friendships hard to keep because of my condition. I’m always scared of people leaving me and me causing too much trouble for them so it’s really hard. I tend to only have 1 real close friend with whom I live with and some other friends I’ve connected with on Facebook and here in the forums. As it is, I feel like I’ve caused trouble with my psychologist whom I probably referred to once as a favourite person of mine so I’m struggling to connect with him despite me seeing him once a month via Telehealth at the moment. I don’t know how to really fix my friendship problems except to apologise for whatever I’ve done and hope it’s okay. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn’t. I’ve just accepted that I’m often too much to handle and that people will either like or dislike me with that hurting at times but realising that there’s nothing much I can do to stop this. I’m sorry I can’t be much of a help with this situation. Just be aware that you aren’t alone with this situation and your thoughts and feelings are valid and have been heard and recognised.

I’ll tag @tyme here who might have some better advice for you and they may know of others who can be helpful and supportive as well.

Take care and stay safe!

Judi9877☺️💐

Hello @Charlotte01. As far as friends and family are concerned, I am even more isolated than you. However, I must say that, from my observation, very few people are without flaws. I am learning to incorporate that possibility in others at all times. I can only work to make myself the person I want to be, but I can't change others. If they persist with unacceptable behaviour and show no desire to improve themselves, I have to distance myself for self-protection. It all comes down to how much I can accept of others. Sometimes, just casual acquaintance is safer. From there, we can take the time to understand them, and perhaps ourselves, better. Cheers.

Thanks very much, historylover for your insight. I guess I wish I could be grateful that I have family and a very small group of friends. Yet I know my life could be richer and more connected if I could allow others to disappoint me, and I could make peace with the fact that we are all imperfect humans.

I also know if I could truly accept myself and find compassion for the fact that I suffer a lot, then maybe I could get better at accepting others.

Thanks again for your wise words.

Sending you all good wishes, @Charlotte01.

I Have BPD and I go through the same thing Its love and hate relationship, I too put the one I love on a pedestal and if something goes wrong She becomes bad and I hate her and not long after that I love her again its a vicious cycle. I have serous trust issues as I have been hurt too many times in the past. I see things as black and white, never in between, they are either really great or really bad. Im in my 50s and Im having trouble even finding a relationship because I just dont want to be hurt anymore on the other hand Im feeling empty on the inside. Im not going to give up on finding love. There road is rocky but im sure we will get there in the end

Hey @Crabito ,

That sure is an accurate account of the life of a borderline (speaking from experience).

The ups and downs and round and rounds. There's never a dull moment.

I have found BPD one of the hardest things to live through, but once you've come out on the other side, it is incredibly rewarding.

tyme

Hey @Charlotte01 ,

Thank you for sharing BPD story. You have described the push/pull relationships so well. It reminds me of the book, “I HATE you, don’t leave me”.

Mentalisation Based Therapy helped me the most. I didn’t see the huge shift in my thinking until I completed the program and stepped into the real world. After 18 months of painstaking individual and group therapy for over 3 hrs a week, I saw a remarkable change.

Therapy was to encourage participants to sit in the “no knowing” stance. To be okay with not making assumptions. To be okay with not reacting and firing, but to create a space in which I was in control.

Today, in terms of relationships, I no longer jump to conclusions and lash out. I pause, wait, breathe, sit in the curious/not knowing stance, then come back to the situation if needed (at a later time). Of course I still have “BPD moments” but that’s a given seeing I’ve lived that way for over 30 years!

You are in a great place @Charlotte01 because you have an awareness and insight into the behaviours that are not working for you. Only then can you work with them.

All the best,

BPDSurvivor

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