Hi Tyme,
Thanks for your letter. I went to a psychologist on the 10 Medicare supported visits, as we couldn't afford it otherwise. I told her, in more depth, the things I told you, and her reaction was 'surely things weren't all bad'. So I didn't feel heard there either. My isolation (self-imposed or not) comes from the very things that have made me who I am, beginning in early childhood. I was taught that I wasn't a valued person, and it remains in my psyche now, and has been validated by all the things that have happened to me, and all the ways I've been treated for most of my life. I also think because I've always had really low esteem, that I may have taught people how to treat me, as I never expect to be treated well, or with respect. I was sick of being labelled and verbally put down by my mother, so I waited until I was 16, so she couldn't get the police involved, then ran away from home. My father was just an angry, distant person that lived with us, so there was no support there. After my mother died when I was 21, the abuser came into my life, and because I believed I deserved the treatment, I put up with it for 3 years. Part of the abuse caused me to become pregnant, and part of the abuse caused me to miscarry. When I finally escaped, I joined a fundamentalist church, (I will never set foot in another church as long as I live) which was also rife with forms of abuse, and I married the first person that wanted me (that's how I felt about myself, settle, 'cos it's the best it's gonna get). We moved to a very isolated property, no neighbours for miles, and the next few years were isolated. I suffered 2 ectopic pregnancies in the first year of our marriage, and went through 7 failed IVF attempts while there. The marriage ended when I read his diary (yeah, I know, but glad I did) and discovered how he really felt about me, but wasn't man enough to be truthful and let me go. So I moved back home, re-joined the church momentarily, and met my current husband. As the church was a fundamentalist christian one, they believed in old school marriage rules, and so we respected them. After we were married, it became apparent that my husband was not capable of normal marriage relations, and that's how it's been for the last 25 years. (platonic friendship) We had 1 IVF attempt in the beginning, instead of growing eggs to harvest, I developed ovarian cysts, which I have to this day. Then I went straight into menopause, and I was still in my 30's. IVF is a devastating process, and after each loss I had to go straight back to work and be confronted with pregnant bellies and babies. I stayed in my shell. I had a few good years in the early noughties, when acquaintances had no children around, and then the grandchildren began to arrive, and I couldn't relate to their happiness and full lives, when my own reality was so different. Despite how lacking things were in my marriage, he was and still is the nicest, gentlest person I've ever met and is my only true friend, but our friendship is complicated by what's missing, and by his slight autism, and his naivety renders him incapable of truly empathising with the 'lot' that has been and is, my life. Because we met later in life, we weren't as financial as our peers, and so embarked on some real estate reno's that were sending us in the right direction. 7 years ago, we found our beautiful home on an acreage in the bush, my father died at the same time, my brother (who is as injured as I am, but his injuries manifest in anger, hatred and narcissism, we won't ever see each other again) had to be paid his half of my father's meagre estate and we lost over $130k. After all our hard work and struggles, we were back where we started. That's when I finally cracked properly, and spent 2 years on the floor in tears and misery before I gave life one last shot and went to the psychologist that I mentioned earlier.
That's probably it, in a very compacted summary. Thanks for giving me the forum to say some of it. Really is much appreciated. Jilly x
