Hi all, I'm new

Hey everyone

I'm new to this forum but certainly not to MI. I'll give a bit of back story, I think mainly to get it out of my head (as it is running in circles) and hopefully I'll be able to sleep tonight.

So my first encounter with MI was when I was 9 and my parents took me to a psychologist. I'm not sure why but I understand that I had some coping problems and I was maybe anxious. I refused to talk to them and I didn't have to go after a while. Then I realised I must be depressed when I was 16 when all I wanted to do was sleep and was miserable, for waaay too long. Life had no joy and I struggled to connect with anyone in my life.

I tried seeing another psychologist when I was 19 year uni with mixed results as I was having self harm and suicidal thoughts.

At 22 I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety as I was having anxiety attacks that would leave me frozen in a ball for quite some time. Medication and frequent visits with a psychiatrist followed and I improved until just after the birth of my first child when I was 25. Severe PND kicked in and I got worse. Support was rallied after about 3 months and I stabilised.

At 30 just before the birth of my second child support was put in place and I coped much better but still had mild PND.

At 32 I had what we realised afterwards was a hypomanic episode in which I left my husband, fell pregnant to another man and participated in very risky behaviour. During this pregnancy I was monitored closely due to the stress that I was under and was severely depressed most of the pregnancy. I was closely monitored for PND but when my 3rd child was 4 months old, the decision was made that I had BPII.

This diagnosis was the most devastating as I had come to terms that I had a MI and that depression and anxiety were a part of my life (however I had managed my anxiety so well that I had not had a panic attack for years). I knew how much more serious my BPII diagnosis was and that it was even less accepted in society than depression and anxiety.

Many of my friends and family knew about my depression and anxiety diagnosis but it has been 4.5 years since my BPII diagnosis and I have told almost no-one. My immediate family know, but I don't think they understand the disease very well. I had told my current partner - and he doesn't believe the diagnosis. Finally in the last year I have told 4 of my closest friends. I am too embarrased and ashamed of the disease to let anyone know.

I realise now that I don't have to do this alone. I do need to connect with others who understand that this journey is not an easy one and that support is available.

So, thats my story.

I feel better for getting that off my mind.

Thanks if you got this far