Looking back at old things

Hey @ArraDreaming The greatest thing about this community is the ability to look past those things you described from the past and focus on the person you are now. We all learn, grow and change with every passing day. Some of those things are minor and we may not see then at the time but the mere fact you have reflected on the person you were years ago and can see how much you have changed is a reflection on your own insights and growth. It is so hard to see that growth in steps for ourselves when we are dealing with our MH issues day to day - but look how far you have come and be proud of the person you now are. I have nothing but respect for you looking back and seeing how unwell you were but even more respect now for the person you have become and the work you have done to get here. The past is the past - look now at the You now and how much more is yet to come for you.

HI @ArraDreaming I appreciate the concern you have for others. I can also relate to that reflection - "bloody hell I was unwell". I've also looked back at times and thought the same. It's startling. I go through life trying to be a certain sort of person and mental unbalance makes it hard. I trust that the people around you know who you are in your heart, the same as I know the people around me see the good heart in me.

I really made some others peoples lives difficult @PeaceAndJoy all because I didn’t know how to not make mine not so difficult

I feel so ashamed mostly.

Hi @ArraDreaming

Your past is painful, maybe because u have grown and wouldn't do that now? I'm sorry it hurts so bad.

I find it really triggering to go back. Sometimes I open up my old emails or medical records in my therapists office, so he is there with me.

Just letting u know u are not alone.

@ArraDreaming @EternalFlower I know the feeling. I've been going through old papers trying to declutter and it's quite confronting at times. I must have been very difficult to work with. But remembering and acknowledging the pain I experienced and that I must have inflicted on others is maybe part of processing and healing so my relationships can be better in future. Feeling shame and guilt is reopening old wounds and revisiting trauma when I'd prefer rebuilding trust where I can or at least finding some sort of closure. I've asked my psychologist for help with acceptance and commitment therapy - maybe it will help me move on. I'm just concerned that shame and self-loathing are such negative emotions and if we can open ourselves by sharing our feelings and asking for support.we might be better off.

Hi @Dimity

While it has been very triggering for me too, it has been healing

There is a part of me in my old self, and I want to Run away from it, but without my past I wouldn't be where I am now, I am feeling that embracing or at very least allowing our past has value.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy has helped me, combined with exposure therapy, and I use psychodynamic fherapy regularly. I think developing a trusting and healthy relationship, with a therapist or otherwise, can help work through the past.

Hi @ArraDreaming

I just wanted to jump in here to say how much we value you- it's so hard to look back on those times when you were doing your best to get through moment to moment. I hope you know that here on the SANE Forums, we see you for the person you are now, and the strength and resilience that you have shown to be at this point in your recovery!

I can really relate to the feelings you have mentioned- there are times I have looked back on how I communicated (or the times I didn't communicate and should have) when I was in a bad mental health space, and it can be really hard to sit with. In fact, I actually made the decision to delete a whole heap of communications from those times to help me start again.

Please know we are sitting here with you, holding those feelings with you, and seeing you for the person you are today

Thank you @Daisydreamer I don’t know why I did that and I can’t get past it, I was so awful to everyone