MistyDawnNew Contributor
Uncertainty
Hello! I'm old - an almost 52 year old woman who has suffered with BPD for over 25 years. I fit the profile perfectly. Like an Alcoholic will always be an Alcoholic, I think a Self Harmer will always be a Self Harmer. It's learning to control why it's done and considering other options.
At the moment, things are finally going well for me. I've gone back to the job of my dreams and am managing it quite well, after spending years not being able to work. I have met the man who empowers me and loves me for me, and can see through the Mental Illness. I'm still here, despite numerous attempts to not be. My Psychiatrist did mention that if you can manage to stay alive till your mid 40's, you'll get better, and I've been blessed with that situation.
I still struggle, everyday - some being worse than others. My husband and I are in a tough situation - he can't get work where we're living, a small rural town and his father is a long, long way away and terminal with Cancer. We need to move, and while the profession I'm in allows for easy access to jobs, my husband's is more specialised. So we're looking at moving, but we need to move to a place where my husband can get work. I have this great job lined up and we were all set, when suddenly an interview came up for him in a different place to where my head had settled for us to move. Now everything is full of uncertainty - where are we moving to, do we rent or buy, will we have enough money to move, are we close enough to his Dad, will I get a job that I want etc.
I should add that since my partner has not had work, his mental health has seriously gone downhill, with feelings of lack of self esteem/worth, being a failure and so on. This is hard, as at the moment we are living away from our families and therefore supports - only being able to rely on each other. I guess in a way, we're limiting our sharing of true feelings, worried that we'll upset the other.
How do I stay in control in such an environment of uncertainty? I hate change and the unknown, relying on routine and the expected to remain calm. My physical self has been impacted, with a tight chest, stomach pains and just an ache in my body. I'm so overwhelmed with worry and fear, trying to keep it all together is so hard. At least I have the knowledge that in a couple of weeks I will have answers, but it's getting through those couple of weeks.
Any advice/support would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading through!
