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Downward slide

AyeshaSenior Contributor03 Oct 2016, 8:47 pm AEDT

Downward slide

I am having a lot of symptoms and also have been quite manic the last 3 days, have really overdone each day and am in physical pain every night.

Death came to visit me in form and I'm cautiously scared it's coming my way..... I think I might have cancer or something equally horrendous. The physical pain each evening is huge .,, I am broken. I am hallucinating both auditory and visually. I am scared/ not scared to be honest.

I have schizoaffective disorder, OCD and anxiety

I'm becoming more and more fearful of contimination (a fear that is OCD and rears its head every now and then) and I haven't had my meds for 2? Or 3? nights because I'm scared of the chemicals that are no doubt poisoning me and causing all sorts of health problems.

My body is broken, I am in so much pain all the time low grade but high grade at night. I can barely stand (it).

The visit from death was horrific and shook me but I can't say anything to anyone because they will tell me it's all a symptom. However I know it's not....

I have gone from being so fatigued and literally on the point of collapse to not being able to stop myself from doing stuff and keeping busy. One extreme to the other. That, in itself, is exhausting.

I see my psychiatrist on the 20th.... I don't want to spiral down. I need to stay up and on top of my life. I can't fall like this again.

12 replies

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In response to: Downward slide

KurraSenior Contributor03 Oct 2016, 9:06 pm AEDT

Re: Downward slide

Hi @Ayesha

I can understand what you're experiencing at the moment because I have been like this too.

It might be worth considering going to the hospital because they can help you with the severe pain you're having and they can also help with the auditory and visual hallucinations. They can be absolutely terrifying. I know too well just how frightening it can be.

Can you get yourself to the hospital? They can check if you do have cancer or not. They can also help you with the mania too.

Keep talking to us here and we can help you find the strength to go to the hospital.

Thinking of you 💕

In response to: Downward slide

AyeshaSenior Contributor03 Oct 2016, 9:12 pm AEDT

Re: Downward slide

Thanks @Kurra I don't consider myself sick enough to go to the hospital and I don't feel absolutely desperate enough to go to the hospital if that makes sense?

I may or may not call my psychiatrist tomorrow.... most likely not but I will at least consider it.

I find it intensely difficult to ask for help....it's so hard to do so.

Thanks for replying ..... If death in it's form stays away I'll cope ok

In response to: Downward slide

KurraSenior Contributor03 Oct 2016, 9:19 pm AEDT

Re: Downward slide

Asking for help is incredibly hard @Ayesha! I'm getting a little better at asking but I need to learn to ask earlier than I do. It's much easier for the hospital to help us if we don't leave it too long and we also tend to get better a lot quicker too.

I hope the voices and images start to bother you less. They can be extremely unsettling.

Take care of you 💕

In response to: Downward slide

AyeshaSenior Contributor03 Oct 2016, 9:24 pm AEDT

Re: Downward slide

A thousand deaths..... that's what is happening. I just don't want to know when.

It's so freakin ironic.... years ago I made 2...one very serious.... S attempts .... I was deep in the throes of depression.

Now? Now I want to live... and live well.... so bad, I'm desperate to be healthy.

and now I fear my time is ???? What??? When????? I just don't know but I'm scared.

In response to: Downward slide

QueenieSenior Contributor03 Oct 2016, 9:27 pm AEDT

Re: Downward slide

Death in any form must be terrifying and very troubling for you. You sound distressed in your post at least.

Is there a GP that you trust that you could see about the physical pain? You needn't suffer with the physical pain and a GP can always run tests to see if you have any life threatening illnesses like cancer.

Hallucinations can be also very distressing also. I live with them daily as I live with schizophrenia. It might be worthwhile talking to your GP about this and also let them know your reasons for not taking the prescribed medication. I've also stopped taking medications in the past due to worries about the chemicals they contain, but be rest assured, they were prescribed to you for a reason.

Standing beside you,
Queenie

In response to: Downward slide

AyeshaSenior Contributor03 Oct 2016, 9:32 pm AEDT

Re: Downward slide

I am meant to take 3 different drugs twice a day for the pain but now I've become too scared to. Chemicals.

I'm seeing my GP on Wednesday afternoon actually.... I so desperately want to tell him but am scared.

Oh I know what he.... and what my psychiatrist.... will say, I know damm well..... it's all about the medication.

It's just not that easy..... I just can't do it, the fear is too great and I'm so scared of the chemicals

In response to: Downward slide

KurraSenior Contributor03 Oct 2016, 9:39 pm AEDT

Re: Downward slide

Wait until you see the GP on Wednesday and have a chat about the chemicals. I'm sure that the GP will be able to suggest something that will help you. Hugzzz 💕

In response to: Re: Downward slide

QueenieSenior Contributor03 Oct 2016, 9:42 pm AEDT

Re: Downward slide

I wouldn't be scared @Ayesha, your GP is there to help you. Hugs x

Being without your pain medications will no doubt have bearing on your pain levels. Can you last out until Wednesday afternoon when you see him? It doesn't need to be about medications. If you're really uncomfortable about taking it, can you discuss alternatives with him?

Me, I learned that medication is important for me to stay well. I have worried about the chemicals in them (and for this reason stopped taking my meds several times), but now see that while there are chemicals in my system, they are beneficial for me to function better. I'm not trying to push medications on you, but how about writing down the pros and cons for each alternative?

In response to: Re: Downward slide

JoeTheLionSenior Contributor03 Oct 2016, 10:58 pm AEDT

Re: Downward slide

Hi @Ayesha,

Sounds like a really rough time. Hang in there. Will email you shortly.

I imagine you have gone through this before yeah. What has helped you to get through feeling like this the other times?

Thanks @Kurra and @Queenie for your wonderful support.

Joe

In response to: Downward slide

AyeshaSenior Contributor07 Oct 2016, 9:21 pm AEDT

Re: Downward slide

Feeling really unstable tonight. Saw my GP and he asked what (out of the ten medications I take a day) I considered to be the most important to my MH.

We agreed it was the antipsychotic and he has urged me to focus on just taking that one pill to start with.

I've taken it twice since Wed (missing a inbetween dose). It just about destroyed me to take it.

Anyway feeling unstable..... SH..... different forms..... I feel destructive.

Trying so hard not to be irrational but it's difficult when the lines between rational and irrational blend

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