STPB

Hi @Joonbug ,

Welcome to the forums 💛

It sounds like you have put a lot of energy into caring for your children and supporting your husband through counselling and his diagnosis, so it's completely understandable if you're feeling burnout. It seems as though there hasn't much space for yourself and your needs or feelings. I'm wondering if you have any professional support outside the marriage counselling or a trusted friend/family member that you can turn to? You don't have to do it alone, and your thoughts and feelings deserved to be heard.

I hope you find a supportive community here,

cloudcore⛅

@Joonbug

It is a pretty serious diagnosis and hard work to be a spouse, wife and mother with kind of profile. There are no easy answers once a family has been made. I can imagine you are pretty weary of it all by now. Get the psychological support you need and establish some base needs for yourself. I had a husband diagnosed with Schizophrenia. I was motivated and really tried, but after my mental and physical health really suffered, I had to leave after 16 years. Both my children recognise that it was necessary in our circumstances.

Thank you for commenting.

I started seeing a new therapist last week actually. He has advised I do some journalling to get my thought and feelings out. I also have a couple of close friends I walk and talk with every few days.

I'm so deflated and lonely, I wish I could see the grass would be greener if/when I leave but I can't see it.

Not saying the grass will be greener. For us it is still complicated. It is good you have some supports in place. @Joonbug Maybe the right thing for you is different. Find your own path step by step.

Hi @Joonbug I want to acknowledge the strength it takes to stand up for yourself and your family. Sounds like you have taken some difficult steps and are learning along the way, glad to hear you are getting support for yourself. I'm wondering if the people at Relationships Australia may be able to offer any advice if you did want to leave and to do so respectfully. We are here to support you in any way we can. 💝

Thank you all so much.

I feel safe, but when I have suggested separation in the past he behaved in a way I didn't expect (removed all the car keys, purposely took the car I drove, and told the kids he "owned" both the cars). So, although he appears to be functioning now, I honestly don't know what he would say/do.

My fear is not having enough money, my children being angry if they have to miss out on things (they do ballet everyday just about), or the flipside if I stay they will think being emotionally abused and having a disconnected partner is an acceptable way to be treated. I am scared of the resentment he will have towards me and if that turns into punishment via the kids. I was also told (pre-diagnosis) that he would likely get 50% custody which scares the crap out me.

So, yes I have made my decision I guess but the inner torment is stopping me from moving forward. That's why I sought my own therapist out as I can't find any peace with it. My friend who I walk with suggested I am still putting his happiness in front of my own.

It does feel good to get it out, but I also feel helpless and stuck.

Hi @Joonbug ,

Thank you for letting us know you feel safe. That sounds like a really difficult position to be in, to feel like choosing to put your wellbeing first will result in repercussions for your children. It's not an easy path forward. I'm glad to hear you have the support of a therapist - sending you strength 💛

Hi @Joonbug

Thanks for replying & letting us know you are safe. I actually didn't know if my post was appropriate - I am still learning here.

I'm happy you were able to share so much. It takes alot of energy & stress to organise your thoughts & write them out.

Your situation sounds so complex. Also it sounds like you have an excellent grasp on on all the different factors, or parts that need to be identified & weighed in on.

If I could give you any advice, & honestly my situation is so similar that I hardly have the right to - nevertheless😐 - I would say that 'if you removed all the guilt you are experiencing & looked at at things from that perspective' (hypothetically?) could it will help with clarity? (I'm not trying to suggest you stay or leave.)

It sounds like you are doing amazing job, considering the enormous complexities you are dealing with. Also, I get it, that words are not enough👍

Hello @Joonbug

Sorry you are feeling helpless and stuck. I know that feeling it is not pleasant. I also encouraged my partner to seek help by threatening to leave. It makes for a difficult situation although even looking back now I am not sure how I could have done anything differently.

I am wondering how grief is playing out in your current decision making process. The problem is that having a diagnosis is not the same as having a cure. In my experience it can be hard to come to terms with the loss of future possibilities which now become improbabilities.

I can understand the fear of leaving leading to negative outcomes. I am wondering if you can work on that slowly as I have done pursuing independent means as part of your self care plan. For example you mentioned that your partner took away the car keys and told the children that both cars were his. I have made sure that legally I have my own car. Also I have separated finances somewhat to ensure I have the means to handle a transition period should the need arise.

If I do leave one day I will plan it in advance and make sure I am gone before my partner finds out. Just in case. Also maybe consider who might be able to help your partner deal with things more appropriately.