Long time reader

Hi everyone,

I thought I would introduce myself. I was diagnosed late in life relatively speaking. Two years ago at the age of 53, with bipolar 1. I do think I had bipolar from a much earlier age, it just wasn't so extreme in earlier days. I've been treated for depression most of my life.

Initially I had a great experience with medication. I felt well and not depressed, and not manic either. Just right in the middle where I was supposed to be. However that medication started to fry my kidneys very seriously so I had to change. Things have been hard ever since. I have tried nearly all of them and have bad reactions to most. It's very frustrating.

It took me over a year before I started to educate myself about bipolar. I started to borrow some books from the library, and downloaded some on audible and I was surprised by some of the things I learned. The worst thing was that bipolar is considered a degenerative illness, so you can get worse as you age. I'm not sure if there's anything you can do to prevent that. I'm finding it harder and harder to go to work. I'm getting a lot of anxiety around work, feeling as if I'm not up to par, and I think the medication causes me to do this blank stare through people which is embarrassing and makes people uncomfortoble. I'm debating about whether I should talk to HR. When I'm manic I seek out friends and I have all these grandiose plans - last time it was buying a camper and taking off for a trip around Australia, and then when my mood crashes, I avoid people like the plague. I literally only have energy for work and sleep and basic personal hygiene. My friends give up on me and I've lost some permanently. My kids have a facebook group where they "manage" me. Last time I was in hospital, only 1 came to see me, and that was out of necessity. I didn't have a second person to put on my visitor's list. I'm pretty much out of support people, except for my therapist, and of course, there are boundaries in that relationship, which I fully understand. My therapist and psychiatrist are great.

I've still got a lot to learn about self care and triggers and a bunch of other stuff, but I am getting there. I'm still in denial until I remember some of the psychotic features I experieced. I'm on 3 different medications now and I feel so flat - it's like walking through mud. It's about 3 months until my next psych appointment and I'm working on a list of side effects with the hope of being taken seriously and some changes being made to what I'm taking now. Usually, even when I'm depressed, I can put on a "mask" and summon some fake energy for work, but right now, I just can't manage it. I feel like people must see a difference in me, and that really bothers me.