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Where do I turn?

BengalcatCasual Contributor16 Mar 2022, 9:43 am AEDT

Where do I turn?

I feel like I'm quickly falling into a black twisted hole I can't get out of. I have years of mental torture with PTSD and suicidal ideation.

I wrote this the other night after a nightmare woke me with physical pain. It's not a suicide letter, it's just a journal entry.

I'm a horrible person. Ive never deserved such an amazing, loving, caring and protective man in my life. The love of my life.

Why would I take my life? Because I feel like the pain I've felt for the last 22 years and the pain I'll continue to feel far outweighs a single loss.

I never deserved my 3 gorgeous children. They deserve a mum that the system doesn't see as dysfunctional or unsuitable to be a parent.

What I don't deserve is to be stripped bare by a man who's only ever care in the world has been his own and a system that I'll never fit into. What I do deserve is an escape from that pain I've lived for more than half my life. This isn't a pain that will go away or "heal in time with therapy"

I've tried everything offered to me only to go back around in circles. I'm too dizzy to go through all the circles again.

I've been chewed up and spat out of the public and private system almost my whole life and I have no where to turn anymore

4 replies

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In response to: Where do I turn?

travellerSenior Contributor16 Mar 2022, 9:59 am AEDT

Re: Where do I turn?

Hi @Bengalcat, it sounds like times are tough. i hope you have supports on board, as although this is a supportive forum you may need more professional consultation?

Anyway i hope you can feel supported but also remember there is Lifeline on 131114.

Kind regards Traveller (mod)

In response to: Where do I turn?

HistoryloverSenior Contributor16 Mar 2022, 11:43 am AEDT

Re: Where do I turn?

Hello @Bengalcat. I think we are treading the same path. I can assure you you're not a horrible person. Perhaps others are trying to convince you of it – don't let them.

You said "What I don't deserve is to be stripped bare by a man who's only ever care in the world has been his own and a system that I'll never fit into. What I do deserve is an escape from that pain I've lived for more than half my life. This isn't a pain that will go away or "heal in time with therapy"

I've tried everything offered to me only to go back around in circles. I'm too dizzy to go through all the circles again." You took the words right out of my mouth.

You clearly deserve better than you're currently getting, @Bengalcat. Stay strong.

In response to: Where do I turn?

Eve7Senior Contributor16 Mar 2022, 2:54 pm AEDT

Re: Where do I turn?

Hey @Bengalcat

I'm so sorry you feel this way and I doubt that you are a horrible person because if you were, you wouldn't be so concerned about the impact you have on those who love you.

You are welcome to share on these forums at anytime and there will always be someone to respond but I truly hope you have some professional support at this time.

Lots of love ❤️

In response to: Where do I turn?

creative_writerSenior Contributor17 Mar 2022, 2:12 pm AEDT

Re: Where do I turn?

@Bengalcat it sounds like things have been very difficult for you. I feel like PTSD often affects our sense of worth, and it’s hard to convince yourself you really are worthy, but you are as good as any other person. Remember we are always here to support you ❤️

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