Bipolar and deciding to stay single

Since I was a kid I knew something was wrong. I've always wanted friends and yet never been able to hang onto them. Primary school, high school, my first two jobs, I never fitted in, couldn't quite relate, was always that little bit different. Being a red head a lot of my symptoms as far as being moody and emotional were put down to my hair color, masking what really lay underneath I believe.

I never wanted to be single. Right from an early age I had a picture of what I wanted for my life. A wife and normalicy, I had never been able to make it really happen and I thought settling down in my early 20's and getting married to whom I thought was my life partner would fulfill my dreams to have that 'one person' in my life. I only ever wanted one person, never able to really cope with being social. Long story short that marriage lasted 9 years and two children before an affair ended that.

I stayed single for two years and my bipolar put me in and out of hospital and psych wards. I lost everything except a few things from our business and a car and $500 caravan. But I mourned that marriage more than I have ever mourned anything in my life. And yet I could not wait to be married again. A huge part of me was missing, and who I thought was my best friend turned out to be then and even now my worst enemy.

I got married again and had another child. For 7 years one of my children from my previous marriage lived with us. We worked well together, and helped and supported each other, me with a mental illness and her with a physical incurable illness. That marriage would have been 14 years next month. I seperated, or rather left under a police escort 2 months ago. I have always been med complaint. Never voilent towards another human or animal. Been in therapy for the last four years. Manage to hold down to very small part time jobs. I did have another breakdown three years ago which caused me to loose my business again and after trying to get better and not being able to deal with any sort of stress, we closed it down when we seperated. It had been running successfully for 13 years. Again, I lost house and child, leaving with tools car and caravan. The affair is unclear, however the same drawing apart happened, with just too much hard work and life more fun and easier without you being quoted as the main reasons for wanting me gone. At the moment it is amicable, although I am extremely bitter.

The reason for this post is not for a woe me or to ask for pity or sympathy. What it is for is to ask if and how others with bipolar who have been hurt or decided that they would not inflict their bipolar ups and downs on a marriage mate cope? How and has anyone found contentment being single after marriage and if so how? What fills the void left of having someone in your life, especially when you are a person who is the epitome of 'leave me alone but don't go'...........