Putting up a fight

Hey @Bipolar94,

That sounds pretty serious and it might be worth you seeking some help. You said you wished you could check yourself into a mental health ward, can I ask what's stopping you?

You also mention you have been a nurse before, and you would have seen that trying to mend a broken arm be yourself usually leads to a hospital visit thats much worse to treat. You're at the point where you seem like you have a big wound, and just because it's not visible, does not mean you should not engage some help to set it and allow it time to be fixed.

@Bipolar94 -

I get it about your son, but it would probably be worth doing some research or talking to legal aid anonymously to get clarity if thats would be an option they would take. I honestly don't know, but I think sticking your son with a total stranger just because he has a male appendage would be drastic action. You should seek to get answers to that question as it feels like something thats holding you back.

You mentioned that you have more than 1 issue, is there one that sticks out that you feel you need to deal with right now?

@Bipolar94

TEll me about him and your fears about him? Why do you fear seeing him again? Was it a DV relationship? Are you afraid of how he will react or how you will react?

@AussieRecharger

I honestly dont know too much about him. He started where i worked about 6 months before i left the place. I had been on placement for Midwifery(which ive now pulled out of partly due to this reason....). Came back to work from placement early August and all of a sudden he wasnt the same as he had been before i left for placement. Constant uncalled for comments, following me everywhere i went at work, spying on me and taking note of which car i drove and my number plate, stalking me on social media, sending inappropriate messages on social media, invading my personal space when i had specifically told him im no where near interested and he still persisted, plus more. It was never a relationship, it would have never even turned to a relationship because hes just not my type but he had very strongly made it clear he was interested and wasnt taking "no" for an answer. I had heard from others i worked with there that he had done the same things to another young staff member but she never said anything about it, everyone say it happening though. It was when he started asking how i got to and from work, that he was taking photos of me without my knowledge at the time, asking me about what i drive, that beginning of having a stalker that scared the hell out of me and really started to decline my mental health. That was exacerbated when i told management at work and all they had him do was get him to read a few policies. No apology, no remorse, no changing of shifts, they basically said to me that what had happened didnt matter at all. It was like i had been slapped in the face by people who were supposed to support their employees, provide a safe environment for their employees, i made it clear to them that i no longer felt safe working on the same shift as him. Thats when the self harming began before i went to work, i knew no one gave a crap, it seemed to be the only relief. I didnt care about people seeing it, i was completely out of it. I spent most of my shifts locked in the medication room crying and freaking out, panic attacks, heart palpitations, my heart rate over the shift wouldnt dip below 100bpm, the average would be 130bpm, the entire shift. It was only me and the other RN who could get in the medication room so it was my safe space when at work. I only came out if i absolutely had to.

Im more afraid of how i will react. I didnt respond well to his actions, i didnt respond well to managements lack of action. I was suicidal and left that place before i actually acted on it. I fear that if i see him in the workplace again i will go back to that, i just wont show up at work. I have a scenario in my head of what might happen if i were to come across him at work again and it would go from locking myself away, immediately telling management at the new job about what has happened in the past with him and refuse to return to work until something is done. Thats best case scenario. Worst case being me not turning up ever again and refusing to answer their calls. Or i guess worst case would be self harming again.

I have been in relationships where its been emotionally, mentally, financially, sexually abusive. Everything except the typical physical abuse and i strongly believe my ex's believe they werent abusive because they never hit anyone, i remember them saying that they would never ever hit a woman, thats it wrong. That was before i realised that physical abuse isnt the only form of abuse. So realising so much of what they did was actually abuse and has actually really affected me since realising it. It affects relationships i have now massively, i cant trust people like i used to. In the last few months especially its been weird, remembering things that have happened in the past, especially the sexual things. I had completely forgotten about some things and then my brain one day decides to remember it and id just be sitting there doing whatever, heart racing, frozen in place, crying while my brain replays it all in my head and i cant control it at all. Makes me feel as though its just happened.

So having that history, when it came to this boy(like 21 year old, WAY to young for me) at work who wouldnt take no for an answer and was really freaking the crap out of me i might have overreacted due to what ive experienced in the past. The tiniest thing has set me off. It might not seem like much to one person, a bit of fun flirting from a guy that some women might like, but its been a massive deal for me that has genuinely scared me. Even being out and about, if i have to go out, i freak out if a male is too close now or if i have to speak to a male(apart from my son obviously). I feel sick at the thought of seeing a male doctor, i cancel the appointment because i freak out even if i really need to see the Dr, id be more comfortable waiting 2+weeks to see a female Dr instead. And this is another reason im anxious to get help. There are more male psychologists and psychiatrists out there than female ones near me, the female ones usually have longer waitlist times ive found and id have to travel further to see female(usually 40-60minutes by car).

@Bipolar94

I could 99% say that you have experienced trauma and what sounds like a similar type of trauma to domestic violence. I just want to let you know that what happened was not okay, not by him, or your managers or your co-workers. You have every right to feel safe in our community.

Have you ever considered talking to a counsellor who specialises in Domestic violence? It is important that you talk about this to a specialist so you can start to recover. Your brain is going into survival mode, and thats why you have to have physical reactions.

Sane also have counsellors you can talk to.

@Bipolar94 Maybe pick a topic and start a new thread about it. We are all here to listen. I am more than happy to start to help you cross off your list. 🙂

It wont be all roses.. but sometimes, a daisy just might do.