Spinning spinning…

Hi @Former-Member

thanks for checking in with me. How are you?

When my days and nights are bad I try to focus on the new day. I don’t feel good, but I bought some food and brushed my teeth. I don’t have a home. I still stay in touch via phone with a support person where I used to live. I can’t complain. It’s just daunting when I can feel that I’m getting unwell and have no access to medical care and don’t know where anything is because I’m constantly moving places. I’ll get there. Ive got nothing to lose anymore.

Afternoon @petrichor, and you're most welcome 😊 I'm doing okay thanks, it's sunny where I am today and having an easy day so no complaints here.

Big tick for the food and teeth brushing! Those are two things that I know can be difficult to keep up with when you're on the move and feeling like things are pretty tough.

Without disclosing your location, would it possible for you to reach out to local services where you're currently located to put some extra support in place should you need it? I suspect that's something the SANE help centre might be able to assist with, if that's something you'd like to explore?

😞 I’m drifting through rural / remote Australia, even if I stayed somewhere long enough I don’t think there would be much support. Healthcare really drastically goes to nothing when leaving major towns. I’ve called help centres before, there’s nothing really out here. It’s ok. I guess I’ve got to make my own decisions. It does make me feel alone though. I know I’ve been dealing with all of this alone most of my life, I just have to toughen up again 🙂

@Former-Member it’s actually pretty horrible to think about it

@Former-Member Do you think others feel like they’re impostors? I always feel like I shouldn’t need help and that others need help much more than me - and I think that’s true.

@petrichor my friend (hope that's okay to call you my friend?), I don't only *think* others feel the same way – that they're imposters and undeserving of help when it comes to their mental health – I know so. It's terribly common to minimise ones own experiences and prioritise others over yourself. All the more common for people who've been raised to think they don't deserve kindness and care 💜

Now I'm going to ask you a question, why would someone else deserve care and kindness more than you? There isn't a drought of kindness and care, and we don't need to ration it. There is an infinite amount to go around, we just need to know where to look.

@Former-Member It makes me very uncomfortable when people get close to me & are kind & care. I have physical reflexes when people come into my personal space or try to touch or hug me. I have that in my head too. Physical touch feels like restraint to me and so does all the feeling stuff. I’m kind to other people but I’m pretty disgusted with myself.

does that make sense?

Yes, that makes a lot of sense @petrichor, and I think it's wonderful that you're able to express that here because I'm sure there are many who can identify with that response to kindness.

Which makes me wonder, @Appleblossom, I know you've been part of this conversation and I'm wondering if you can identify with parts of what @petrichor has described?

I think I'm a bit like you @petrichor, in that I can be kind and show care outwardly, but when it comes to accepting it from others for myself it's a different matter entirely. Well in that past that was certainly the case, but in the past little while I've been fortunate to meet people who genuinely care about me and who are willing to take the time to show me that I am worth their kindness. It can still feel a little uncomfortable, but I know that building connection with others is important for my mental health so there is real value in sticking with it. That's just me though, we all have our own stories and reasons to resist care. I just hope that you know that we're here @petrichor, and if you ever feel uncomfortable in an expression of care you have every right to say so.

@petrichor Hearing you about accessing support in regional Australia. A lot of what you describe seem to be classic symptoms or responses and reactions to Childhood Sex Abuse. Negative self loathing feelings are a sign of taking on too much responsibility for the abuser and abusive circumstances. What has helped me was developing an Interior Castle ... or maybe you would prefer to call it your mancave ... but some inner space that is whole and innocent and good. When all the spinning slows down, and I get a lot of yoyo-ing and ambivalent uncertainty and paralysis, I started to be able to come back to the inner place of calm. Sometimes I have mentally picked up paper and rubbish and put it away, from my inner safe place .... Not sure what imagery works for you. Sometimes it took a few years for the spinning to stop, and so in some ways it can also be PROTECTIVE to be on your own, til you recover and get a handle on things. It can be your adventurous roaming travelling period ....

@Former-Member So glad you are here with us.

Apple

@Appleblossom you can't know what that means to me. Thank you so much for saying so 💜