Out of sorts

Well, hello, another day in my moody hell.

I woke up tired and irritable.

I had a coffee and cigarette and wanted to go back to sleep.

Then my brother (temporarily staying with me) got out of bed and I felt instantly agitated.

He started cleaning up the kitchen, unstacking the dishwasher, then restacking it, wiped the benches down and I had to walk away and call a friend.

He isn't doing it my way, I'm going to have to redo. Its annoying me.

I feel like I don't have say in my house.

He does his shopping for the house, but as far as meal planning he has no idea.

But he is a 27 yr old single male, dx adhd as a child and has paternal grandmother and father dx with bipolar. He feels like he is bipolar, but maybe its his adhd or maybe the multiple traumas he has been exposed to and lived through himself. But he spent money that we don't have on groceries that will get us through as long as we're eating the same meal every night and leftovers for the day.

My 15yro asd daughter wants to do learning from home the next 2 days as she is finding returning to school overwhelming and triggering.

My bedroom is the only place I can go and be alone - but it is still unpacked from moving into in oct, some boxes opened and stacked, one little shelf thing as my bedside table and my bed. Its messy and highly unorganised and I hate being in there.

I don't even like sleeping in my bed.

But under Dr orders, I have to sleep in my bed.

Could I clean it up - yep, but that is effort and I need motivation for that.

I cleaned the shower recess this morning. Just the glass and tiles - couldn't be arsed to do the vanity or toilet.

I'm cooking meals everynight because I don't like my brother using the kitchen.

Its not because he can't cook, its because he makes a monstrous mess and doesn't understand the concept of the lease being solely in my name, I am solely responsible for any damage. The glass hotplate has been scratched since he started staying.

I don't like his attitude, especially with life's choices and company he chooses to keep.

I am lonely and want companionship, but I'm also so scared of any future kind of relationship.

My rent is due today and I have nothing to pay it.

I'm waiting on a claim to be processed for support payments - but it's a process, a long one.

I sent an email to my agent to explain my circumstances and I am so scared they will use this to kick me out.

I secured this property on the base of my income - I was working fulltime and receiving ftb for 2 children.

One is now residing with my sister so my ftb has dropped, so has my rent assistance, and I haven't worked since end of December. I've used all my leave entitlements and have been told to try and use my insurance for sick or injure under my super - except I cancelled that insurance over a year ago during SI - I wasn't going to need insurance to cover me for sick or injured.

So I am financially screwed.

I'm thankfully not experiencing an SI and haven't for a few weeks now.

But I am experiencing agitation, I am feeling irritable and uncomfortable.

I'm feeling pissed off. I feel overwhelmed.

Everytime my brother has something else to offer regarding finances or food shopping I just want to scream at him to piss off.

I am unbelievably stressed about paying rent so I could not care less about meal planning right now. Especially when all I have to plan with is mince, pasta and a cpl of bottles of pasta sauce. I can only eat spag bol so many times before I'm freaking over it. But my brother very generously went and did some groceries so now its up to me to be creative and feed 3 people with different tastes and textures limiting what we all enjoy!!!

I should be grateful we have food to eat and even though my rent is only paid til today I still have a roof over our heads too.

I should be grateful.

But I'm pissed off.

I'm pissed that i have lived in financial hardship my entire life if centrelinks criteria are anything to go by.

I am pissed that all the freaking trauma and experiences I have had have led me to this person I am today.

I am pissed off at myself.

Why, because I should be doing better.

I should, at 37 yrs old, have my shit together.

I'm pissed because my kid's dad piss off for months at a time then come crashing back into their lives and expects it to be where it was last time.

I pissed off because through all my trauma and shit I have had, I have to pay to get help. I have to keep going to all these appointments and speak to all these different people and services and the mhcp isn't free unless you find a bulk billing provider, as long as you have concession.

I am pissed because I have all this hard work to do and have been trying to keep my shit together for so many years on my own and with 2 kids and my ex, their dad, can come in and out without doing any of the hard yards, without looking at drug and alcohol counselling, not even wanting to admit to the dv in our relationship either and can continue to cause emotional damage to our kids.

I'm pissed because I want someone to love and support me, someone who can see the real me deep inside but won't use it to manipulate or control me.

I just want to be freaking normal. Just be able to cope and deal with stress.

I haven't been working because my MI is crazy all over the place.

I can not find motivation. I can not find the energy to want to care. I can't turn off.

I know I need to ground, breathe and find time for mindfulness - but again, I can't be arsed about it.

I want to garden but can't afford the items to help build my garden.

I want to go to the beach but I don't want to lug shit back n forth from the car to the beach and I dont want to battle the trek with my daughter who has different abilities.

I needed to vent. I still feel like there is more. But what more can I possibly complain about.

I have so much to be happy or grateful for and yet I feel bitter.

The feeling of so much spinning around your head at once while at the same time feeling bored when plenty of shit to do, focus is at its worst, I'm regretting tonight's meal choice already. It just means I'm in the kitchen preparing and cooking for everyone else.

I feel shit house today.