My story, but not my definition

It's tricky to start ones story and not just focus on all the negative that one remembers. I think we naturally gravitate toward those event memories because they sear such marks on us.

I grew up on a farm in a rural community youngest of 4, only daughter. Right there in lies my first challenge of identity, girl on a farm in the 80s, I want to do what the boys do.

Some sexual interference from 2 till 8 yrs by another minor. That messed with my sense of self and physical awareness, am I physically made right? Compared myself to my peers.

My Dad died from matastic brain tumor when I was 8. Massive impact on the family obviously. Massive pact on my emotional development.

So began my longing for approval from others and perfectionism because performance and ability got approval.

Several other family members died from variety of reasons, strokes, broken heart (my grandparents lose of their eldest son, my dad, 3rd of 4 sons to die young.)

Brothers started moving out as we grew up, one moving interstate. I started showing signs of depression in lower highschool and anxiety neither really understood or identified as such.

Mum has traumatic car accident that put her in spinal rehab for weeks. I lived with family friend while in senior highschool. This postponed mums marriage to 2nd husband.

Move to Step Dads house - this is good as we gain a sister and space and security.

Yr 12 is hell. Depression full blown. Move to live in highschool town with family friend. Suffer backpain from heavy bags.

So a hundred other things go on. I did well at yr 12, well enough to get my first uni prefwith country student intake. This infuriated the Dean of the faculty though as I wasn't 'the best of the best'. In fact he refused to have me in the studios of the area and I was placed in the studios of a slightly different faculty. Confusing but for anonominity I feel I can't say what I studied. I actually got HD in studio but the Dean still set out to ostracise me from my chosen area. Dean of other faculty tried to get me to switch, perhaps I should have. Instead I deferred then changed courses and Unis. The treatment by those 2 deans impacted me greatly. One that eroded my confidence and brought shame and confusion, the other who built me up and fostered me. I wish I had paid more attention to the latter.

My deferred yr I tried to get work but felt the fullness of the country girl and struggled with the process. Success wasn't something I was finding as easy as in school.

Depression was getting pretty severe now. I sort counselling that was my lifeline, then to a gp then onto meds. blessing - my first med tried worked beaut! Had me on a high that led to some dumb choices as I felt so much better, but still looking for approval, mostly from men by now, and not finding what I was after.

....

So that's the first half. I've had enough of writing about it now. Too many times having repeated the same story in the past. I'll tackle the other half another time.

Thanks for reading if you have.