TW (Assault): Drowning, how cope with PTSD completely alone

Trigger Warning: Experiences of physical assault

I'm lost and feel like I am drowning.

I was in a relationship with a covert narrassit for 6 years and didn't even know it until the end, he went as far as to buy a house with me just to take away the one thing I always wanted a home of my own. I lost everything, so I thought then, I didn't know I would lose so much more.

My mum is a narcissist so come to realise and my old psy even told me it is okay to be estranged from my family. My mum was messaging my ex behind my back and all sorts. This is is what she said to me after the break up with a huge smile on her face and evil look in her eyes, "you are the most disgusting thing on this earth, no man will ever love you! No wonder Steve was driven to the drink being with such a disgusting, wretched and vial thing like you!" Thanx mum and threw me out for no reason, my dad just supports her and never validates my feelings even as a child of 5 I remember crying and he said "stop being a manipulative little bitch".

After loosing all that I stayed with a male friend who's twisted ex girlfriend attacked me twice. I have a perminant head injury. Had CPTSD but diagnosed PTSD.

I then knowing it was toxic but familier and comfortable after years of stonewalling and gaslighting, was with another twisted Narc but at the start he made me feel amazing and safe which I needed but he was just after my payout and preying on my vunerability a year of emotional roller coaster lies, cheating and stealing all my money I have no contact with him and no desire to.

But a good friend of mine and I became closer and began sleeping together I knew he had a thing for me for a long time. But Xmas I went home early plans of coming back to go help a friend call his family in England via Zoom. Long story short he became jealous and I think he believes I went to sleep with the other one. Suddenly turned on me and made every effort to turn my little friend group against me. He got to my closest female friend and the day before the worst thing that's happened to me, she suddenly turned on me and blocked me, saying the same lines he had said "you are a self pittying, ungrateful, unappreciative, manipulative, mind controlling, narrasstic bitch" suddenly all my friends saying this, and listing things they had offered to do for me freely without asking saying I should pay them for their time. Odd right.

Then in the middle of the night two of my closest male friend came, I let one in I only opened the door coz I trusted him, did know other was there when found out said he wasn't welcome as he had been stealing from me and owed me a lot of money and recently been extremely verbally abusive over messages.

I woke up not long after freezing the door wide open and not believing what had happened. They robbed me of so much jewlary electronic money everything they could.

I found my tablet as no phone, tried to contact my female friend who promised me she only 5mins away call anytime day or night, worries about me always on my own. I realised then you had blocked me on every avenue possible. Called friend who was turning ppl against me in the hope this was so serious he would help replied "f off not interested" he still won't acknowledge what happened. I called multiple ppl no one answered or cared.

The next day when finally got a sim card called one friend cousin of the female one, who didn't know my other mates, he had been unwell, he was so concerned telling me to call the cops and would see me as soon as he was well enough to drive.

But is cousin (now sleeping with him) brought him to my friends house, he also suddenly said the same lines, and saying I should pay him for everything he had done for me. I asked don't you care what happened to me, he said, what happened to you. Like he didn't know, refused to acknowledge it and then blocked me. He is the kind of person that doesn't need friends or to please people so if chooses to spend time with you, it's because he really likes you, we spent a lot of time together, I never thought he would be one to change like that.

It's like they where hypnotised or something, and that sounds crazy, like I sound crazy. I had just experienced a home invasion and he went from caring to not even acknowledge it. I fell apart.

I had just started a new job 2 weeks before and like was finally looking up for me, I had good friends, I was getting past the PTSD fears, living again and shitty boyfriend gone. I was happy,building confidence and hopefully.

Since the attack/home invasion I have become a shell of myself. My work have been good but my boss who was a friend is now ignoring me and he is strange to. I had court case just for VRO because my life was threatened if I went to the police about the attack, and no one would support me or be there for me.

I feel like I am going insane most days. Did that all really happen? How could all my friends, some solid people turn on me like that, abuse me after the attack then block me just ignore me like I'm nothing. I was thinking about how Narc's (I'm a magnet) project a lot onto others, and I thought back and read back over the messages and suddenly the "mind controlling" stood out, no, no, that's not possible.... Is it? All the other things discribe that friend to a Tee. Could he have been behind the guy who attacked me too, the timing with my female friend, how when I called it was like he already knew.

After that more and more people suddenly disappeared from my life. Some who said they were coming to see me and help, suddenly ignoring me.

I was left completely isolated and alone.

Now, some days are okay, some not.

I saw my attacker again.

He has been taunting me and playing mind games, as he is psycho kinda person that would watch ppl for hours, plant things in their house like speakers, use other people to do things for him - I know because he told me about things he had done before in his younger years.

So, now I barely can work, I never go anywhere, I never do anything.

I am so alone I feel like it is killing me.

I have no friends. No support network. I have nothing to hold on to and nothing to look forward to.

I am terrified every night.

I have no distractions

No one to talk to.

And even if I did, I sound insane. I sound crazy.

But though I know I have had nights I've seen and heard things not there, I believe that's more my PTSD.

I know I'm not crazy. I know these things happened. Could someone be that evil, to plan an attack on me, to be able to turn so many people against someone so easily. Is it possible.

Or have I truly lost my mind and imagining it.

I don't know what to do anymore.

Even my psychiatrist just discharged me without warning or reason after the attack.

I'm so lost and alone.

I'm drowning.

I am so broke, I've lost everything and I feel like the outside world is too scary. I'm over it.

My lawyer suddenly couldn't represent me yesterday, so had to go to the trail alone, a whole day of panic attacks and when I saw him he was so cocky and acting like he never did what he did and I was in the wrong, the judge even seemed to be siding with him calling it a minor altercation. Thank god it was adjourned as out of time. But why do I have such bad luck.

How can I have no one.

I'm not a bad person. I know I'm not. I don't believe in payback and teaching lesson or revenge. I was a youth worker before, I am kind. I was kind to the man who attacked me (pior) helped him get a job, helped him so many ways.

I give to much. Takers see that.

I am always used and discarded.

I also found out I am austistic 2 years ago, which made things make sense for me.

But I need to know, have I imagined it all.

How can I keep my head above water, when I'm afraid of everything and everyone and I can't trust anyone.

Help