@Zoe7 @Faith-and-Hope @Shaz51 @Former-Member @BlueBay @outlander @Maggie @CheerBear @eth @Molliex @Owlunar @Peri @Maxi7 @MDT @Appleblossom @Gazza75 and any others who may be silently following along.
I seem to have had no words this past week. I've started to write posts several times, but never get very far. I delete them before they see the light of day. To try and compensate, I've been posting lots of useless emoji's to try to let people know that I'm still thinking of them. Which I am ... I've been keeping up with everyone's threads, and can see that many of you are going through a really hard time right now, for all sorts of reasons. I feel for each and every one of you and wish I could say or do something ... anything to help. But I feel totally useless right now, no good to anyone, least of all myself.
I have tried to put into words, how I feel and what I'm thinking. But I fear that if I put it all out there, in word form, it may make it seem much more real. The emotional pain, the feelings of confusion, betrayal and resentment may take over more than they already are. Hence my lack of words over this past week. But this is not going away, nor diminishing in its intensity over time. Instead, these feelings are festering and growing within me. They need a release ... so this is it .. call it an update if you like, or a bit of a vent from 'sad-sack' old me.
My brother in law in Perth remains in hospital, and no talk of him being released. He is still on dialysis and remains bed ridden. But at least he is fairly 'with it' mentally when I have spoken to him over the phone. He will likely need to go into some sort of full time care facility when he does get released from hospital. And his quality of life will be very poor indeed.
My father in law had a day in hospital after a fall at the nursing home a couple of days after we arrived in Perth. He is back again in his nursing home, but has definitely deteriorated since his fall. He has some spinal bones chipped from his fall and is in pain and not able to get out of bed much. He is on pain relief and will hopefully slowly improve. His mental state is not so good however, appearing a little confused. And when he is okay mentally, he says he's had enough and keeps saying he wants to die. He is 93 yo and I suspect he may well get his wish before much longer. Falls take a toll at his age.
My Dad had a week in hospital last week. He has an infection and also severe fluid retention in his legs, which was making his mobility even more precarious than usual. They are not sure if its due to heart or kidney failure, but both are possibilities. The infection was also causing breathlessness, so he was not coping at home very well on his own. Hence the necessary hospital stay to keep a close eye on him, keep his wounds dressed daily and to put him on an IV antibiotic drip. He is improving now and came out of hospital today and is on new meds to try to help with fluid buildup.
My brother has been phoning me more this past week too, things are pretty difficult for him right now I gather. And also for his wife. They finally got to bury the remains of their unborn baby girl a couple of weeks ago. Baby Charlotte is now at rest at the foot of her 11yo sister's grave. It just so happened that the day they buried her, was also her estimated due date. As my sister in law said "we should have been welcoming a baby girl into our lives today ... not burying her". So it's hard for them both right now. I know my brother is suffering and I have urged him to make an appointment with his psych to talk things over. He said he would, for which I'm grateful, because I dont feel able to provide him with the support he needs right now. Especially from afar as is necessarily the case. My brother and his wife have applied to be foster parents, which I think is a great idea for them. But unfortunately this may not be possible due to their eldest son having a criminal record from a couple of years ago when he was on drugs and breaking and entering to fund his habit. He lives on the farm and he will therefore need to have a police check done. I understand the need for this of course, but I would hate to see my brothers hopes dashed by this. It could be enough to push him over the edge. Fingers crossed it wont be a problem, as I know they take things on a case by case basis. And my nephew has now been on the straight and narrow and holding down a part time job for some time now. Just another complication none of them need.
Hubby has also been more unwell, with his encephalitis symptoms much worse this past week. I just dont know what to do now ... we have seen so many specialists and none of them know what to do. We just keep getting passed on to another specialist, who gives more meds. The last neurologist we saw some 10 days ago said that they are finding more and more side effects from immunotherapy. And many of them are neurological, such as with hubby. Unfortunately they just don't know how to fix them. I feel sure they will refine this lifesaving cancer treatment in future, but for now hubby is literally a guinea pig. I just hope that others down the line, may benefit from his experiences.
I spoke to my psych last time I saw her, about how hubby has been treating me lately. She said it is definitely another form of abuse. And that its designed to dis-empower me, make me doubt myself and/or question my own sanity. I wondered if there may be a bit of a delusional factor at play as well. Delusions and paranoia are typical symptoms of encephalitis. His accusations of me are that far-fetched, he simply cannot be seriously saying the things he is ... or can he? But ... there again ... he has always accused me of these things, and he hasn't always had encephalitis. So I guess I have to accept that its just his usual behaviour coming to the fore once more. Behaviour I had started to forget over the past 2 years since we have been going nowhere and doing nothing, thus giving him no cause to accuse me of anything. Our recent trip away, has put him back in his usual mould.
My psych said I need to start to get out of the house and do more for myself. Get back into exercise classes, volunteering at the nursing home, walking Holly etc. I went to the Nursing Home last week in fact. Usually I find it uplifting because the oldies really appreciate having a visitor and someone to talk to. But this time, all I could see was sick, lonely and dying elderly people all around me. And it reminded me of the Mum I lost 3 months ago, and my sick Dad too far away for me to help. And what can I do for any of them? Nothing! Yesterday I took Holly for a short walk. She is slowing up, getting older. She will soon be 11yo. Soon I know I will lose her. Hubby too. Dad also. Mum's already gone. I have no friends. Very soon, I will have nobody. Nobody to care, nobody who will miss me.
I'm just treading water at present, my life in a holding pattern. Each day presents new challenges I have to try to deal with, along with all the usual ones. And each day, it becomes harder to keep going. It just seems that everyone around me is dead, terminally ill, dying and/or wanting to die. And there are times I would gladly join them. I'm just so tired ... of life ... of living ... of constant sadness ... of loss and grief ... of fighting ... of fear ... of dread ... of emotional abuse ... of physical pain ... just so very tired of everything. I read my safety plan every day, trying to find a reason to keep going. There are only a few reasons. And those few reasons that do exist, will not for much longer. I have to ask myself ... what then?
Sherry 💔😔
