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wild_roseSenior Contributor29 Jan 2022, 6:27 pm AEDT

Numb

Lately my family has been saying to me how proud they are that I'm coping so well with the breakup and how proud they are of my strength.

If only they knew the truth.

The only reason I've manage to get up and face each day is because my old self defense mechanism is back. I've managed to become so depressed that I am completely numb inside and can't feel anything, except intense rage or anxiety.

All I want to do is break down and cry, let the tears flow along with the hurt and betrayal and just be able to feel, but nothing comes, instead I just lay there unable to cry, unable to feel anything.

It's strange a few months ago I wrote that I wish I could be numb again so I didn't feel every tiny emotion like a freight train, now that I am again I just want to feel something, anything to know that I am going to get through this in tact and not be completely damaged by this betrayal.

I barely go out anymore except to work and specialist appointments because my social anxiety is back with a vengeance and even a simple task like going to the supermarket is enough to send me into panic.

When I'm at work I have a lot of anxiety that now I'm living in a unit the my puppers are going to bark the block down and I'm going to get told they have to go. I'm so irrationally scared of losing them it's ridiculous. What if it does happen though? The thought of losing them again is more than I can bare. They are literally all that is keeping me together somedays.

2 replies

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In response to: Numb

HistoryloverSenior Contributor29 Jan 2022, 6:56 pm AEDT

Re: Numb

I haven't been up to following everyone's dilemmas, @wild_rose, so I'm not up to speed on yours. It doesn't matter though, I can feel your distress. I don't know what to say or how to help, but I'm sending you my best wishes that I hope you're going to get back on board soon. Hurt from betrayal is so painful because it's mixed with grief and bewilderment, and so much more. I'm there too. Take care @wild_rose.

In response to: Numb

JynxModerator29 Jan 2022, 7:53 pm AEDT

Re: Numb

@wild_rose I'm so sorry to hear that you are enduring such a bewildering numbness. I think you're right about it being a defence mechanism, but it's not always a conscious one. Our brains sometimes do this to protect us from having to deal with the full force of our emotional distress. In that sense, I do hope it is only a matter of time before some feelings will start to creep back in for you.

I think in the midst of dealing with your rage and grief, it's very much okay to shut down to the world and just exist, to focus your energy and attention on surviving and getting through each day. One day at a time.

Sounds like you love your puppers very much, and I imagine you would fight tooth and paw to make sure that they are with you no matter what. Our fuzzy friends are so essential for our mental health, I'm glad you have their companionship in this difficult time 🐶 💜

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