Hi @R1CK13 and the community members who have written encouraging responses to you @4me4us @BlueBay @Seven7 & @lola. That sounds so powerfully moving and scarey all at the same time. I would like to let you know that you are not alone in feeling disconnected from your baby.
It is a very real experience that 1 in 10 women and 1 in 20 men experience. Feeling disconnected from your baby and having negative thoughts about her are a very serious symptom that needs an assessment by a health professional. Ideally they will hold a degree of expertise in mental illness in the perinatal period. PANDA Helpline (1300 726 306) is a National service that can help you to find the right help.
This crisis jolt to your emotional connection may only be temporary. It is important to reach out and seek help from someone you trust. Has it been difficult to reach out? Often we do not need to seek help until we have a baby to care for. Can you do it for her?
There are others on the forum who will have experiences of finding it difficult to seek help for mental illness. There is no shame in what is often a biologically driven response to pregnancy and childbirth with such a significant hormonal adjustment. There are really effective treatments available and many things that can assist you to regain a sense of who you want to be as her mum.
The love you felt for her last night has always been there. It takes a lot to open our hearts. Memories of painful heartbreak can close off our ability to stay open to the love we feel. Your baby needs you to be well and your experience last night probably let you know that big time. I wish for you the support and kindness that you need to grow into your motherhood. It does not happen just with the birth of your baby. Motherhood develops over time by being stretched and challenged to be for another often what we ourselves have needed from our mothers.
I will be thinking of you.
