LittlemeNew Contributor
First post
Hi, this is my first time posting on saneforums. I am struggling to work out the process so I am hoping this is it. I have a long history of depression, self harm and suicide attempts as well as addiction and eating disorders over my life time. I experienced sexual abuse as a child and emotional abuse from my mother who has always been highly judgemental and emotionally shut down. I was dismissed from my job after many years as a professional about 5 years ago due to these issues. It was very hard as my work was the only positive in my life. 6 months ago I sold up and moved to a country town where I lived briefly decades ago. I know a few people here and I am geographically closer to my daughter, grandchild, mother and siblings than I was, but not too close. I need a careful balance between contact and space. Boundaries are a big issue for me. I have not made contact with anyone outside my family since living here, partly due to covid but mostly shyness, feeling inadequate, feeling unworthy of friendship. I have always isolated to keep myself safe. I receive telephone counselling through Victim's Services and just had a session. I made a goal of ringing one specific person and saying hi, and another of contacting someone I knew years ago who lives across the road and making a time for a brief visit. Both are scary. I would like to let you know how I go. I am also dealing with my daughter who is a single mother of a 21 months old baby needing to stay with me for the past 3 months due to being too sick to stay in her own home. I love them immensely but living with them has reduced my ability to self nurture and put demands on my money, time, space, privacy and body (pain impacted by caring for the baby). My mother has Alzheimers and lives with one of my siblings and I care for her occasionally to give them a break. It is very challenging as her dementia has reduced her filters even more than before so I need a thick skin when I am with her but I am getting better at managing that. I actually enjoyed spending 2 days with her earlier this week. I have been doing pretty well emotionally since I moved and have not had any self harm or suicidal behaviours or urges, but I am still up and down. Yesterday and today I have been teary and felt vulnerable. At the moment I am struggling with finances, chronic pain, loneliness and having unrealistic goals for myself and feeling hopeless when I don't achieve the them. Anyway, it feels good to share all this. I will wait to see if I get any response to see if I feel supported or validated and if I feel safe in the process. Best wishes to you all.
