Autism, Trauma and Mental Health...

.... go hand in hand.

I really can't speak to young children getting diagnosed today. That wasn't my experience unfortunately. Back in the 60's and 70's when I was a kid, no one knew what autism was. Even when I did finally know a tiny bit about ASD (autism spectrum disorder), I had no idea I had it. I even did some work fundraising for Autism Speak a few years back when a work colleague had a child who was diagnosed autistic. And I certainly didn't see myself in that little boys eyes.

But once I learned about autism, about it's traits and characteristics, it all seemed so obvious to me. How I could have not known. I ticked all the boxes. It explained EVERYTHING weird in my life. I always knew I wasn't like everyone else. I just figured I was weird. Highly sensitive. A fussy eater phase that I never grew out of. Introverted. Socially awkward. Life was hard but I just drew the short straw and had to accept that I was the way I was, and nothing was ever going to change that, even though I tried. I really did try.

Being an undiagnosed autistic pretty much guarantee's mental health issues. Not fitting in, and not knowing why. Females learn to mask better and earlier than boys. I have heard us described as "little psychologists" by world renowned autistic author Sarah Hendrickx. And that described me pretty well. I studied human behaviour just like other undiagnosed autistic females in order to replicate mannerisms, know when to smile, and what to smile at. How to nod one's head at the appropriate time etc. I developed what I now like to call "bubbly me". I hate 'bubble me'. She is so fake. But she is well liked and always accepted and fits in everywhere. She came in really handy in the workforce. I excelled at job interviews. I had this knack for just 'knowing' what the interviewer wanted to hear and then delivering it on que'. I used to refer to my 'chameleon circuit', which allowed me to just copy whomever I was with. When I was with the higher-ups, I would sound like them, talk like them, act like them, and fit in with them. But then when I was with the blue-collars, I would be an entirely different person. Equally well liked and accepted, and equally NOT ME. But I never saw this as a bad thing. But a very handy thing. I had no idea.

Middle age has been a bit of a blessing really. I no longer care about going out. I don't attend parties. I'm in bed by 7pm watching TV or reading, and asleep by 8.30 (if not earlier). And I don't care. I have no one to impress. I live the life of an 80 year old at 55, and it's great. I have no invitations I have to come up with excuses to decline. For the most part I can do as I please without offending anyone. But there's still a downside. The masking.

When I first moved to this town (prior to diagnosis), I went to the new doctor, a young girl. I went because my mental health was in the toilet and I was desperate for help. I walked out of that doctor's office and all I could think was 'who the hell was that person?'. Not the doctor! ME!!! You see I don't control the mask. It just kinda happens. It's a defence mechanism. Usually it's some kind of mirror of sorts, of the person I am talking with. I tend to just reflect back to them, if that makes sense. And that is really unhelpful when it comes to diagnosing mental health conditions. She gave me a prescription and a referral to a psychiatrist. I met the psychiatrist a little while later and after a 5 minute consult walked out with a few more labels and a few more prescriptions. Great.

18 months later I met my current psychologist. She is the one who finally diagnosed me as autistic. After a whole bunch of written tests, a 3 hour question and answer consult, and a seperate 2 hour ADOS test, I was found to be ASD level 2 and referred to NDIS. I'm 56 years old in a few weeks, and was finally found to be disabled... what a shock. I have heard that most people take a good year or more to come to terms with a situation like this. First there is the overwhelming sense of relief. Finally, you have an explanation. All those things you do that no one else seems to do. All the ways you are just like Sheldon Cooper (and BTW, I only found out Sheldon was ASD after I found out I was.. I can't tell you how many times I used to say 'I'm so Sheldon'). I spend god knows how many hours going over and over memories through a whole different lens. Everything looked different now. It all made sense. Vindication. But also mourning. You can't help but wonder what life would have looked like if only you had known sooner.

Which brings me to the trauma portion of our evening...... There is so much I could say on this subject. Trauma I suffered due to being an undiagnosed autistic. Trauma I still suffer due to being autistic. Trauma I suffered that had nothing at all to do with being autistic but just because I was adopted and grew up in a less than ideal situation.

Even if I am not all of those misdiagnosed labels I have carried over the years (and some of them I am), living a life that no one else understands leaves a scar. A big one. And whilst it's nice to have other's online who can relate to my story, I'm still left with so many unknowns. An autism diagnosis leaves you with so many unanswered questions. Maybe I don't communicate as well as I thought I did. Maybe I am not being as understood as I thought I was. Who am I anyway? Who is this person under the mask? Why can't I just make a phone call? Why can't the world bend to accomodate me for a change, why am I always the one who has to suffer and break and live like an alien on an alien planet?

NB://. I want to just add something to for the moderators who I have no doubt will flag this post for something or other. I tried really REALLY hard to edit myself and no say anything against the rules. I am not very good at this it seems as 4 or 5 of my posts have been returned to me thus far for breaking guidelines. I get it. I really do. I understand the need for rules and appreciate that. But I just want it known that as an autistic person I just can't read lengthy guidelines or instructions. My brain literally freezes over and I don't retain a single word of it. I'm not officially diagnosed ADHD, but something like 80% of autistic are and I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if I was. I'm trying my best. But unless something is spelt out in really short concise bursts, I just won't be able to understand or retain it. Please be patient with me. 🙏