TW/CW: Porn Addiction/Suicidal Thoughts

Trigger warning: porn addiction, self harm and suicidality

I think that I need help. I have a very serious porn addiction. I really can`t stop. I spend just about all day, every day and night, till early morning watching porn. It has completely taken over my life, where I find myself doing nothing else and sometimes I even go without eating main meals. I sit in my bedroom through the day and night barely getting up, unless to go to the toilet, feed my animals. I can`t help it. I don`t watch much TV, because of triggers and when I leave the house, there are also many triggers. My compulsions and urges are getting so strong and unbearable. If I do stop for awhile, after two hours, I find myself getting very frustrated and stressed. I spend most of my time on my own and isolated in the day and on my own at night. I hate sleeping alone all the time, night after night and it is at night that I get the most loneliness, deep sadness and frustration.

I don`t have any friends to look out for me, to see if I am ok or to invite me out places. I have a partner, who got an illness that cant be cured and from that her wanting to show any affection towards me disappeared. Then two years ago, she told me that she can never have sex with me again, so she became asexual, before this we had a sex life and it was suddenly cut off for me, not just intimacy, but all affection as well. I have always been a very sexual person and found sex an important part of our relationship, she now sleeps in different room to me.

I turned to internet porn but I did not think that it would take over my life like it has. I feel like I am just existing and not living. I have thought about suicide a lot this year, just gone and even planned how I would do it. Recently I have been having emotional breakdowns, which has resulted in small self harm and me crying for hours under my bed or shower and not knowing where I am. Am I loosing my mind? I have starting smoking dope about a year ago, which has become a regular thing. I hate seeing couples on TV or down the street giving each other kisses or hugs, because it makes me sad, wishing I had all that. I can`t see a way out and only things getting worse for me, I don`t really like what I have become, but I can`t help it. It`s like I am possessed, driven, the compulsions, the urges, I can`t say no. Even to come here and write this, its was hard to drag myself away from what I was doing. Often I feel so down, depressed, sad, lonely, frustrated, distressed, anxious. Even scared of what I might be becoming or scared that I might loose more control of my self.

I`m not coping well at all and struggling with all this on my own. I so hope that no one judges me, for I just wish to talk with someone that knows where I am coming from and understands. My circumstances have made me become the way I am, at this point in time. My thoughts of suicide a weekly now. I feel helpless and in a very dark place indeed.