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When trauma makes you feel less like you...like a zoologist afraid of dogs

matahariNew Contributor05 Jan 2022, 3:50 pm AEDT

When trauma makes you feel less like you...like a zoologist afraid of dogs

So I have been an animal lover and carer my entire life and in 2014 got an honours degree in zoology and flitted off to work with monkeys in south Africa and orangutans in borneo. I couldn’t live without being around animals. I speak to the geckos on my walls and birds in my garden. Yes I am that crazy lady.

Two months ago I was in a terrible accident that has changed my foundational feelings around animals. Its messing me up. I was mauled by a dog. A staffy unfortunately, because I love staffies. Im lucky it was just several bad bites throughout my left arm and across my hands. I was walking my dog on lead and the staffy came bursting out of its garden, eyes full of hate and burning, and went straight to attacking us. Naturally my dog defended us and I tried to diffuse the fight. I was thrown to the floor trying to grab my dog and the next thing I knew I had felt the staffy’s teeth smash into my elbow and chomp across the back of my arm. The owner, or the owner’s missus, more like, stood and watched the whole thing. There were lots of people watching the whole thing, there were two busy bus stops in front of where it happened. So about twenty people just stood around me in shock as I was screaming. I remember looking at some of them and begging them for help, I think someone even yelled, what can we do?! I think it might add to my shame about the situation. Because I kept trying to help, to protect the dogs and myself, to stop what was happening, and I failed. No one else did, Just me. I don’t want to feel like that because I know I was brave and calm as I could and handled the situation as best I could. I didn’t yell at the owner. When it was finally diffused, I even told her to call a vet for her dog while I was sitting in the dirt, bites marks and blood scattering my hoodie and injuries all over me. The woman just looked down at me and walked away, wordless. Im sure she was shocked but that really hit me. It made me feel unimportant, worthless. I called an ambulance for me myself because everyone around was so shocked and I was so calm they didn’t even realise how badly my injuries were.

More than that, I got way more hurt than the other two dogs. Me, the trained animal carer and zoologist. Now I can’t walk past a barking dog without flinching. Yesterday I cried over two snarling cockapoos. Me. Cockaruddypoos. My mum has a cockapoo. His name is Alfie. Lots of cockapoos are called Alfie ironically. I bet they were too...Or I bet their names were something like fluffy and chocolate. And fluffy and chocolate made me cry. How small and pathetic I felt. I felt fear and anxiety smother me, my throat closed up and my head went like stone. When that happens since the attack all I want in the whole world is to be within my own home’s walls, away from the world, away from everyone and everything who could potentially mess me up. I just think, screw you all, Im out.

The strangest part is it's not like I'm actually afraid of dogs, I look at them the same way as I’ve always done but what is going on inside me is something very different. My heart sees them the same but my body and instincts do otherwise.

The attack was almost 3 months ago now, I’ve nearly got full mobility in my arm back and the last of the bruising is fading (yep, its taken that long can you believe) so I still try to remind myself there is no deadline and it was not long ago, trauma takes a long time to heal. More patience than we can probably imagine. It's just how this trauma is so directly related to things that made me feel like me, made me feel connected and safe in this world (nature and wildlife) and now I whip around in terror at the sound of chihuahua feet coming at me from behind.

7 replies

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In response to: When trauma makes you feel less like you...like a zoologist afraid of dogs

cloudcoreSenior Contributor05 Jan 2022, 4:33 pm AEDT

Re: When trauma makes you feel less like you...like a zoologist afraid of dogs

Hi @matahari ,

Welcome to the forums. I'm so sorry to hear of your horrific experience, not only with the animal but also with the lack of help you recieved during the whole ordeal. I really hear how helpless and afraid you felt, and lasting impact it has had on you and your identity. I'm wondering if you've recieved any professional support around this?

cloudcore

In response to: When trauma makes you feel less like you...like a zoologist afraid of dogs

BunniekinsSenior Contributor05 Jan 2022, 5:38 pm AEDT

Re: When trauma makes you feel less like you...like a zoologist afraid of dogs

@matahari welcome to the forums I am sorry to hear about your dog attack. I love staffies too but unfortunately they can attract a certain type of owner ..... the sort of owner that you met. Really this staffy should be reported and I believe put down. Take care of yourself sending you kind and caring wishes. Love greenpeaxx

In response to: Re: When trauma makes you feel less like you...like a zoologist afraid of dogs

AppleblossomSenior Contributor05 Jan 2022, 6:23 pm AEDT

Re: When trauma makes you feel less like you...like a zoologist afraid of dogs

Hello @matahari

Sorry about the useless by standers, and dog owner. Yelling at her would have done zilch, so you really did the right thing, but maybe you put too much store on a perfect world scenario and too much pressure on yourself..

The trauma is real, but hopefully as you knew the source of it was one particular staffy, you will eventually be less triggered by other animals. 3 months is not long.

Like you I get a lot of connectedness being in nature and can be a little pollyannaish about it. I also am good in times of crisis.The realities are that nature can be very destructive in all sorts of ways, even if we have a fair degree of knowledge. Recently I volunteered for 4 years at a zoo. I talked to a lot and watched the zookeepers talk to each other. There are always challenges and issues arise. It helps to be able to have peers to process it. They are always very careful when dealing with large animals. Dont let the bad experience put you off your love in life. It is worthwhile, maybe it can help you be even better at your job.

Gently with your own process.

In response to: When trauma makes you feel less like you...like a zoologist afraid of dogs

Unknown userMember05 Jan 2022, 8:35 pm AEDT

Re: When trauma makes you feel less like you...like a zoologist afraid of dogs

Hello @matahari. This sounds like a horrible experience you went through! Unfortunately, dog attacks are so common now and people are so quick to shift responsibility onto someone else and take no responsibility for themselves and instead will let their animals and sometimes children, roam around to do whatever they wish with no shame or remorse.

The way you're reacting to your experience with this aggressive dog is totally normal, and you're right, there is no deadline for recovery. Everyone recovers at different times and to varying degrees. I hope your dog is ok, too. Both of you would have been shaken up, especially since the owner of the staffy and the rest of the crowd didn't even help you or your dog. People can be so heartless, I know shock is partly to blame, but where is the respect of society now? From what I read about your reactions to animals now, it seems like your body is trying to prevent you from going through another dangerous situation with animals in the future, even though you know logically that you love them and want nothing more than to help them. But your body is reminding you at the same time, that you need to preserve yourself in the process of helping and learning about animals.
I hope you fully recover! You seem to be a very kind person and it would nice if you could continue to be of good service to the animal kingdom. I don't know why people can be so selfish and let their dogs attack other people and animals. It amazes and angers me that people couldn't just ring 000 and try to help you.

In response to: Re: When trauma makes you feel less like you...like a zoologist afraid of dogs

AussieRechargerSenior Contributor05 Jan 2022, 10:01 pm AEDT

Re: When trauma makes you feel less like you...like a zoologist afraid of dogs

@matahari Wow..

First things first. You are you, you are not a zoologist, thats your skills in your profession. You are still human first. Same as a firefighter after a bad car crash needs help, same as a paramedic mourns death even when they see it all the time.

There is no shame in feeling frightened after what happened to you and if you feel shame because you feel you should be acting differently, that feeling of shame is actually hindering your recovery as you are fighting your own bodies response from a traumatic event.

You still clearly love dogs, and recovery from this is going to take time. How do you feel would be the best way to recover? You now have a powerful neural pathway, that when it hears a dog, triggers your brain into going into protection mode and it's going to take a lot of time to rewire your brain, to bring logic back into your decision making.

How do you feel about magpies and plubbers swooping?

In response to: When trauma makes you feel less like you...like a zoologist afraid of dogs

PaperdaisySenior Contributor06 Jan 2022, 12:07 pm AEDT

Re: When trauma makes you feel less like you...like a zoologist afraid of dogs

@matahari This sounds so awful. A betrayal from the very thing you care about a lot by the sounds of it. As others have said it will take time and I hope you find that time to heal.

I'm wondering if anyone has had experience with EMDR? I heard through a psychologist it can be useful for PTSD, but it's a fairly new type of therapy.

In response to: When trauma makes you feel less like you...like a zoologist afraid of dogs

wellwellwellnezSenior Contributor06 Jan 2022, 2:00 pm AEDT

Re: When trauma makes you feel less like you...like a zoologist afraid of dogs

Weird thought maybe, but I'd consider talking this out with a few dogs that you're comfortable enough to talk to. Dogs might not get most of the words but they use their empathy to read in between the lines (perhaps better then we do).

A big yuk to the bi-standers. And, also a big yay for you for doing so many right things. You shouldn't feel diminished at all, but sucks doing it alone. Doing anything alone, can suck sometimes.

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