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I should be grateful, right????

Dark_OlenaSenior Contributor19 Dec 2021, 4:46 pm AEDT

I should be grateful, right????

I am doing the mental comparison of anguish, and I feel selfish for my depression and anxiety. I have my eldest son home for christmas from overseas, he is a fifo, but I still plummet into a depression that I try very hard to disguise that he will go back on January 5. We are not staying home this year as the last 4 christmases are a painful reminder that we are not all that important to our other son and brother that has 3 gorgeous children, who are still young and do still squeel with delight when I go by for a visit. But we are clearly not part of their christmas in any other way other than bringing presents, no celebratory drink, snack or meal. We clearly are there for giving gifts to the 3 young grandchildren.

This year I am tired of doing this, it is such a huge anguish and can and does ruin my days weeks before. At this point we have no clue what is happening there, not even a message of when to stop by with the grandkids gifts. My son cooks for his family and his inlaws. All the ads and the media clearly tell me that christmas is for sharing a meal with the poeple we love. 90% of my posts on this forum are about my anguish of losing my son and his family. I dont want to go there to be reminded that we are not part of them. If in fact we do get that message about when, it usually is after their meal. We will say we are going to the beach and will stop by in a few days.

Instead the weather is going to be nice so we want to go to the coast with a christmas picnic of meat platter and salad, there are beautiful water falls and forest walks. I cant do another rejected christmas at my sons house. I can go by their a few days later and give the gifts. I am important as well and the anguish is too much. It feels very unusual to not be at home for xmas day, but the reminder that we are not important is too much to bare, I will enjoy my picnic with my other son and daughter.

I dont like christmas, it is too painful. I hate my depression because I still have people to be grateful about. Does my son with children just not get it, one day he may have regret, I dont want that for him. I love him, but I dont like him of late. He is like a stranger.

2 replies

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In response to: I should be grateful, right????

Unknown userMember20 Dec 2021, 12:08 pm AEDT

Re: I should be grateful, right????

Hi @Dark_Olena

I just wanted to say hi, show some support & acknowledge all of what you’re feeling right now.

When you speak of this; ‘I am important as well and the anguish is too much.’

It’s absolutely valid in doing what you need to do in order to take care of yourself.

Christmas can be a painful/stressful/hard time for a lot of people. One of our peer support workers wrote their own experience about it on our SANE blog, which actually came to mind when I was reading your post. I’ll link it here in case you’d be keen to have a read of it yourself.

Also just curious what support’s are around you?,
Do you have people you can speak to about your feelings/stressors? if you can’t with your family?

The SANE help centre is open this week (closed between 24th Dec - 3rd Jan) if that is helpful as a resource leading up to Christmas.

And alternatively there are other services available over Christmas if you want to reach out for help - @daisydreamer just posted about some of them here.

Take care

In response to: I should be grateful, right????

wellwellwellnezSenior Contributor20 Dec 2021, 3:41 pm AEDT

Re: I should be grateful, right????

Ok. I have been astranged from my parents and am currently far less astranged. Everyone's journey is different but maybe I can help out a little bit.

I remember my first xmas away from my family. I also remember that being a gift to myself. I also remember reaching out that day on the phone while still in a sanctuary a thousand miles away. That xmas was the beginning of the rebuilding of me and my family.

It's been a journey since then.What's helped me then and now, is kind of adapting an old Jesus quote.

Jesus said something like "The sabbath was made for people not people for the sabbath."

Same goes for xmas, I reckon. It's about helping relationships, not testing or appraising or measuring them. Xmas isn't a person. We are. We are people all year round.

Giving myself permission to process things that way was a big part of pressing the reset button with my whole family. New relational foundations, even. We're coming at this from different perspectives but maybe it's basiclly the same challenge. Maybe. Thought I'd share either way.

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