Enough

Hi Enough, I am 53 and totally relate to what you are saying and have spent many years feeling the same. Including the self regulation with alcohol and sedatives. Years of dragging through living hell of depression, anxiety, disassociation, one day after the next not wanting to be here. I am stable enough at the moment but stillI have really bad days. It has taken over 30 years to get a medication regimen that has got me stable enough that I can engage with a therapist (after trying dozens before) and help me work through the cause of some of my multiple diagnoses. I keep going for my daughter, even though that hasn't been enough too many times in the past to stop me from reckless behaviour. When my mind is clear I know it would ruin her whole life if she loses me. So I survive the worst and sometimes can now celebrate a better day, however rare they are.

I really hope you can find some relief so you can have a better day one day.

Well put, you're obervations are actually pretty mindful. One way or another, that's been done. I'm also getting a very strong sense that looking for more, which is great. I think a lot of us would also relate.

It's like units in school stuff. CBT is basically a compulsary unit these days (makes sense since we all have brains that like to both behave and misbehave). I think everyone on a serious recovery journey needs some sort of "elective units" as well.

If CBT was all someone needed, that person probably didn't that that much. (And, good on em I spose).

Personally, I've been using a sort of self-directed acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) approach. It hasn't fixed everything but it's a better framework for me what I'm all about.

I'd squarely say, I'm looking for more as well.

Trigger Warning: Suicide

Hi @Mjm68 & @Everalone ! (very relatable name, BTW) Welcome to the forums!

Your stories are both so relatable. It, too, am eager to get out of here, but I'm not aloud to because ending my life would be "selfish"; so I basically just have to wait for nature to take it's course, either with me, or the people who would get upset with me if I ended things. There's no justice or sanity in it. Only prolonged suffering.

This has been my life for more then 20 years now. Never seen or heard anything that significantly corroborates the oft-spoken claims that life is worth enduring. The "suicide is bad! Don't do it!" crowd absolutely boggle my mind. I just can't understand their viewpoint at all.

I hope you both find some measure of helpful support here on these forums. I'm sure you'll find this to be a very welcoming and accepting community. We may disagree on some points, but if there's one we all seem to have a robust understanding of here, it's suffering.

I can totally relate @Everalone @Mjm68 ,

For many years, I was like the living dead. I was alive yet dead. Dead to the world, dead to feelings, dead to existence. My temporary Band-Aids were sedatives and self-harm. I knew this wasn't 'life', nor the life I wanted. This way of living ate up 15 years of my life. I was angry at the world.

Down the track, I was somewhat forced into area mental health services due to high risk behaviours (as I had also in the past). However, this time round, I actually stopped fighting the system and woke up to the benefits of working with the system. It was a painful journey and often, I'd also tell them I was sick of repeating myself to every therapist, and ready to give up.

That is now the past. The system helped me to deal with the root of my issues rather than focus on the SH. Today, I live very successfully and contentedly.

@Everalone @Mjm68 , I hope you too one day will be able to say the same. Just hold on. There is hope.

My thoughts and prayers be with you,

BPDSurvivor

I totally get it too @Everalone. I was told it can take many years to find the right combination of meds because everyone is affected differently by mental illness, and if you put ten people with the same MI in a room, each person won't experience the same issues or interpret the same mental illness in the same way, even though these ten people could relate to each other. re the illness. Mental illness is just like any other illness; some meds work, some don't. I've found the same issues in all professions too, if someone isn't suitable as a hairdresser, GP, etc, you find a new person who may suit you better. Unfortunately this is the case with psychiatrists and psychologists too. I have found a really good GP, now I'm looking for a good psychologist and psychiatrist as well, and I too, am trying not to throw it all away either. I hopefully you'll eventually find the right mental health program. It may take years, but I'm sure you'll find help somehow.

Thank you @Former-Member and others who have replied. I first remember encountering anxiety at 5 years of age. I am currently 54. I first sought help from a GP at 17 and from there the roll call of psychologists and psychiatrists began. From my long experience I concluded some time ago that the discipline of psychology, certainly for me, had not merely nothing to offer, but was detrimental. Participation in the "therapies" offered under its umbrella has left me feeling very foolish in retrospect and somewhat embarrassed. I believe, after near half a century of anxiety and depression, that there is something "physical" (whether it is chemical, electrical - signals between parts of the brain or neuron network or structural) that is the cause of my illness. This is why psychiatry has something to offer, although it will have more to offer after another half or whole century than it does at present. Whilst well in excess of a 100 combinations of drugs have failed to help me, bzo's (abbreviated) have throughout my journey been of temporary assistance. One in particular seems to "click" with me, although only effective a short time. It is no solution, but for 35 years or so I have taken that one and had benefit from it, albeit for a short time. The action of bzo's is not fully understood and they are of no benefit, in fact probably to the contrary, in their effect on depression. But the very fact that they seem to temporarily calm my anxiety and bolster my confidence is the reason that I am convinced of the "physicality" of my illness. Thus any talk therapy is a waste of my time and money. The study of the neurobiology of the brain is in my view the distant light that will offer meaningful treatments for people in the future for the twin "evils" of anxiety and depression. I cannot see, however, that occurring in my lifetime, thus I am condemned by the era in which I live to continue to suffer until I draw my my last breath.

I did reply @Former-Member but it was held up by moderation due to "Safety".

I gather this was because I mentioned a medication although I was careful not to mention dosage - rather I briefly mentioned it's efficacy.

On the other hand I was asked to remove the highlighted portion of my post - and my entire post was highlighted! This is annoying but moderators across all manner of forums seem to inevitably feel they need to do something - for self-worth I gather.

Hopefully it will appear at some point.