Sexually abused as a teenager - need advice

Hi @Elle58

First I want to say welcome to the forum. It's a great place and safe place to write your story and connect with others.

I am very sorry you have been abused as a child. I can totally relate to your story, I was sexually abused as a child 9-12 yrs old by my uncle, neighbour and brother. when i told my parents i wasn't believed and they disowned me for 4 years. i still to this day have never been validated.

You are in such a tricky situation being your upcoming wedding and your 'uncle' being invited by your mum. I can understand the reasons behind not telling her because i was the same, the family dynamic changed as soon as i told my parents.

there is so much you need to think about? do you tell your mum and possibly ruin your wedding day and family dynamics. I am not saying don't tell her, because there will be at some point that you may want to tell her. But then if he is there, you will be on edge the whole day/night. and that is not right either.

this is so difficult, i really don't know how to help you with this. i can only advice.

when my sister had her 50th she invited my brother (my abuser) to the party. i wanted to go to the party for my sister but was very very anxious because i knew he would be there. so i saw my GP and he gave me some meds to help me relax. it was a very awkward and horrible night, i was quiet the whole night staying close to my family.

and also if he is going to be there he will trigger all the trauma that happened. oh this is so difficult. i really feel for you.

sending you lots of hugs and love,

happy to keep chatting to you and supporting you here

xxxxxoooo

Hi and welcome, @Elle58 , it's good you've joined.

Congratulations on your upcoming marriage!

I am so sorry you were abused as a teenager. And that you find yourself in this impossible situation now.

I echo what @BlueBay said. I also told my severely emotionally abusive father that he'd done me lifetime damage, and he estranged me.

I'm wondering if you can tell a few people - friends and/or your partner - about this uncle and ask them to protect you from him at the wedding? You wouldn't need to tell them what he did, just say you're very uncormfortable with him or that you hate him or something, and don't want to speak to him on the day.

I hope a solution becomes clear for you.

A handy forum tip is if you type @ and click on a name in the drop-down box, that person will get a notification and won't miss your reply.

I hope you find the forums a supportive place.

@BlueBay Thank you so much for sharing your story with me and I’m sorry that happened to you! It makes me so angry that stories like this are far too common. Your family’s reaction is exactly the reason I don’t want to tell my family. But to be honest, I feel like my relationship with my family is already being impacted by not inviting my uncle. My dad is usually on my side with these things, but my mom has even turned him on me for not inviting my uncle. But it will be worse and I’d have to relieve all the trauma if I had to repeat my story to my mom, dad etc and try to convince them that it happened. I will probably have to end up inviting him and just deal with it like you did. I’m hoping that since there will be enough people there, I won’t have to make eye contact with him and can pretend he’s not there.

@NatureLover That's great advice re saying that he makes me feel uncomfortable. I think I'll use that if I need to, thank you! I can trust my partner to believe me 100%, I just feel embarrassed to tell him 😞 great tip about replying to people's posts by the way! I think I've figured it out now 🙂

Hi @Elle58 firstly welcome I hope that you find it a safe place.

im really sorry for what you have had to walk through and I'm sorry that it's impacting on what should be a joyous time for you. There is so much expectations around weddings and the pressure from extended family to keep the peace by inviting all the family, when it's your special day and you should have there who is important to you and who you want to share your special day with. I understand that in some cultures it's even more important. So I'm sorry that this is what you are facing.

I too am a survivor and I glad that you have felt safe enough to share some of your story here. I would really encourage you to share it with your husband to be. Not only would it be important in sharing such a huge part of your teen years, sexual abuse can have all sorts of impacts on marriages. Not saying it's going to difficult for you, but by having your husband's understanding and having him know can help so much. I told my now ex about my childhood abuse before we got married, actually before we got engaged. My childhood abuse impacted me in so many different ways and influences how I responded to certain things. It was important that he understood that especially that it may impact us when it comes to intimacy. Your husband will also support you hopefully in making this decision about inviting your uncle or not.

All the best @Elle58 and congratulations on your pending wedding!