Mindfulness is Carly Simon.

My mind never clocks off.

Irrationality never clocks off.

I'm either depressed + paranoid + despairing, or elated + frustrated + oblivious.

I am checking in, whenever I think. "Am I being irrational?" I ask at every thought.

It isn't a bad thing, it sits in the background as comfortably as my tinnitus these days. Though it's not always been so.

The last few months have been difficult, with me charging through paranoia in order to maintain commitments I have taken on. 'Everyone hates me. I am being too involved.'
It got so bad that I spent all my days last week rehashing conversations I have had with a wonderful new group of friends I have made, criticising myself for offending them, telling myself to leave them alone.
In the past, I have lost friends with this, quit work. But this month, I countered it all with a simple freaking mantra, a song. It came into my head at some stage when I was silently debating if a friend was indeed ill or tired or just plain busy, or if they had silently decided to drop contact. I considered quitting the social commitments I had made involving all those I had these feelings about. Which was, everybody. I countered back and forth, until into my head dropped: "You're so vain, I bet you think this song is about you, you're so vain.... don't you? don't you? don't you?".

And, there it was. I can talk myself black and blue about how ridiculous my paranoid thoughts are, and question how convincing the counter arguments are. But have my mind suggest I am vain for considering people might hate me? Well, that struck a nerve. The thing I'm most paranoid of is being obnoxious or too political or too selfish, basically forever paranoid I am in essence, annoying! Suggest paranoia itself is centring everything on me? Ha, well I have a win. I can't have that. I seek to be there for others.

So, the chorus has been on repeat, and I got through it.

Now to just keep check on how much I allow myself to act on my elation and releif.

Does anyone else have a mantra that allows them to persevere through invasive thoughts? Others I have are "there are no tigers here, you are safe" when I'm feeling the rage build from fight/flight reactions. Thankyou, parenting book, for that one. Suggestions in said book have done more for me in one year than any form of psych for over a decade!

xxx