traumatised by psychologists and doctors

Hello

My primary diagnosis is Schizoaffective Disorder. That is managed OK

I have used a lower case "t" in the title for "trauma", it is a work in progress

Has anybody else had very unhelpful, probably counter productive experiences with particularly psychologists, but doctors in general

My old psychiatrist moved around 2015, and I was placed with a cold, distant, judgemental phychiatrist who insisted on only seeing me for reviews when crises hit. And his modus operandi was leaving meaningful interactions to psychologists

The first i saw once or twice, then she went on maternity leave

The second was fresh out of uni. She asked if i have siblings. I said 3 sisters and i am second youngest

She interpreted that as 3 total, feverishly scribbled notes and mumbled about identifying as "second youngest" because she heard 2 sisters not 3

She asked me to name them

Me "Shaz is oldest, then... "

Her "Then you?"

Me "No, let me finish. Shaz is oldest... "

Her "Then you?"

Me "No! Let me finish! Shaz is oldest, and then... "

Her "And then you?"

This went on for 20 minutes

The third was the worst. She wouldn't let me read the contract i was expcted to sign. She asked my goals, I told her that I was only there because GP had harrassed me for 12 months to go see her, I had no goals (repeat that cycle a few times)

She took a history, including asking more details about my childhood rape than I have ever told anybody before or since. And similar for the living situation i was in during high school, including coercive control

She fixated on sleep. I explained sleep is not new, all that has been tried and failed

The rest of the appointment was screaming back and forth. Her citing text books, me saying it doesn't help, only hinders

I asked her if she was aware that i was in the room (she just kept talking over me, ignoring questions) and she ignored the question

I don't remember a chunk of appt, but I tried to leave suddenly, and she lunged in front of the door, said she just wanted to talk

(I was petrified of her by this point, she refused to let me leave)

She let me out, she shuffled to practice manager office where gp was waiting. She yelled at him a lot. And he kept saying "I didn't know"

i never went back to her or that GP. I ruled out psychologists with new gp and have been under care of GP, dietitian and some fleeting quacks since 2016

But, the memories of that apointment haunt me every day. Similar to what i know as "ruminating" but loud and no narrative to how the present. No build up. Not hallucinated, all internal thoughts, just LOUD

So, I have a referral to new psychiatrist. And I worry that I will bork it. I will either shut down and cower, or get aggressive if they fixate on slep, or run away scared