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CPTSD with no one to blame.

mantarayContributor15 Nov 2021, 12:09 am AEDT

CPTSD with no one to blame.

Hello everyone, this seems to be an extremely kind and empathetic environment and it's lovely to talk to you all.

I was diagnosed with psychosis, bipolar and mania and the age of 21 after graduating uni, I was in the ward for a month and recovery took a year (they did an amazing job tbh and I'm very grateful for the professionals who helped me). 7 years later and I have finally begun scratching the surface of what I have now realised is my primary label of CPTSD.

Growing up at the age of 6 I witnessed my mum taken from me, on a street infront of primary school, shoved into a divvy van and institutionalised, I would later learn she had schizophrenia. When I was 11 my sister was diagnosed with a similar condition. My entire childhood environment was defined by violent verbal outbursts, emotional neglect, frustration and a constant performance of normality for the rest of the world and my extended family. I am at a loss in my recovery at the moment as, as far as I can recall, no one did anything wrong. There was no perpetrator to my abuse. My dad worked 3 jobs, he never hit us, he did literally everything in his power to keep the family together and keep my sister and I looked after and educated. She is now doing well and my life, on paper, is fine. But throughout all this, I developed and intense emotional distance from my own humanity. I became a total people pleaser, a mirror to the world. I completely freak out if I don't feel like I can fit in and seem normal so I have become incredibly talented at making friends, humanising myself and being generally good, if not great company. I know Im blowing smoke up my own ass here, but in a way, I'm not. I don't want to be like this. It doesn't, and has never felt genuine, as it is a result of a learned behaviour that I felt forced to take on due to the shame and embarrasment of my chaotic family life. I have never felt like a person among people, it's always been me and the rest, and my ability to convince the rest that I'm just like them. Every compliment I've ever recieved has been to my mask, not to me, so I've never believed them or taken them in. How could I? They were complimenting a performance I was doing for them, not my true self.

Anyway I don't know if this is appropriate for this forum as I am new, I apoligise if this is the wrong place. I hope someone can read this and maybe begin to understand where I am coming from.

I just need to be heard to be speaking from a place of truth, not through this tailored version of myself that I've been living for 22 years. That's my story and that's how I feel. Thanks everyone.

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In response to: CPTSD with no one to blame.

NatureLoverSenior Contributor16 Nov 2021, 7:39 am AEDT

Re: CPTSD with no one to blame.

Hi @mantaray , I'm glad to hear you have a good psychologist for the moment, even if you swop down the track.

@mantaray wrote:
In regards to this mask, I do have a question... do you play with the idea that the mask just... is you? Or even parts of it? I find that I desperately want a clear delineation as to whats behind it, and what it looks like when I'm wearing it you know, and that blurriness is really uncomfortable. Like... if my healing process going foward should be about putting the mask down (and I do desperately want that), what if that means losing parts of myself that are really fun and can bring me joy at times?

I think the mask is partly you (or me). I found that I tried showing my real thoughts just a little at a time, and found that it worked, and felt really good, so kept doing it. I reckon you can keep the fun parts of yourself!

I found during the slow process of revealing myself that I questioned some 'friendships' that were not helpful to me, and let them go. That was a learning experience. Also, some people wouldn't accept the real me, and dumped me, and I was much better off without those people in my life moving forward.

I also found some family members didn't want me to 'change' as they used to have power over me. I had to distance myself from them. I'm still in polite contact but limit what I show them about myself.

The whole long process was definitely worth it - I can't tell you how good and honest and authentic it feels to be myself with most people in my life. Am still working on the process, too. One benefit that I never expected is that it actually helps others too. It helps others to be authentic themselves, plus I've found that being open about my mental health helps others - often people will sidle up to me at work and ask me quietly how you go about getting a psychologist, or ask about my OCD as their child has OCD traits, or whatever.

Not sure if all that answers your questions!

In response to: CPTSD with no one to blame.

AussieRechargerSenior Contributor16 Nov 2021, 12:09 pm AEDT

Re: CPTSD with no one to blame.

Hey @mantaray

Change brings loss, and when we can feel stuck, it can be because we are unwilling to accept that loss, that emotional attachment to the familiar that has led us to this spot. It's not that you are abandoning something in your life and leaving it incomplete, it's more that some parts of your life are not fit for purpose anymore and while they got you to this point, they are now baggage weighing you down. Exactly like an emotional rocket booster on the space shuttle. Once the fuels are gone, there's no point in keeping them attached they are just holding back the shuttle from moving forward. Have a look at your rocket boosters in your life and see which ones have done their job and no longer have any fuel left to propel you forward.

🙂

In response to: Re: CPTSD with no one to blame.

AppleblossomSenior Contributor31 Mar 2026, 12:35 pm AEDT

Re: CPTSD with no one to blame.

Hello @mantaray

This is the first time I have read this thread, even though it is from years ago. I loved your rhyme and turn of phrase on a recent post... something about swearing to whoever is up there...

then I saw this...for what its worth... I had some striking similarities... eg mum in psych ward with label schizophrenia... but my siblings and I went into orphanages when I was 6... cos dad was also similarly diagnosed... both parents came back for us .. one at a time... but dad died when I was 11. The sibling who was a baby stayed in so called care.

There are not many people who you can say the schizophrenia word to... its too scary even if I say it in a calm tone and context.

I began meditation in my 20s but was also told to get in touch with my anger in my 20s... it took a while... I too became a people pleaser, but it didnt feel like a mask... it was very core to who I was and felt authentic....yet recently I have been doing shadow work, trying to find more strength and assertiveness.

Last night, I had a weird moment on the train coming home from the comedy festival. The screens on the trains were showing the wrong destinations, and we did end up being caught out by a sudden switch. I stood up and swore when I realised we were going in the wrong direction. Somehow my energy was harnessed in a moment of panic, then I settled. My coping style is mostly... calming... regulating self soothing... and keeping on keeping on...but yes I have the capacity to feel and react, with energy...

I find the idea of emotion being ... energy in motion... often more relevant... than all the feeling wheels... though I am trying to learn about them too.

anyway ... good to meet you.

@NatureLover

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