MDTSenior Contributor
A struggle I've only come to accept
Hi forumites. Something has been bugging me the past 2 days. I need some advice. It's very personal and so I have place a trigger spoiler. I mention things to do with childhood vulnerability and things of a sexual nature. Please note that this stuff is very very personal and I may well decided to delete it after a week or so depending how it goes. I haven't tagged anyone either because I think I prefer to just say this. So here goes....
Content/trigger warning
The other night i met up with a girl i was speaking with throughout lockdown. I decided to delete all dating apps during lockdown because there was no point to speaking to anyone. I started to talk with her during lockdown and she told me she had mental health issues and that i could relate.
Fast forward to last week and we met in person and did part of a longer walk and it was good. Quick but good.
THen this week she invited me to her student house to cook some food from her home country. I was kind of hoping things would progress from there if you catch my drift.
Well there were some moments where I felt it could've but i shied away from it. The reason for this I could not tell at the time. But on the way home it dawned on me that the reason was because of the vulnerable situation I had been in when I was younger. When I used to speak to a religious figure at my church. We would speak about things which "were below the belt" so to speak - to do with "Certain things that happen" at that stage in a boy's life.
i've never really spent much time thinking about it and thinking about why it occured. But it was always off my own bat when i did speak to him.
When I was there on Tuesday at this girl's place I was very torn. I wanted something to happen and I was expecting it to and maybe there were signs there too - but I'd never been in that situation before and didn't know how to read it. I was very worried that i was misreading it.
Again because I'd never been in that situation before.
The reason so much of this is a mystery is because i feel that it's something i should've figured out by now at the age of 28 and it hurts knowing that i could've had my 20s experience be quite different to that of the one i have had - so i have an almost grief/loss response - it's something i don't know.
I had to call Lifeline about this topic yesterday and I constructed a narrative around it that was basically helpful.
It was hard for me to articulate it in the past but I guess I have now.
Going through that experience at that stage in my life with this religious elder was what I wanted in that time of my life because i was concerned and worried about things of that sexual nature. Intimicacy was a no go zone unless you were married. Dating was a no go unless you intended on getting married. I was threatened with hellfire and sin. It was a big no go zone.
Nothing about any of this was normal. And now I'm in a world where I want to find out about that part of myself and I have NO idea how to. I felt like my experiences 10 years ago within the religious community negatively skewed my views on both this topic, but also myself.
I spoke about this only all too briefly last Tuesday with this girl. She spoke at length about her relationship history. I appreciate that because it lies within the same realm of intimacy. It was very on again and off again for her.
My only conclusion is that I want to do 2 things. I need to speak about this with my psych. I also want to be honest with this girl and actually say that I wanted to go further. Just to see what she says. I need to know.
Anyway. I'll leave it there. This is very painful for me to explore.
Fast forward to last week and we met in person and did part of a longer walk and it was good. Quick but good.
THen this week she invited me to her student house to cook some food from her home country. I was kind of hoping things would progress from there if you catch my drift.
Well there were some moments where I felt it could've but i shied away from it. The reason for this I could not tell at the time. But on the way home it dawned on me that the reason was because of the vulnerable situation I had been in when I was younger. When I used to speak to a religious figure at my church. We would speak about things which "were below the belt" so to speak - to do with "Certain things that happen" at that stage in a boy's life.
i've never really spent much time thinking about it and thinking about why it occured. But it was always off my own bat when i did speak to him.
When I was there on Tuesday at this girl's place I was very torn. I wanted something to happen and I was expecting it to and maybe there were signs there too - but I'd never been in that situation before and didn't know how to read it. I was very worried that i was misreading it.
Again because I'd never been in that situation before.
The reason so much of this is a mystery is because i feel that it's something i should've figured out by now at the age of 28 and it hurts knowing that i could've had my 20s experience be quite different to that of the one i have had - so i have an almost grief/loss response - it's something i don't know.
I had to call Lifeline about this topic yesterday and I constructed a narrative around it that was basically helpful.
It was hard for me to articulate it in the past but I guess I have now.
Going through that experience at that stage in my life with this religious elder was what I wanted in that time of my life because i was concerned and worried about things of that sexual nature. Intimicacy was a no go zone unless you were married. Dating was a no go unless you intended on getting married. I was threatened with hellfire and sin. It was a big no go zone.
Nothing about any of this was normal. And now I'm in a world where I want to find out about that part of myself and I have NO idea how to. I felt like my experiences 10 years ago within the religious community negatively skewed my views on both this topic, but also myself.
I spoke about this only all too briefly last Tuesday with this girl. She spoke at length about her relationship history. I appreciate that because it lies within the same realm of intimacy. It was very on again and off again for her.
My only conclusion is that I want to do 2 things. I need to speak about this with my psych. I also want to be honest with this girl and actually say that I wanted to go further. Just to see what she says. I need to know.
Anyway. I'll leave it there. This is very painful for me to explore.
