Effective Communication: Toolbox

Interesting, @cloudcore ! I need to work more on listening well with people I know well. You know how you can get into a sort of shorthand with people you interact with daily, and react like you know what they'll say? Especially in a fast-paced work environment with colleagues, where time is crucial. I need to be more patient.

Interestingly, I did an essay at uni on the "Communicative Presumption" - the assumption that someone is trying to communicate with you in a way you'll understand. In it I discussed that finishing each other's sentences is actually a bonding thing. (I do it with my brother all the time). It's a desire to show the person you connect with them and know them well. Of course, it can work the other way with people you don't know as well, and be a rude and aggressive thing. With most people I guess it's not a good thing, to try and finish the other person's sentence. But with my brother it's OK I reckon, as we've always done it. Maybe I should actually ask him one day if it's OK...hmmm.

Hi @cloudcore @NatureLover @LostAngel @chibam @pinklollipop15 ,

1. Which skills have you found most helpful/useful?

When heightened or triggered, I've learnt to STOP and come back later to answer. It's not worth saying something harmful.

Which skills would you like to work more on? Pick two and I’d love to hear how you go implementing them in a conversation or throughout this next week!

Id ready like to work on pace of verbal communication. When I'm nervous, I speak really quickly and tend to cut people off talking. I need to practice SLOWING DOWN!

Id also like to take note of how many 'filler' words I use in a sentence.

What are some other verbal and non-verbal communication skills that you know and practice?

The way I dress is also a form of communication as my personal dress code may be suitable for some cultures but not for others.

Also, I find derogatory language very painful to the ear. It somehow hurts me a lot when people use it. This is a challenge because a lot of people use it as part of their everyday language. I hate asking adults to mind their language.

Hi @cloudcore and everyone,

Definitely pausing before speaking has been helpful because it allows me to gather my thoughts. I'm also pretty good at eye contact and non-verbal communication. I think sometimes my tone can be loud and sometimes I can speak using big words rather than simple language. This is something I definitely need to work on.

Some other skills I can think of that I know and use are active listening, smiling, using humour, facial expressions and hand gestures.

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@pinklollipop15 wrote:

sometimes I can speak using big words rather than simple language

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@pinklollipop15 me too. I've worked on this over the years, but sometimes one slips out still.

Yes its something I have had to rein in and lately I've been swearing a lot and I have to rein that in too.. not towards anyone just in conversation.. maybe as a point of emphasis.. so have to cut that out.

I definitely lack assertiveness in putting across my needs.
I don't yet know if this is because of the strong personalities I have had to communicate with, past trauma or a lack of confidence.

This makes it impossible for me to have relationships because I avoid conflict to the point where I boil and then it all comes out of the blue completely and incoherently.

This would be life changing for me if I could learn to communicate openly. I'm hoping it's because I haven't found the right person yet.

but I would be lying if I didn't say it has me worried.

Active Listening and Assertive Communication

This week, let’s talk about how we listen and speak to others!

Active Listening

Active listening is one of the most important communication skills you have, as how well you listen can determine the quality of your relationships with others. Active listening, however, not only means focusing fully on the speaker but also actively showing verbal and non-verbal signs of listening. It’s important that we listen and show we are listening to others so that others are willing to listen to us.

Active listening skills can include:

• Paying attention.
  While simple, showing signs that you are paying attention for extended lengths of time can be tricky. Paying attention makes use of our non-verbal skills like eye contact, nodding, having upright/alert posture and not fidgeting. It involves being focused on the moment and operating from a place of respect as a listener. While many of us can pay attention to other’s we are interested in and care for, it is easy to forget these non-verbal cues when we are in a conversation with someone we don’t like, or in an argument or upsetting discussion. It’s important to pay attention to everyone we interact with if we want to continue communication with them.
  
  
• Withholding judgement and advice
  Often judgement and advice can come from a good place, we want to help and guide others who may be going through a difficult time or making hard choices. However, providing judgement and advice does not help others if they do not ask for it. When we jump in to give other’s our opinions and try to find solutions we can come across as dismissive and rude, and often our input can be really unhelpful (as we don’t know the ins and outs of others situations!). This can shut down the conversation and cause tension in our relationships. Instead, we must be aware of our own emotional reactions and thoughts, breathe and sit back - withholding judgement and advice until it is requested.
  
  
• Reflecting feelings
  Reflecting feelings means stating any feelings or emotions you hear the other person say or display to demonstrate understanding and acceptance. This is an effective listening/communication skill because it is person-focused, as opposed to giving advice which is self-focused.
  For example:
  Person 1: “I don’t know how to fix this relationship, it’s so frustrating that they just won’t talk to me about our problems! I cry everyday.”
  Person 2: “I can hear how frustrating and upsetting this is for you”
  
  

Assertive Communication

Assertive communication is the ability to express positive and negative ideas and feelings in an open, honest and direct way. It’s important for sharing stories, communicating our needs and boundaries, and constructively confronting and resolving conflict. It also allows us to take responsibility for ourselves and our actions without judging or blaming other people, leading us to build our self-esteem and develop mutual respect with others. Paired with effective verbal and non-verbal skills, assertive communication can make us highly influential on a personal and societal level.

Assertive communication skills can include:

• Using 'I' statements.
  Using "I" statements takes ownership of our thoughts, feelings and needs, and lets others know our position and boundaries in a respectful, non-accusatory or judgemental way.
  We can do this is by saying:
  - “I feel…” and
  - “I need…”,
  
  and avoiding using “you” like:
  - “You make me feel…”
  - “You need to give me…”, or even
  - “I feel like you are not listening”
  - “I feel that you only do what you want.”
  
  Using “you” does not communicate our feelings and needs, but rather our thoughts and opinions on other’s actions – which can shut down a conversation, and make others defensive and/or dismissive.
  
  Here are some examples of what ‘I’ statements have looked like for me,
  With my partner:
  - “I feel upset and overwhelmed right now, and I need some space before we continue to talk about this.” or
  - “I feel hurt and rejected when there are phone interruptions during dinner. I need quality time without distractions in relationships in order to feel safe and loved.”
  
  With a psychologist:
  - “I feel scared and anxious about touching this subject today, I need to focus on something else”
  - “I feel unheard and ignored when I get advice from others, I just need someone to listen.”
  
  Using “I” statements and putting up boundaries takes practice, as it can be really scary/vulnerable expressing our feelings and needs (I know it is for me!). However, it’s really important to speak with ownership of our thoughts and feelings to have our needs met, protect our wellbeing, foster our relationships with others and create change.
  
  
• Making clear, assertive requests.
  There are multiple types of communication, and therefore multiple ways to make requests. This includes:
  - Aggressive requests: disregarding other’s needs and feelings, and bullying other’s into meeting demands,
  “Since you’re just sitting around all day can you go pick up the groceries?”
  
  - Passive requests: prioritising other’s needs and feelings at our own expense, giving people “outs” and asking in a roundabout way,
  “You seem tired, so I can get the groceries I guess. I have a lot to do but I don’t want to burden you. I would appreciate it if you could, but up to you I guess”
  
  - Assertive requests: considers and respects our own needs and the needs of others, is straightforward and leaves room for compromise.
  “Will you please pick up the groceries when you’re free?”
  
  Having a healthy regard for other’s rights does mean that we won’t always get what we want. Assertive requests put forth our needs and wants first but leaves room for discussion. It is important for us to communicate this way to reduce confusion, resentment and conflict, and reach a point where we and the other person can both be satisfied. It’s a real skill!
  
  

For the community to reflect on:

1. What is a barrier to active listening for you?
2. What is a barrier to assertive communication for you?
3. What are some other active listening and assertive communication skills that you know and practice?

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@LostAngel @BPDSurvivor @chibam @pinklollipop15 @ArtistZ @Survivor @Clawde @Appleblossom @StuF @RedHorse @NatureLover @grayhorn

@cloudcore This is all so useful! Something to read over and over again.

Which of these skills have you found most helpful/useful in your conversations?

The withholding judgement and unwanted advice (in most topics).

Which skills would you like to work more on? Pick two and I’d love to hear how you go implementing them in a conversation or throughout this next week!

I'd like to work on the withholding unwanted advice in my two areas of expertise, which is where I want to jump in with what I know.

Also, assertive requests - using 'I' statements when I feel uncomfortable in the conversation (see below*).

What are some other active listening and assertive communication skills that you know and practice?

I've had a think, but I don't know.

*One thing I have had trouble with in the past is in conversation with a friend (or anyone) when you seriously disagree with what they're saying. For instance, I have two friends who listen to conspiracy theories about Covid, and I try to listen, but if you nod and give the 'I'm listening" signals, they think you're agreeing with them. I definitely value them as friends so I want to be supportive, but when they say extreme or hateful things, I can't. I generally say something like, "Oh no, I don't think that's the case" and try to turn the conversation, but I see now that what I'm doing is continuing the argument for that person. I can see from your post that it would be better to say something like, "I feel a bit uncomfortable talking about X, can we talk about something else?"

@cloudcore

This is pretty much something I studied about 30 years ago and have tried to implement in most of my communication.

There are times ( probably less than 1% of my speech) when I just "speak my truth" straight without fear or favour, as that becomes essential at times to keep body mind and soul connected, but mostly I am disciplined about following these kinds of guidelines.

I am not talented at "I" statements or stating what I need, as I was raised with such low level of voice and low level of expectation, I simply do not know what many people from non trauma backgrounds take for granted.

Unfortunately, it has not been enough to protect me or my family, as many people do not bother with that level of self reflection or consideration.

There are problems with open and closed groups and feedback loops that make make "Assertive Communication Styles" insufficient cure for all social ills. Still its better than nothing, and I am left crossing my fingers for good luck.

@NatureLover I'm so glad you find this useful! I can really relate to your experience of wanting to jump in and offer advice when it comes to our area of expertise, I'm still guilty of doing this at times! It's hard to withhold practical help or knowledge when we have the answers someone needs. Something that I have tried in these situations is asking "Would you like my opinion/advice on this?" and proceeding accordingly.

Also great point about how nodding can be miscontrued as agreement! Nodding is definitely one of those cues that we can use sparingly in conversations about views we don't align with. I'd love to hear whether saying "I feel a bit uncomfortable talking about X, can we talk about something else?" helps in future conversations with friends

@Appleblossom , thank you for sharing! I hear your experience with being raised with little voice and I'm sorry to hear of the barriers and hardships you still face with regards to communication. I was raised very much the same, and still find assertive communication difficult at times - not just in its usage but also in the backlash assertive communication can sometimes cause. You're absolutely right that assertive communication won't solve all the challenges we face nor be the right style in every situation, but also I hope that it can at the very least help us build our confidence to ask for what we need or set boundaries when needed