Effective Communication: Toolbox

I think that communication is when your clearly able to understand another person and they clearly understand you in terms of what your saying to each other directly as well as body language communication creates mutual listening,talking and understanding of each other

1. I'm good at expressing myself in person about happy, positive, logical, scientific and empathetic topics. I try to be a good listener in person too and give people the space and time to say what they need or want to say.

I struggle sometimes to express myself well in written form and rely on emoticons to show people that I'm being friendly because I don't always have the right words.

2. I often like communicating with people in a once off setting because then it doesn't matter if you're being 'weird' - they have no context or reference for your behaviour.

Commuicating in close relationships is something I've worked hard on because it's really easy to internalise stuff rather than 'put it out there'.

I have a huge amount of trouble with confrontation and end up having to go away and have a meltdown afterwards.

Looking forward to the discussion!

I think I'm good at active listening and verbal communication but sometimes have difficulty with assertive communication particularly with people who I feel close to and don't want to upset their feelings. Sometimes I bottle up my feelings and frustrations rather than repeat for the tenth time my wishes. Sometimes I feel stressed but I'm getting quicker at regulating my emotions. Oh I have pretty much answered question 2.. speaking to people I feel close to I find more difficult at times. could be friends or family.

---

@cloudcore wrote:

To start off the discussion:

1. Which effective communication skills do you think you are good at, and which skills do you think may need more work?

---

When it comes to really important stuff, I'm hopeless in real-life conversations. I feel as if I'm much better expressing myself in writing, but I really don't know, because I don't always get direct feedback that offers any insight as to whether I've been understood or misunderstood.

In real-life 'big' conversations, I never seem to have any sense of control; the conversation goes places I could never anticipate. I find myself having to address things on-the-fly that I hadn't really considdered, and the relavance of which I don't really understand. I get all turned around and lost in the discussion.

One of the big things I've historically struggled with is trying to explain to others why I don't like certain things. When your confronted with questions like that unexpectedly, and you can't clearly explain your position (because you've never really thought about how to explain it to someone who doesn't intuitively understand it), you come off like an irrational nut. So, you lose the conversation.

I guess that means I'm bad at Assertive Communication. Not that that's a bad thing; just more that I seem to be stuck with the wrong people.

In terms of trivial chit-chat, I'm much better; but even then there are problems, because I tend to unintentionally give off cues that give people the wrong idea about me. For example, I might slip up and let people know I have a working knowledge of how computers work, which solidifies their preconceptions that I must like computers; when in reality I despise computers and want a life where I spend most of my time engaging with friends/family in real life and doing hands-on work; with very little time being stuck behind a computer.

I think I also sort of struggle with Empathy, because, although I think I understand the emotions of others, I don't understand why they want to perpetuate their bad emotions; and I also don't understand how to make them happy.

---

@cloudcore wrote:

2. Do you find it more difficult to communicate effectively in some relationships/settings compared to others? If so, which ones? (for example, speaking to friends vs speaking to family, or face to face vs online)

---

I have a much easier time talking with strangers then with people who know me. Though it's been some time since I've gotten to speak properly with a stranger.

I have great difficulty talking with short-tempered, critical, or judgemental types; people who seem to be deliberately looking for any cause they can find to lash out at you or berate you. That's a massive proportion of the people I know, unforutnately.

Moreover, I find it really difficult/pointless trying to talk to people I know have a vastly differant mindset to me. It's not just a question of having the strength, the technique, and a realistic shot and meaningful communication, either. There are really immense ethical issues at play, too.

Is it right to encroach upon their cozy, little concept of their community with your disruptive alien mindset? Don't they have a right to have a sense of home? The sense that they are happily surrounded by a community who are all on the same team, playing to the same rules and towards the same goal?

I struggle immensely with the ethics of all this; which make it very difficult to communicate. I need help. But how much justification do I have to hurt/disturb others in order to obtain it? Ideally, I never want to hurt anyone, ever.

@chibam @cloudcore ,

I prefer writing too, but I'm mindful things can come out differently when written as opposed to spoken (and vice versa).

There's so much more to communication than simply the words - need to consider emojis, tone, body language, upper/lowercase letters...

Emojis never really existed when I was a kid yet it plays a crucial role in communication nowadays.

Just like the world around us, communication is always evolving.

BPDSurvivor

@BPDSurvivor So true. I've been misconstrued more then once over a written message. There's a lot that's left up to the reader's imagination, as you say (e.g. tone).

Still, for some of us, even with all it's pitfalls, we are able to communicate far more effectively and clearly via writing then we ever could with real-time discussion. I guess all forms of communication have their respective pitfalls, and it just comes down to the individual as to which form suits their own individual strengths and weaknesses the best.

@LostAngel, I absolutely agree!

@ArtistZ I resonate so much with many of your points, thanks for sharing. Written communication can be really tricky for me too, which I don't find surprising given studies have shown us more than 70 percent of all communication is nonverbal! Without facial expressions and tone, friendliness and compassion can definitely be hard to convey, so emojis can help so much with half of those missing cues. We will be discussing this further tomorrow

@pinklollipop15 thanks for sharing! I have struggled a lot with assertive communication as well, and can relate to bottling up feelings and frustrations for the benefit of other people's feelings. It doesn't leave me feeling great after conversations though so working on being more assertive has helped me and my wellbeing greatly

@chibam I hear you, communicating in writing can give us space to think and express ourselves without the pressure of other's cutting us off or judging us before we can express ourselves fully. While I personally find written communication more difficult (because I have a habit of over thinking about what I am writing! ), I can understand that feeling of "losing" in a spoken conversation. Communicating our feelings and thoughts in general can be really tricky.

Thank you for also raising the points around having conversations that might encroach on other's beliefs and feelings. It can be challenging knowing when we have the right to assert ourselves and discuss our views with people who might disagree with us or are not ready to have certain conversations. This is something we can definitely discuss in our topics about active listening and empathy

@BPDSurvivor communciation certainly is always evolving!

Thank You CloudCore

Verbal and Non-Verbal Communication Skills

This week, let’s start off with the basics!

Verbal Communication

While only a small percentage of communication happens through words, the words we choose and how we deliver them can make or break a conversation. Words carry weight and meaning, and we have the power to comfort, hurt, anger, entertain and educate others with them. Effective verbal communication skills therefore are about being able to pick the right words, and deliver them so that other’s will listen and can understand our intent and meaning.

In the context of mental health, verbal communication skills are especially important. As a community with lived experience of complex mental health concerns, or that care for those with complex mental health concerns, we must learn to communicate effectively through words to share our stories, create communities, and seek support too.

Here are some tips for enhancing your verbal communication skills:

• Pause to breathe before speaking
  Taking a breath before speaking gives your brain time to think about what to say. Often when engaged in stressful, heated or uncomfortable conversations we can feel like we have no time to think and end up saying things that don’t reflect or communicate our thoughts and emotions properly. Taking in a breath for a second after someone finishes speaking is also important for de-escalating a conversation.
  
  
• Be clear and concise
  Avoid using long and complex sentences, and filler words like “um”, “ah” and “like”, as much as possible. People can (sadly) lose interest and dismiss us when we are not able to communicate our needs, thoughts and feelings clearly. It’s important for us to think ahead and plan what we want to say so that when it comes up, it can be easier to say.
  
  
• Use the appropriate loudness and tone
  It’s important to not only speak loudly enough so that others can hear us, but to also match our energy and volume to the conversation itself. This is a part of being an interesting storyteller that others want to listen to. For example, it’s not appropriate to be loud and excited when talking about grief, solemn and quiet when talking our passions, nor is it suitable to be sarcastic when delivering an apology. If you’re ever unsure what is fitting for a conversation, you can often model it off the loudness and tone of person you are speaking to.
  
  
• Avoid using jargon and derogatory language where possible.
  When we use technical and derogatory language, we risk isolating and/or offending other people in conversations- especially in mental health spaces. It’s important to consider that others have a different breadth of knowledge and may not understand the terms you use; and that some labels and phrases can be triggering and disempowering for those seeking support. To identify what jargon or derogatory terms to avoid, it’s important to do your research or speak to others with the relevant lived experience.

Non-verbal Communication

While words have weight, our non-verbal communication often speaks the loudest. Non-verbal communication makes up the majority of the communication that occurs in a conversation, and can play a huge role in how our words and intentions are interpreted. Effective non-verbal skills are therefore about showing the other person you have genuine interest and care for them, and sincerity in your words.

Here are some tips for enhancing your non-verbal communication skills:

• Maintain comfortable eye contact
  Don’t avoid eye contact, but do avoid staring! It’s important to meet someone’s gaze as it shows we are interested, listening, and that our focus is on them. Lack of eye contact can communicate dishonesty and disinterest. Something you could try if you are not used to maintaining eye contact, is breaking eye contact every 5-8 seconds or keep as much eye contact as the other person keeps with you.
  
  
• Maintain an open body position and good posture.
  When we cross our arms over our body, hunch over, or fidget, it can communicate defensiveness, insecurity, discomfort, or boredom. When our body position is open and we sit or stand up straight, it conveys that we are open to listening and feeling comfortable and confident. It’s important to convey confidence and openness so that other’s feel more comfortable opening up and listening to us as well.
  
  
• Manage your facial expressions and reactions.
  Emotional reactions in conversations are often expressed involuntarily through our face, and at times they can lead to misunderstandings and bring the end of a conversation or a relationship. While it is okay to feel offended, amused, or even disgusted by something another person has said, it’s important to manage our facial expressions and reactions if we want the conversation or relationship to continue, and instead communicate our feelings through words where they can be explained. One way to manage our reactions is by pausing, looking away for a moment and taking a few deep breaths when something affects us to collect ourselves.
  
  
• Watch your positioning in a conversation
  It’s important to position ourselves as an equal in conversations. We can do this by getting to the same eye level as the other person (ie sitting down if they are sitting down), or sitting side by side rather than face-to-face. Looking down at someone while speaking can be threatening and create tension, and looking up can make us feel small and uncomfortable. Further, sitting side by side if we are having a stressful or heated conversation, can position us as allies rather than opponents going head-to-head, and allows the conversation to feel friendly and nonconfrontational.

For the community to reflect on:

1. Which skills do you already use?
2. Which skills would you like to work more on?
3. What are some other verbal and non-verbal communication skills that you know and practice?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

@LostAngel @BPDSurvivor @chibam @pinklollipop15 @ArtistZ @Survivor @Clawde @Appleblossom @StuF @RedHorse @NatureLover