Unequipped to Function

I hear you @suddenpebble .

It sounds so challenging to be in a country on your own after living such a protected life. I acknowledge and appreciate the reason which prompted you to come here. I think that is very brave if you. It is like a mother bird allowing her chicks to fly for the first time. It takes a few tumbles... the bird doesn't give up. Eventually, its wings strengthen.

Do you think your current 'tumbles' are what it needs to 'strengthen your wings'? But I also understand that living in constant 'survival mode' can be very taxing physically and emotionally - yet you can't afford to 'take a rest'.

Also, do you think you are homesick?

I am glad you have found us here because I think a sense of connection and belonging makes a huge difference in lives.

I encourage you to continue reaching out. I look forward to hearing from you. Please feel free to tag me to your posts by including @ before my name. That way, I'll get a notification of your post/s.

Take care,

BPDSurvivor

Hi and welcome, @suddenpebble . I'm sorry to hear of your troubles...yes, the world can be very mean.

Can I ask how bad your depression and anxiety are? And do you have any professional help, like a good GP, medication, a counsellor or psychologist to talk through your troubles with and maybe get some strategies?

I hope you find the forums helpful.

To be honest, I would rather die than go back there. My family per se was not abusive in ways that were illegal but I was not my own person and it just felt like I did not belong there. My relatives look down on me because of the profession I chose. Those of my profession mostly dislike me because they think that I think I am better than them. Which is false. I am simply very reserved and introverted and it also all goes back to the my parents' socio-economic status. They are extremely conservative. That said, there was a very fine line that says what is right and wrong and I felt like all these pressures prevented me from living. Also being a teacher, there are certain strict rules that you have to obey which also prevents me from being me. You always have to look "professional". That said, there is only one type of fashion you can wear and you are not allowed to dye your hair. Back there, I felt like I was not living. When I first told my parents I wanted to move out, they wouldn't let me because "I was just wasting money". They didn't understand. Even as an adult, they always had a final say to all my decisions. I don't know. I am just broken.

No one is truly an island, right? So I don't see why I can't ask people how to do certain things I am not sure about. But for some reason, they are always hostile to me and would talk as if I should be ashamed I don't know how yet.

I don't know if I'm making sense anymore. I'm just so confused and frustrated.

I can mostly function as long as I don't need to "impress" people. Example: I have to join a work environment where I am the only new person and none of the people there reach out to me first. I don't know how to deal with that. I also dislike going outside because I am afraid that people will just be mean to me. To put it simply, I am not anxious only when it is "official business" and I am functioning in a role and not as myself.

I am also very anxious when it comes to health. I feel a pain here that my mind can't explain, I rush to the doctors. For the last 3 nights, I was not able to sleep because of asthma. The entire time, I was imagining scarring in my lungs due to smoke damage (had a little accident in the kitchen on top of pollen season) and that they might have to take out part of my lungs. This is the sort of anxiety I have.

I never used to have work anxiety until I had to do it here. I am scared that the kids will bully me for being a foreigner and honestly, they do. I've had teens mocking me because they assumed I was a certain nationality. I've had kids tell me to shove off because I wasn't their mom. And whats sad about it is no one in the school can offer me support or advise other than write it down. I was burnt out from my profession when I left my country. Now I feel like I just don't want to work as a teacher anymore.

But giving that up means I wont be able to stay here and I seriously dont want to go back "home". I feel like no one wants me and that I am not good enough to deserve to live.

I have a gp who has prescribed me medication. I honestly dont know if I can afford meds and a therapist. I did have a therapist but it felt like she wasn't seriously helping me. She felt more like a band aid and I felt like she invalidated my concerns. I am in the process of looking for one.

Hi @suddenpebble ,

I just want to acknowledge how scary and isolating it must have been to migrate here by yourself. I can only imagine how hard it was to leave everything you know behind and readjust to a new place, whilst managing the challenges of anxiety and depression. All the questions you're facing, and the hopelessness, frustration and fear you feel are completely understandable.

I hope that we're able to support you here on the forums because you don't deserve to be alone through all of this. I also will be checking in with you via email shortly just to make sure you're okay.

from cloudcore

Hi @suddenpebble ,

I feel your pain. I'm sorry to hear that your life revolves around feeling the need to impress others. I acknowledge how challenging and stressful it can be - thinking you have to live up to a certain standard. I don't think your parents were so much as 'abusive', but probably more 'oppressive'.

I know what you mean about today's young people in schools. I am a teacher too. Although I don't face it myself, I know how cruel they can be. I've witnessed it. As a teacher, I don't think you can teach much content unless you've established a good rapport with the kids.

Teaching is not easy. Do you like teaching? Have you looked at agency work as a casual relief teacher so you can choose where you want to work? Even though I teach, I've always had my foot in other occupations including having my own business and being a disability support worker. That way, if I'm sick of one job, I can pick myself up with another job.

I wish I could give you a magic pill to say everything is okay, but in reality, we know that's not going to work.

Besides work, do you have other places of connection or networking? Loneliness can also be a trigger for depression and anxiety.

Take care my friend,

BPDSurvivor

Hi @suddenpebble @BPDSurvivor @cloudcore @NatureLover

@suddenpebble even though I did not migrate here I can relate to a lot of what you have written so thankyou for writing it. I am sorry you are feeling that people are mean to you and feel that you are a failure. I think you are very brave to ask for help especially when you don't know something it takes courage. I think it takes great courage to leave your family and start again in a whole new place and country and people!

You have an internet connection its wonderful to just google things you don't know thats what I did when I first lived out of home and I would also ring my mum and ask how to cook this or how to wash that if I was really stuck - seems foolish I know but if you have not learnt or done it before how are you supposed to know unless you are taught?

I'm sure you are finding your way just fine and you already have had the courage to walk out on your own and think for yourself so look forward and even if you feel a person is mean towards you stand tall knowing you are doing the best you can and stay positive and proud of how much you have achieved.. you are not a failure and I don't even know you but you have inspired me by what you have written!

How are you @suddenpebble ?

I really appreciate everyone who replied to me. Its been a few days and I've calmed down somewhat. Anxiety is still pretty bad but Im definitely trying. I have at least booked an appointment for therapy. I really think I need all the support I can.