Lost3Casual Contributor
It's a prison where the walls are all inside me
I often look at my situation and think i should just get over it and that others are far worse if and selfishness should be my only diagnosis.
A bit about me (I'd that's OK)???
I can remember as early as early as 7 or 8 where I would suffer from anxiety and the need to be perfect.
Apparently though this can be trace back to when I was 3-4 years old.
I grew up as a biological child in a foster family where my parents fostered 100's of kids.
I was made to grow up quickly and see things and be exposed to situations and experiences far beyond my years.
I was never good in social situations and to this day have 1 friend. I just never trusted myself to open up to anybody.
At 18 my life fell apart for the first time when I watched my dad suddenly die from a clot in the heart.
This man was my hero, my idol. I couldn't sleep at night until i heard him walking up the driveway and hear his keys in the door.
He was known as a gentle giant. 6ft 4 with red hair and a moustache; such a tall figure but a heart of gold.
Following his death, I was told to organise the selling off of All his building supplies and settle the factory he owned; liaise with the Coroner (as it was a sudden death at home), male sure my younger siblings were ok and also deal with a lawsuit my mother wanted to pursuit against the treating doctor.
I also started a teaching degree at university.
I experienced my first what I now know is a pseudo seizure after seeing a councillor at the university.
I was also put on something that turned me into a zombie.
2 years later my youngest sister was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes and i was the one who hag to go to hospital with her. My sister was 11 days from her 4th birthday.
I knew my mum was unwell as she also had very poorly managed diabetes type II.
The morning after my sister was diagnosed and with about an hour worth of sleep on a chair I had to sit an important maths exam (they said it was too late to get an extension).
4 days later while i am trying to remain strong for my sister in the hospital with her and worth no money for food, I.was surviving on water and air literally; i received a phone call from another hospital saying my mum had been admitted when social workers went to check on her and found her in a diabetic coma.
I was talking to a nurse who was also a neighbor and I said to get over the phone "What about her foot"?.
I heard the nurse tell someone to take off her socks and then all i heard was "look at her foot".... the phone then went dead.
I was petrified to go home. My mum list half her foot and survived death, but she now said I had to have all the kids at home and look after them.there were 5 other kids.
I left the hospital with my sister 11 days later and home to look after my siblings.
I tried my hardest and had to give up uni for a year to make sure my sister with diabetes was settled in a good routine.
The others went feral and after almost a year I called my mum in rehab and said i couldn't do it anymore. I wanted to end my life.
My mum returned home, having had a below knee left leg amputation.
I was never allowed to forget that my mother never walked because i forced her home.
My mother was given everything she needed and help And refused it stating her kids would do it.
The one thing i could never bring myself to do was the empty the commode.
My mum had modified equipment in the bathroom but insisted on using this commide.
From that time mum's health just bounced all over the place and she was a regular at the local hospital.
I was still struggling but was told by my mother that mental health want real and i had to believe her i hag no other reference point.
I remained and fnished university but was and to this day remain petrified of teaching for fear of failing the kids.
I then came out to my mother at 26 and started seeing my now life partner.
My mum wasn't too thrilled and this extended to her giving me an ultimatum; either move out of the family home and in with the girl i was seeing our remain home and stop seeing her.
I left home. It was terrible at first but then got easier.
Mum almost died a further 5 times and last year her kidneys failed to the point where she was forced onto continuous dialysis. Luckily her kidneys kicked in and she went home.
In this time I almost died of multiple clots in both lungs (To this day they don't know why i got them).
The depressive periods were getting worse and suicidal thoughts became a comfort rather than a great.
My partner was blamed for my mental health and if i had never met her i wouldn't be on any medications.
My mum then list pay off her thumb to diabetes.
This last April, mum succumbed to everything failing And weeks before her death was diagnosed with cancer as well add heart failure, kidney failure and infections.
My mum asked me and me partner to stay with her on several occassions and do very intimate and private personal care.
She then died in the April of this year.
I have now been suspended with full pay from work because i didn't follow a direction and i believe i am example of.
No one had in any harm by any stretch of the imagination And nothing bad happened at all.
This had been for the last 3 and a half weeks and i am dying.
I have fallen into a feel and dangerous depression where i also sleep through the day and play card games on my phone endlessly at night.
I feel as though i am constantly being challenged to end it all everyday.
I have a spotless record at work and until this time was great.
This spiral is to the point where i now feel ass though it would be easier to just disappear.
I know how innocent prisoners in cells feel like. No control over their live and figure and at the mercy of everything and everyone.
Im losing the battle and want to pack a bag and drive away infinite the sunset.
I may want to know went I'm constantly being punished
I reckon i must have been someone bloody horrible last life.
A bit about me (I'd that's OK)???
I can remember as early as early as 7 or 8 where I would suffer from anxiety and the need to be perfect.
Apparently though this can be trace back to when I was 3-4 years old.
I grew up as a biological child in a foster family where my parents fostered 100's of kids.
I was made to grow up quickly and see things and be exposed to situations and experiences far beyond my years.
I was never good in social situations and to this day have 1 friend. I just never trusted myself to open up to anybody.
At 18 my life fell apart for the first time when I watched my dad suddenly die from a clot in the heart.
This man was my hero, my idol. I couldn't sleep at night until i heard him walking up the driveway and hear his keys in the door.
He was known as a gentle giant. 6ft 4 with red hair and a moustache; such a tall figure but a heart of gold.
Following his death, I was told to organise the selling off of All his building supplies and settle the factory he owned; liaise with the Coroner (as it was a sudden death at home), male sure my younger siblings were ok and also deal with a lawsuit my mother wanted to pursuit against the treating doctor.
I also started a teaching degree at university.
I experienced my first what I now know is a pseudo seizure after seeing a councillor at the university.
I was also put on something that turned me into a zombie.
2 years later my youngest sister was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes and i was the one who hag to go to hospital with her. My sister was 11 days from her 4th birthday.
I knew my mum was unwell as she also had very poorly managed diabetes type II.
The morning after my sister was diagnosed and with about an hour worth of sleep on a chair I had to sit an important maths exam (they said it was too late to get an extension).
4 days later while i am trying to remain strong for my sister in the hospital with her and worth no money for food, I.was surviving on water and air literally; i received a phone call from another hospital saying my mum had been admitted when social workers went to check on her and found her in a diabetic coma.
I was talking to a nurse who was also a neighbor and I said to get over the phone "What about her foot"?.
I heard the nurse tell someone to take off her socks and then all i heard was "look at her foot".... the phone then went dead.
I was petrified to go home. My mum list half her foot and survived death, but she now said I had to have all the kids at home and look after them.there were 5 other kids.
I left the hospital with my sister 11 days later and home to look after my siblings.
I tried my hardest and had to give up uni for a year to make sure my sister with diabetes was settled in a good routine.
The others went feral and after almost a year I called my mum in rehab and said i couldn't do it anymore. I wanted to end my life.
My mum returned home, having had a below knee left leg amputation.
I was never allowed to forget that my mother never walked because i forced her home.
My mother was given everything she needed and help And refused it stating her kids would do it.
The one thing i could never bring myself to do was the empty the commode.
My mum had modified equipment in the bathroom but insisted on using this commide.
From that time mum's health just bounced all over the place and she was a regular at the local hospital.
I was still struggling but was told by my mother that mental health want real and i had to believe her i hag no other reference point.
I remained and fnished university but was and to this day remain petrified of teaching for fear of failing the kids.
I then came out to my mother at 26 and started seeing my now life partner.
My mum wasn't too thrilled and this extended to her giving me an ultimatum; either move out of the family home and in with the girl i was seeing our remain home and stop seeing her.
I left home. It was terrible at first but then got easier.
Mum almost died a further 5 times and last year her kidneys failed to the point where she was forced onto continuous dialysis. Luckily her kidneys kicked in and she went home.
In this time I almost died of multiple clots in both lungs (To this day they don't know why i got them).
The depressive periods were getting worse and suicidal thoughts became a comfort rather than a great.
My partner was blamed for my mental health and if i had never met her i wouldn't be on any medications.
My mum then list pay off her thumb to diabetes.
This last April, mum succumbed to everything failing And weeks before her death was diagnosed with cancer as well add heart failure, kidney failure and infections.
My mum asked me and me partner to stay with her on several occassions and do very intimate and private personal care.
She then died in the April of this year.
I have now been suspended with full pay from work because i didn't follow a direction and i believe i am example of.
No one had in any harm by any stretch of the imagination And nothing bad happened at all.
This had been for the last 3 and a half weeks and i am dying.
I have fallen into a feel and dangerous depression where i also sleep through the day and play card games on my phone endlessly at night.
I feel as though i am constantly being challenged to end it all everyday.
I have a spotless record at work and until this time was great.
This spiral is to the point where i now feel ass though it would be easier to just disappear.
I know how innocent prisoners in cells feel like. No control over their live and figure and at the mercy of everything and everyone.
Im losing the battle and want to pack a bag and drive away infinite the sunset.
I may want to know went I'm constantly being punished
I reckon i must have been someone bloody horrible last life.
