Feeling awful

Hi. This is my second post. At least now I understand how it works. I've been sat with my head in my hands, rocking, creating the universal image of a person gone mad. I either call Samaritans, because they are so non-judgemental, or I type here.

My husband works away on a minesite and has been told today he can't move to another role. He's blaming me for suggesting he stay in that role a few months ago. Then the company were firing everyone, and my hubby had to take a massive pay cut to stay. I know he needs to vent, and have someone to blame and aim that anger at, and he didn't yell, because that's not his style, but I feel so bad.

My depression is rampant in my head. I also have anxiety. When our son comes home from school and I'm 'alone' everything seems so much worse because I have to be present, whereas when he's at school I sleep. My husband doesn't understand my depression and is getting really sick of it. I try so hard not to show it, and when he's home I do do more, and generally have more 'oomph' but at the moment I'm unwell, and it's a bad time. Funny, because the bad times generally occur when he's away. God knows how he would manage me if he were here. I feel nothing but sadness, emptiness, guilt, anxiety, fear, and the constant wish to not be here. I wouldn't do it because I have a son, and parents, etc, but my life is empty. I've lost friends due to this. It's the most awful thing. I need people around me to help me be distracted. Feeling nothing but sad when in company is so much better than feeling as I do when alone.

Letting my real thoughts ramble out just now has helped a bit. Why do we have to feel this way? For all of you out there I genuinely feel for you as this is the most awful cold prison. thank you for reading.