emptyspaceCasual Contributor
Intro?
At 8 years old I was diagnosed with depression after attempting to commit suicide multiple times. I was sexually abused my whole entire life as far back as I can remember until I was 14. From 8 to 14 I drank a lot of alcohol and did a fair amount of illegal drugs. At 16 I had a miscarriage. At 17 I birthed a healthy baby girl. At 19 my childhood friend committed suicide, which absolutely gutted me. At 20 I had a partial molar pregnancy and after was diagnosed with infertility. At 21 I had a stillbirth at 22+3 weeks. At 23 I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, post traumatic stress disorder & grief reaction.. but that's not all that's happened and is still happening. When I lost my daughter it was just the beginning of medical issues for me, from low white blood cells to low red blood cells, to low b12 and an iron deficiency, to subclinical hypothyroidism, to heart issues, to crippling migraines and so so much more.
All I want is an end to the on going pain. All I want is to be normal and have normal thoughts. I am so incredibly suicidal and no coping methods are working for me, still. This is the whole reason I sought professional help to begin with because it seems like absolutely nothing is important to me anymore until it's almost too late and then the voices in my head change and keep telling me "she needs you here" "just keep breathing" "she needs you to breathe" even though moments before they were feeding me a different story. I haven't told anyone that yet. Not even my psychologist because I'm too afraid she'll intervene and I'll end up the one place I don't ever want to be, the PA mental ward, but I need the help and I just don't know what to do.
