Speaking out loud

This is not going to be a structured post. It might flip about because it's about talking out loud. Tomorrow afternoon I have my first lawyers appointment since everything happened. Court case is on the 5 November. On the 6 August the relationship ended. Now it's October. It feels too long.

Grief and really deep anger have been two of my main emotions in the last two weeks. I think I've gotten better at understanding I wasn't loved. A little better but not alot. It's really really hard to consolidate the very few times they were loving and kind to the times when they were downright cruel, hurtful and abusive towards you.

It's a terrible emotionally manipulative cruelty. It's hard to remember a time that they seemed loving and kind but then they were also viciously cruel and abusive. I'm slowly starting to not look so much at the kindness. It's getting a bit easier now because I am understanding narcissism more. All that I have learnt about it these last couple of months is like pieces of a puzzle making sense. I can name the narcissistic traits now with certain instances of abuse.

Of course you do not know you are with a narcissist when you are in it. Few victims do. It's normal to only five out after leaving a relationship. Trust me on this one, normal endings to a relationship are painful for most people, this isn't a normal ending to a relatively normal relationship. The way you feel after you have left is something that knocks you harder than you could ever think possible.

I was suicidal I think for around 8 weeks roughly. It's a long time to be feeling like that 24/7. I am so very very lucky that my only friend basically dropped her life for me and was there for me. I'm still and more than likely always will be at the kindnessz love and generosity of my friend. She stayed with me the entire time, cooked for me so I would eat, listened time when I was rambling or talking, took me out if I needed to go do things, held me when I cried and so much more. Truly if it wasn't for her, I don't think I'd be here today. If I could give medals out, I'd give her one. A simple thank you just doesn't seem to be enough.

My friend has my loyalty and heart forever. If the shoes was ever on the other foot, I'd be there for her. No questions asked.

I'm finding that I'm still confused a lot. I know I do not want to see her face. Ever. But especially not now. I do not want to hear her voice or be in the same space as her. It would be too hard in me, traumatic and I would go back downhill fast. I've asked permission to appear via audio for the final hearing. I just don't want to be near her at all, let alone the same courtroom.

I'm also finding that I can't stand going out anymore. I feel like I cannot relax. I have her licence plate memorised. The issue is that her car is such a popular one and so many people that live in thus small town have the same or a very similar car. So, imagine going out even just for a short time and seeing about 20 cars of the same make and color or similar. I look at the licence plate everytime. Also worried it is her. It's extremely exhausting and doesn't make me feel relaxed when out. I'm mostly always nervous and on edge.

Then there is the anger. I've been so angry that in my sessions I've said some pretty full on things.

I'm also just tired of the games. I just want this to stop now. I've had enough. I am not in the mood for anymore abuse, drama, games nor having my mind messed with.

I feel such a deep sense of sadness. I hate it. It's like I want to grab it and rip it out of me so it's gone. I don't want it there. I don't know how to not focus on iit all so that I can move on.

I also don't like living here. I havn't for a long time though, even before this relationship. It's getting worse, my feelings about it. I just feel like my soul is dying here and it feels so empty inside of myself some days.

I struggle immensely to know what to do. My memory has declined. There is just so much and I'm struggling. My head spins and I'm wanting/need to

slow it down to starting small. I don't know where small is because I don't even know who I am anymore. It has really all changed me alot.