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Struggling to find any peace

jsm74Senior Contributor02 Oct 2021, 11:21 pm AEST

Struggling to find any peace

I'm new to these forums, but I have to say that it is encouraging to see how much support people give each other on here. Even that by itself is helpful, as it is a reminder that there actually are caring people in the world.

I have suffered from depression and anxiety nearly all my life. I have been on every class of antidepressant as well as mood stabilizers and antipsychotics. As none of those have worked, my phsychiatrist is recommending ECT, but that will only be possible after about 3 months, so I am also applying for treatment using other procedures (TMS, DBS, or alternative medication), which (if I'm approved), could commence as early as a month from now.

The problem is that just as I was arranging all of this and feeling like I was finally making some real progress, my wife's issues reared their ugly heads. She has been diagnosed with ADHD and also suffers from anxiety, severe stress and low self-esteem (despite being the most amazing person I have ever known). We have been working on getting her treatment for some time now, but various delays, such as her discouragement after a fairly horrible experience with the first phsychiatrist she went to.

Working from home and the lockdown have triggered these problems, and these problems have, in turn, intensified the effects of the lockdown and working from home. She began to resent our apartment as well as most things connected to it, including me, and started spending every weekend at her friend's place as an escape.

I knew she was overwhelmed and incredibly stressed, so I started brainstorming ways to address that at least a bit until she could start therapy. I started giving her massages with a bit of regularity, got her a hotel room for the weekend so that she could have time alone, encouraged her to take time off work with a view to finding another job.

I've done everything I can think of, but she wants to separate. She says she still loves me but right now feels no sexual connection with me. She is by far the best thing that has ever happened to me, so I'm in hell right now. I'm struggling to eat anything at all, can't sleep, can't watch tv, read, or listen to music because they are all triggers for me right now. It took me 40 years to find her and now I'm losing her because of Covid. Just can't see how I can start over or what the point would even be. I've been fighting this fight for a long time and just when I thought I was looking at a win, everything has fallen apart. If I thought she was actually taking steps to work on her issues I would feel at least a bit of hope, but I know that she isn't, so I don't see how this can end up going anywhere other than divorce.

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In response to: Struggling to find any peace

jsm74Senior Contributor04 Oct 2021, 12:46 pm AEDT

Re: Struggling to find any peace

Thanks, I need all the positive energy I can get. My (ex?)wife will be coming home later to talk more about what she wants to do, but I'm thinking it won't be good, based on how things have gone thus far. I'm broken inside, but will still have to put on a brave face for her or things will get even worse (if that's possible). My hands are shaking uncontrolably, so it'll still be clear how shattered I am, which is a worry.

Also starting back at work this week (but still online from home). I teach at a university, but putting on my usual act of enthusiasm is exhausting enough when things are good, so I'm not sure how I'll do it this week. I'm so exhausted after 4 weeks of nearly constant panic attacks.

In response to: Struggling to find any peace

jsm74Senior Contributor05 Oct 2021, 8:12 am AEDT

Re: Struggling to find any peace

So my wife and I have talked and I can't say I gained a lot of insight into what is actually going on, but what I do now know is that when she says she still loves me (but it's different), what she actually means is that she loves the memory of me, or the position I held in her life (or something to that effect), not me. She didn't even want to kiss goodnight, despite the fact that the first thing she did when she got home yesterday was kiss me. That was pretty crushing. I know I shouldn't take it personally, as she is just feeling generally bad and isn't feeling much of anything good, but it's impossible not to feel rejected. Really not sure how to handle this, but I guess all I can do is accept it and try to avoid her without it seeming like I'm avoiding her (as I don't want her to add rejection to her already extensive list of bad feelings)?

In response to: Re: Struggling to find any peace

jsm74Senior Contributor05 Oct 2021, 10:15 am AEDT

Re: Struggling to find any peace

In this kind of situation, where her low self-esteem and anxiety are precisely the problem, does it make sense for me to end things based on the impacts on me (my self-esteem and anxiety)? I've never felt more expendible and rejected in my life, so I know this "wait and see whether I actually still love you" situation is bad for my mental health, but I feel like not only will explicitly ending things not really help me, but could also be very damaging. She also implicitly rejects any effort I make at supporting her now, so I don't know what else to do other than just leave her alone.

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