digesting bad experience

I'm really annoyed. At what I am unsure. At who... I don't know... but some of my managers come to mind.

Today was okay right up until the end, when my manager's manager made some off the cuff remark. I had to screen share for an activity we were doing (working remotely). It was not a work related activity.

At the end my manager's manager said to make sure to end screen share. Immeadiately it was followed by a comment - "We don't want to see what windows you have open on your screen... all the hard work you have been doing"

It was clearly sarcastic. I could tell by the tone. I said nothing. Didn't address it. Kept smiling but on the inside was angry. As a result, I stayed online later than the rest of them. I finished a thing i needed to do and sent out a message over the internal comms chat and said that I had updated it. This was at 5:15. Proving I can work late too. I don't even care if they have to edit it or don't like it.

I think there is a level of sexism displayed towards me at this workplace too. Something I have noticed. I don't approve of that sort of behaviour. Even comments over people's appearance.

I also noticed that some of these people I work with are and can be somewhat 2 faced.

After hearing that from my manager's manager. I made a point of raising the fact i deal with mental health issues. And that me staying onboard to meet the challenge was what I was most proud of. I prefaced it by saying that I was speaking very personally. And that the roll had taught me a lot.

This experience today echoed something I experienced at my old workplace. When I went back to a work station I had been to earlier in the year and the boss made a big thing about the fact I was there and did not like it. It was a deliberate attempt to make me feel uncomfortable. She knew that full well. It was an attempt to make a point in a childish way.

I have been tempted to think I must be easy fodder for people. I have been tempted to think that people don't like me. I have been tempted to think that maybe I rub people off the wrong way. I question myself.

Then I think too, that if any of that was the case then it would be consistent. I have people who want to vouch for me. I have people who trust me. I have friends who can talk to me.

Perhaps it is simply the case that these are instances where bad people are in places of competence, power or authority. Maybe they were once mistreated. Perhaps it is ingrained in their psyche.

I guess in the end, I just get sick of it. Naturally though, people won't believe it. Why would they? As far as they are concerned, I'm the bad guy. I'm the one who has to check my privelege? I'm the one who needs to calm down?

What happened to decency? I don't know anymore

Anyway. I needed to write about this experience.

I'm just depressed and lost these days. Don't know what to do with my life. I turn 28 next week. That actually frightens me and I don't even want to think about it as a birthday but just as "a day".

I really don't like who i am and where i am at in life right now. I feel so wasted..

I actually feel like I want to sever ties with the world and live on my own. Where I no longer need to be accepted by anyone anymore.

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