When is ENOUGH CHAOS , CRAZINESS AND FALLING APART ENOUGH ?????

SO , l have my good days and all seems well , and there are my bad days when l am giving up and feeling really hopeless and then there are my DISASTER DAYS where l am punishing myself for my support team's tackless way of dealing with me , because l am a difficult and very unwell person and its easy to agree with me rather than debate with me.

I am having a bad to a Disaster day currently where l am self harming myself AND the thoughts in my head are telling me to further the damage as l am not doing good enough !!

So l am kinda talking to a Psychologist who has said words THAT have close to pushed me over the edge . I have a partner who has done the same.

I have a GP who asks about my feelings and mental status and that annoys me to buggery.

So with all that has been happening today , yes the lockdown, l cannot deal with being stuck at home all the time.

I feel paranoid and with my meds feel like l see and hear things which arent helpful at all.

I hate going to the ER for suicide threats as l become more anxious being there and l feel like l am going to pass out.

I am a unique person as l have a range of RARE conditions and l just want ot feel normal , act normal and wish all my problems away,

I am losing faith that l can live on like this , l am losing my way and l am scared where l will end up.

I dont want a magical answer that will solve it all for me , but l dont know anymore.

I dont want to be broken anymore , l want to be saved at times but other times l dont.

I am confussed and l hate myself .