I need some advise about my boyfriends substance abuse

Hi @Bee27

This sounds like a really tough time. I want to applaud you for being very clear with your boundaries and expectations with your partner. And to acknowledge how difficult it must be seperated from them by Lockdowns.

Naturally, it must be devestating that your partner lied to you. I know sometimes when someone lies to me it can help to put myself in their shoes and wonder why they lied. I know from having been in relationships with users before they can often feel immense amounts of shame. This may be the case with your partner, especially if his use is coming from mental health difficulties.

It sounds like because your partner is willing to seek help that he really wants to make your relationship work and you are a priority in this life. So maybe, as simplistic as it sounds, continue what you're doing? Be supportive, non-judgemental and continue being clear about your expectations and boundaries. Having someone on your side when trying to change any behavior is super helpful.

Also, I noticed your newer around the Forums so I've linked you to some other threads about drug and alcohol use here that may be useful for you to read over in case you haven't seen them 🙂

All the best
- periwinklepixie

@Bee27

It's a very hard time at the moment, and i guess based on your question on you don't know if you can trust him, Well.....

Trust is built on actions..

If you love him and he is going through this tough time, he will want your support and having difficult situations where he feels like he is letting you down is going to probably weigh on him.

I am not sure what kind of person you are, but being young and in love, you could try to turn this into a game. Just like housework, if you can make it fun to get off the drugs, then it is more like to happen and stick. This is just a thought, but do you think your relationship can survive and do you think you could make getting off the bad stuff more than him staying on it?

What do you think?

Thank you for the advice.

I hope our relationship can survive this. He is trying, he saw a doctor yesterday who is going to refer him to someone to talk too. I'm trying to be supportive but it is hard, especially when I do feel hurt and let down. I am also trying to understand because I have never been through anything like this before, I have never done drugs and I hardly ever drink. I have anxiety but I have never had depression before.

I like your comment @AussieRecharger regarding trust being built on actions. How do you start to build that trust back?
Also do you have any suggestions regarding how to make getting off drugs more fun? I feel like I am a little out of my depth here.

Thank you both @Former-Member and @AussieRecharger for replying

My truthful advice is, if he is causing you stress and trauma, maybe you should not consider him your boyfriend for your own peace of mind.

Hey @Bee27

It is the things like buying a cookbook and learning how to cook different recipes you like together.. playing board games such as cards against humanity, building a garden together, and of course, you can make all this more fun with teasing and naughty whispers.

It's time together and the time you make for each other that will be fun. I know it's harder in lockdown. If he is not engaging or if spending time with you seems more like a chore than fun, then his actions are clearly saying something.

@Bee27

Speaking from a recovered addict experience and point of view, I lied and did things at times. There were a few reasons, I didn't care, I wanted what I wanted and it was there. I went to work high sometimes. I stole sometimes to feed my own drug habits. Lying is part of the territory.

I have also been in the receiving end of being lied to, like your current situation. I understand how trust has been broken for you. It takes time to deal with the hurt of that. Building trust if you are to stay together is vital. When you are ready, think of ways you would like to build trust, what would you need from him to start building trust again?

As for Coke. Yeah that us the rich man's drug they call it. Coke doesn't last long in the system and its an expensive drug. Thankfully he chose to get off the ice. It shows me that if he can do that, then be us capable and willing to get off Coke. The fact that he has followed through on seeing a doctor is a good step.

The thing with addiction though is it is something you need to beat. It is a long process. I can suggest doing some research on Narcotics Anonymous. You might find some useful info there. Also, if you are going to support your boyfriend, make sure you support yourself and have support too.

I hope this has been helpful.

Wishing you and your boyfriend well.

PF

Thank you @Powderfinger for sharing your insights from both sides. I think it is very important to understand both.

@Bee27 , I also acknowledge the difficulties lockdown brings, and not being able to see and spend time with a loved one does eventually take its toll. I'm am so glad you reached out here so that other forum members can share their experiences.

I encourage you to keep reaching out as you, yourself, deserve care and support too. Do you have family support or supports from friends?

@BPDSurvivor

Thank you. Yes it is important.

I do have lots of support around me, my family are very supportive and I also have a a psychologist that I have booked an appointment for next week.

With lockdown ending he was able to come back home on the weekend, we spent a lot of time talking over things. We also went and talked to his mum, which I think was a very positive step.
We also took some time away from the situation to do something fun together.

He is so far been showing me how much he wants to change and opening up more about his past. I think we have a long way to go with rebuilding that trust, but we are both willing to try. I have also come to realise that because I have never been exposed to drugs/substance abuse, my view could be somewhat narrow and I need to work on understanding why he turns to substances. He also admitted that this is something he needs to explore because he doesn't fully understand why he turns to alcohol and drugs when things are stressful or not going in his favour.

Thanks everyone for the advise and thoughts.

I hate to say it but you need to end the relationship. It won't get any better. Give him information through post about places he can go for help Drug and Alcohol for starters but don't ruin your life because he is ruining his. He needs help and you are not the one to give it he need professional help. I know a person who got addicted to alcohol when in his 20s and at 70 years old it dominates his life and memory. He can't be taken anywhere he is embarressing and people other than me won't talk to him. He is a lifelong friend so I care but I care from a distance. Your man is putting his addiction before you which means you will always take second place or further down the pecking order.

Sorry to sound harsh but that is the way it goes tell him he needs professional help and if he thinks anything of you and your relationship with him he will do something about it. admission to detox would be a good way to go.