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My mother’s mental health has deteriorated. I need help

Carer5Casual Contributor01 Sept 2021, 8:32 am AEST

My mother’s mental health has deteriorated. I need help

I am a carer for my mother who has diagnosed mental health and mobility issues. My mother was also diagnosed with confirmed breast cancer approximately 12 months ago but has refused treatment and states that "God has healed me" but then also contradicts herself sometimes stating that "I don't want treatment, I'm better off dead". She has also directly blamed me stating that "it's because you wont be able to care for me after the servers". Her surgeon has written and addressed a two page letter to me requested that I persuad her to concent to treatment urgently.

In the past few months months my mother's mental health has become worse to the point now that she has not left the house for several weeks, she goes days without bathing and literally just sits in front of the TV. Her nutrition is a concern. Her eating habits are now just whatever junk food she can put her hands on and 2 minute noodles. is She has started to become aggressive and yelling banging on my door and bursting into my room (as I was getting dressed) and physically aggressive to the point that I had to use an extended open hand to stop her from physically forcing herself onto me as she was yelling. Now she has called the police and said that she has been pushed. I am fearful to re-enter the home as a result. I now need outside assistance and I do not know what to do or who to approach for help.

4 replies

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In response to: My mother’s mental health has deteriorated. I need help

MIFANTCARERSenior Contributor01 Sept 2021, 10:45 am AEST

Re: My mother’s mental health has deteriorated. I need help

Good morning @Carer5

I am sorry for what is happening to you. It must be really hard to see your mum this way.

I have the same experience from both my mother and father. My dad has frontal lobe vascular dementia and when it started to show he was very agressive and had no empathy .. still has no empathy.. While my mum is diagnosed with Lewy body alzheimer and she is not eating well or even drinking (hydrating)..

Im still processing how to deal with both parents and raising my 1.5 year old son as a single mother. My advice to you is take it slow.. take you little wins and allow for the big loss. What I mean by this is if she only wants to eat junk food allow it but gradually dont buy junk food or bring junk food into the home. Try to start gaining her trust by talking to her not telling her what to do... it is hard not to be critical and pestering (trust me I know). i have learnt to communicate with them differently like instead "Did you stay home all day?" try "Mum theres free sausage sizzle in the park. Im going but I dont want to go alone, can you come with me please?" if she says no dont worry try to call someone else to come with you.. you can do another step where you call that someone to come with you and they say no.. be upset and ask her if she really cant come with you..

My Counsellor always tell me to change my wordings to that you need her to come so then they have a purpose. Even going to the doctors. I first arrange with the doctor that you are bringing your mum but its for you.. Make various appointments until she wants to go for herself. make a Stress Management plan for yourself with the GP so she knows that you are having issues and maybe she should have an Stress management plan too. Always put it to you needing it so you can understand her better and eventually she will see your trying your best and maybe she needs to seek help too. I hope this makes sense.

To start gaining help you need to gain her trust to go to the GP and seek a mental health plan for her, then from there the Counsellor can refer services for her. If she is loosing memory then the GP can refer her to memory clinic (Dementia Australia). It all starts with the GP.. just getting her there is the battle.

I m still struggling but there are changes and I have accepted that this is how it is now. I have let go on my parents being the way they were to this is them now.

I hope this helps.. be kind to yourself and please take care! From the two years of my caring I have gained weight, suffer from fatigue and my body nearly shut down.. it very tough but you need to put yourself first too and remember it is not bad for you to walk away sometimes and come back when your ready. xxx

In response to: My mother’s mental health has deteriorated. I need help

Owen45Senior Contributor04 Sept 2021, 11:58 am AEST

Re: My mother’s mental health has deteriorated. I need help

I went through this with situation with my dementia-stricken mother a few years back, her mental health and mobility suddenly declined, so much stress and trauma in caring for her, in and out of nursing homes. I can identify with your situation.

In response to: My mother’s mental health has deteriorated. I need help

Unknown userMember07 Sept 2021, 12:53 pm AEST

Re: My mother’s mental health has deteriorated. I need help

Hey @Carer5

Just wanted to check in as things seemed like they were getting a bit much when you last posted?

Sometimes looking after someone else can take a toll on our own mental health as well. Which can be a bit of a cycle as it is difficult to pour from an empty cup. If you haven't already I recomend checking out the section of the Forums where Carers, Friends and Support People share ideas for self-care? I've linked it here for you. 🙂

All the best,
- periwinklepixie

In response to: My mother’s mental health has deteriorated. I need help

pinklollipop15Senior Contributor20 Sept 2021, 2:42 pm AEST

Re: My mother’s mental health has deteriorated. I need help

Hi @Carer5 I am in a similar situation.
My mother is on dialysis and has heart issues and sits on the lounge all day as she is in pain sometimes and feels exhausted from just walking down the hallway. She is negative nearly every time she opens her mouth and it gets to me. I also live with my daughter. She isn't abusive except for the constant negativity and doesn't answer sometimes when I speak so I'm guessing thats the deafness that she is refusing to acknowlesge. She showers very rarely I would say once a month if that and has since before she was ill been this way. She is too young she says to be able to access social or other supports and so I feel trapped. I have spoken to the GP about her lack of showering and negativity but he did not say much. I spent a lot of the time holding my tongue and as my mum and I both don't work its hard to find someone else. I have tried talking to people about the abuse to try and get out of here but noone listens. I get at my wits end about once a week and I just dont know what to do. I try to remember she is feeling in pain and probably anger and frustration about the whole situation but she also doesnt seem to want to get external help and doesn't contact friends or family only if they ring her. Her mind is a bit dotty I say something and she looks at me with an expression of I don't understand what you said or she speaks in a tone of frustration all the time. I don't know what to do either.

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