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Just checking in,

BPTrivicalBPDContributor24 Aug 2021, 6:00 pm AEST

Just checking in,

Been some what stable for a few months now. But beginning to become aware more of some side affects of my medication. Some good some not so good.

I feel like I can see the world for what it is now. during manic ep I honestly thought I was upcoming, something rare and unique and just absolutely the best at anything I did. In my lows I knew all of it was fake and I was worthless.

I don't think so black and white since stabilising on the medication but the reality check I have got from being stable is brutal and I miss the feeling of manic. So much so I question the need for the medication, this week I have become a bit paranoid that the medication is doing more harm than good. It's only when I ask if the medication is actually working do family tell me it is.

I ve gained a ton of wieght, usually wieght gain would trigger me into a spiral of depression but I don't really care how big I am but at the same time too scared of being triggered to hop on the scales. I think I don't care because of the medication, I don't feel like I care or feel much of anything.

Not feeling is nice, considering I didn't realise my head could ever be quiet until starting my meds, I never realised I could let go of anything that would upset me to the point of rage and blackout. I feel almost in control or have a chance to reason with myself when triggered, but I also care little about anything or anyone, no libido, no feeling of intense joy like before, emotions flow I can identify them but I don't feel them I used to.

I feel like the high of manic made the world bright made me bright and now its lost its sparkle, but I also don't rage for days or weeks, I don't get paralysed in bed for weeks and im more predictable for my family.

Thanks for listening

7 replies

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In response to: Just checking in,

NatureLoverSenior Contributor25 Aug 2021, 7:48 am AEST

Re: Just checking in,

Hi @BPTrivicalBPD , it sounds like you have good insight into what's going on for you at the moment.

@BPTrivicalBPD wrote:
Not feeling is nice, considering I didn't realise my head could ever be quiet until starting my meds, I never realised I could let go of anything that would upset me to the point of rage and blackout. I feel almost in control or have a chance to reason with myself when triggered

This sounds good to me (I value stability). I can hear however that you miss the highs.

Wishing you all the best.

In response to: Re: Just checking in,

SJT63Senior Contributor25 Aug 2021, 8:52 am AEST

Re: Just checking in,

@BPTrivicalBPD

hello.... I live with a guy who does what you do - gets triggered and rages uncontrolably for days at a time - or takes to his bed and can't even leave the room to eat or bathe.....

I believe that in time, as you become more stable and your brain chemistry settles you will still "feel". We had a change of meds at our place earlier this year and his cycles have settled down again, but he does still cycle.

The peaks and troughs are very recognisable to me because I observe him every day but to the outside world he doesn't come across as completely unhinged any more. He definitely feels, and feels very deeply; or gets motivated by a task and cannot stop until he has achieved it to perfection.... but not now to the point where other aspects of his life (health, finances, me) have to suffer the consequences.

You said "have a chance to reason with myself when triggered".. and that is the big difference. Now that my partner finally has his meds sorted he's been able to develop a technique to quell the fury by distracting himself with another task until it passes. The ability to recognise and acknowledge that his thoughts are getting out of control has been an enormous gift to our family.

Anyway, I know a lot of people miss the highs, and go off their meds.... but the consequences can be far reaching and very damaging so I would encourage you to give it some more time to see if peaks and troughs return at a managable level, even if they seem to have disappeared completely right now.

Much love, much luck

S x

In response to: Re: Just checking in,

BPTrivicalBPDContributor25 Aug 2021, 10:03 am AEST

Re: Just checking in,

I do, in some ways I believed the symptoms were my personality. And now learning the new normal.
Thanks for your positive words.

In response to: Re: Just checking in,

BPTrivicalBPDContributor25 Aug 2021, 10:05 am AEST

Re: Just checking in,

Thank you, I needed to hear this.

I will keep going

In response to: Just checking in,

Owen45Senior Contributor25 Aug 2021, 10:28 am AEST

Re: Just checking in,

Thanks for sharing your experience about medications. I can identify, years of experience adjusting to new medications and side effects.

In response to: Re: Just checking in,

DimitySenior Contributor25 Aug 2021, 2:46 pm AEST

Re: Just checking in,

Hi @BPTrivicalBPD @Owen45

I hope you're finding the forums helpful. You might be interested in the 'talking about bipolar' thread sharing with others living with bipolar disorder. I'll try to tag you into the discussion there.

@Shaz51 @HenryX

Best wishes

Dimity

In response to: Re: Just checking in,

Owen45Senior Contributor25 Aug 2021, 8:10 pm AEST

Re: Just checking in,

Yes thanks, excellent forums to hear others testimony and share mental health issues experiences. Hope we can learn from each other.

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