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Confused

1985Casual Contributor24 Aug 2021, 3:36 pm AEST

Confused

There is so much going on i really don't know how to put it into words.

Head is spinning. Feel like nothing is making sense.

I hate being able to hear their voices, feel their touches and smell them. I don't know how to stop that. It scares me, that i keep reliving the past.

I don't like feeling guilty. I hate feeling as though it was my fault. That the clothes i wore, the way i acted; even the words i spoke caused it to happen. I feel as though the sexual abuse and the rape was my fault - that i did something to make it happen. Maybe i gave of vibes saying that i wanted it. I don't know.

I feel betrayed by those around me at the time. No one protected me. No one believed me. No one took notice until the authorities got involved. That will always play on my mind. It took DoCs and the police to make them sit up and take notice of what was happening.

Feel ashamed, dirty, embarrassed, confused, pathetic, crazy.

Hate the flashbacks.

Hate feeling as though i can't give cam what he wants becuase I'm to scared to let him touch me.

Its doing my head in 😔

3 replies

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In response to: Confused

Unknown userMember24 Aug 2021, 3:58 pm AEST

Re: Confused

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling this way @1985

I really relate to a lot of what you are saying. I too, am a survivor, and it is often such a difficult road we walk.

Something that has helped me with some of the big emotions you are describing and the negative self talk is asking myself 'If a friend was in the same situation, would I say this to them?'

I dont think any of us would say to our friends who were survivors that it was their fault or that they should feel shame. We need to be kinder to ourselves and show ourselves more compassion. And I know it is hard.

I also know how diffiuclt it is to not be believed by those closest to us. And I want you to know that I beieve you.

Holding space for you

- periwinklepixie

In response to: Confused

BPTrivicalBPDContributor24 Aug 2021, 6:16 pm AEST

Re: Confused

Hey 1985,

I can relate to what you are experiencing.

I wasn't believed, listen to or heard as well. I unfortunately never got heard, and now have to fix what has been broken within me.

The voices, feelings of disgust and guilt haunted me for years, decades even. I have only just been given small peace through therapy and a doctor who listen to me.

Healing is a marathon, but support is out there. Wishing you well on your healing journey.

You are strong

You are worthy

In response to: Confused

NatureLoverSenior Contributor25 Aug 2021, 7:54 am AEST

Re: Confused

Hi and welcome, @1985 . I'm sorry you've suffered abuse and trauma. 😞

I'm wondering if you have a counsellor /psychologist? I know that therapy has really helped me to move on from my childhood trauma. Not that it will ever be fully healed, it's too deep, but enough so that I can get on with my life.

A handy forum tip is if you type @ and then click on a name in the drop-down box, that person will get a notification and won't miss your reply.

I hope you find the forums an encouraging place.

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