Frightened of myself

I know lot sounds so strange to be frightened of myself. I'm turning 42 in just over a month. I have a deep knowing that's it's time to sit with the pain I have had inside of me for such a long time and to heal it. It's not an idea in my brain, it's my soul speaking to me. I strongly feel to write. Writing is so cathartic. Funnily enough that is what I do for a living.

Sometimes we don't know the teams we feel this inner prompting, intuition we call it, but when it is strong I have learnt to listen to it. I'm listening and I feel in my body it is right.

In saying all this I'm scared. There is some really full on stuff there that is really hard to even talk about, let alone acknowledge. Some things I wouldn't even beging to know how to deal with. One of them is to the horrific religious abuse I endured from both parents and then later different religious groups. To this day I cannot do a lot of things relatiing to religion. I run a mile when a Christian comes near me and getting into fight mode when I hear a bunch of stuff that reminds me of the abuse. The thing is I really don't want to be this person anymore. I don't want to feel the pain of the past. I think though I know where to go get help to finally deal with what happened. I have been carrying this for way too long and it is a heavy burden I don't want to carry anymore. I deserve to be free from all of that.

I'm also currently dealing with hang left an abusive relationship and the law is now involved. I am fully aware my life is a mess. I feel completely overwhelmed with it all. It's like gosh where do I even begin. Between commitments, responsibilities and all of this I am never sure how to manage and cope on a daily basis right now. I have not built up my strength, I'm worried about my health and I know I need to take care of myself. Having no real friends not any family makes it even harder.

PF