Frightened of myself

Hi @Powderfinger ,

I hear your fear around unpacking trauma and pain. It's a confronting and emotionally draining process that I've previously struggled with myself, but putting in the work with professional guidance was so worth it. I felt stronger and free. I saw that you mentioned that you might know where to go to get help, but I thought I would just mention that we have counsellors here at the SANE help centre that you can talk to as well if you ever need that extra day to day support.

Here with you on your healing journey

from cloudcore

@cloudcore

Thank you for sharing and letting me know also about Sane counsellors. I will add that to my support team I am building. At the moment my mental health is completely unstable. It's really very bad for me. I am seeing my doctor next Tuesday and getting a referral and mental health care plan for a three month suicide program. If it needs to be extended it can be. That is my first priority. Being extremely unstable is so frightening, confusing and frustrating.

Bear in mind though I have not long left a same sex DV relationship and am also in the midst of having to go to court on top of it all. I have my support worker going to court with me tomorrow and a counselling session with my DV worker this afternoon. Yeah I'm proud of what I put in place for myself, though it doesn't mean I can feel that pride. It's just really a means of trying to survive. I do feel like breaking down every second of every day. This all happening had come with many prices to me.

PF

Hi @Powderfinger ,

I'm so sorry to hear about the stressful circumstances you're currently in, managing your mental health, and suicidal thoughts, whilst also engaging in court proceedings sounds really difficult. Its understandable that you're feeling frightened, confused and frustrated. When I was managing suicidal thoughts, the best I could do was take it hour by hour, and here I am today. I can see that you're doing the best that you can in your situation and whilst you're not feeling that pride yourself, I am proud of you for taking the neccessary steps to get support and hanging on.

What do you think you can do to cope outside of your counselling sessions until you see your doctor on Tuesday?

from cloudcore

@Powderfinger

Your struggles at the moment are serious, but you also have a deep way of expressing yourself that I believe will help you harness your strength to get through these times.

You probably know all about Erickson but I often go back over core concepts at different stages of my life and see them through the lens of more experience.

https://exploringyourmind.com/eriksons-stages-of-life-theory/

The last 2 seem relevant:

Generativity vs Stagnation

Integrity vs Despair

Take Care mate

Apple

Thanks for sharing this.

Hi @Powderfinger

Thank you for your post. I am so thankful that you are sharing your journey of healing and the problems you are facing. It is amazing how you are keeping it together and finding your way through this journey and dealing with your current situation I think your frightened of yourself because you are doing an amazing job! I think this is the start of you empowering yourself and allowing yourself to heal.

There is always blocks that you will face when your finding yourself and healing yourself. Sometimes it feels like you take one step forward and 10 steps back. But always look at that one step and allow to heal from the 10 steps back.

When I am tensed and have regressed anxiety I start my tapping (emotional freedom therapy) where I connect to myself and tap my insecurities away. Tapping helps you reconnect to yourself and allow you to heal yourself.

Good luck on your court case and talking to your GP.. Keep going and your doing an amazing job!

My friend always says your amazeballs!! If you like you can use it.. its funny, silly but true!! Amazeballs

Keep safe.. and be happy xx

@MIFANTCARER

I read your post and it reached parts of me it needed to reach and perhaps I was ready to hear. I think Imfrightened of myself because of the things that come up inside of me and they feel overwhelmingly confusing, sad, emotional, painful, complex and there is so much anger. That's trauma and I have literally had a lifetime of it up until my age now. Sometimes I have to just make myself numb because it's too much to cope with. The ugly thing about trauma is one can't move forward until they deal with the trauma. Complex trauma is even worse than just one single traumatic event. I also wish people had a much better understanding around PTSD and C-PTSD. There is a difference. I think I might need a permanent psychiatrist and psychologist. Not just my GP. Psychologist I'm taking care of, psychiatrist, not yet.

I feel you are correct though. It resonated with me deeply. I'm trying to heal and heal deeply this time. I'm not sure what bought this deep knowing and desire to heal this time around, but it's happened.

I've been sober and clean for four years now. Had a few relapses before that. I have not relapsed in four years now. If I was going to it would have happened by now. I may have thoughts to do it. I do know that it us my brain saying it will make everything go away and you won't feel anything if you get drunk or if you use. I know better now. I'm no longer addicted to drugs or alcohol. The taste for it and the desire to be completely off my face should I say is no longer there. It didn't help me at all in my time of being an addict and alcoholic, it's not going to help me now either.

I look.back sometimes at who I was then. My addictions were serious. I wouldnt be alive today if I had kept going. I truly feel that. I don't ever want to go back there again. I never got therapy at all nor did I go to any sort of rehab. Not even any of my family knew. I beat my addictions on my own. I didn't know I could get help or ask for help. It wasn't what I knew or was used to. In hindsight maybe if I did know I would have sought help. Que sera sera as they say.

Thank you. I might use Amazeballs. See how I go.

PF

I'm not a religious person @Powderfinger & not into Buddhism per se but when I was 19 I really got into Insight Meditation & Mindfulness after reading a book called A Path With Heart, by Jack Kornfield. Its not the time to start something new right now while you are in crisis, you just have to hang on to dear life, and hope that the scenery changes soon. Just the basics are enough pressure on you.

But with practice I really learnt to be with my emotions, and they became less scary as I built confidence in being able to cope with what was inside. It's no walk in the park though, some people have pleasant feelings come up when they first begin meditation practice, but for me I experienced all the anger I had never allowed myself to feel, which was overwhelming. I really like Jon Kabat-Zinn too, he has YouTube videos etc. Some meditation teachers often say the phrase, "let it go", when it comes to emotion, but I much prefer Jon's approach of "let it be", if you just let it be how it is without fighting it, in time it starts to move or transform on its own....

But I don't think that it is any one thing that will help you recover. It will be the synergy of about a dozen things. As you said, if you can afford it, or access concessions, a Psychiatrist, Clinical-Psychologist etc would be great, then there is nutrition and exercise, maybe medication if it is appropriate for you.....but social connection is probably the most important. Which is a tough ask when you have been in DV. I live like a troll. I understand how it can break your spirit. On top of that a heartbreak can feel so humiliating if there were lots of lies and deception involved.

I've never had an addiction so I can't appreciate how hard it would be to break one and not to relapse. I think that is one positive outcome of my severe anxiety disorder, seeing people off their face viscerally made me feel 3 years old again, and reminded me of my poor Mum, unmedicated and catatonic with Schizophrenia, isolated in regional Australia on our own and no support, it goes straight to my core childhood trauma. But people I have met in life that have had an addiction, said that the social side of it is the hardest to break, because your friends want you to stay addicted. Maybe you will have to split up with some friends too.....

Its a tough road you're on, but you can build a life for yourself away from abuse and harm. Corny

@Corny

I can appreciate that you prefer to sit with let it be, rather than let it go. I feel the same. I tried meditation numerous times and it just wasn't a good fit for me. Nothing ventured, nothing gained huh.

My meditation style to sit and let be whatever emotion it is just be is either being in nature or sitting in my room. I love nature. To me it is so appropriate. Nature doesn't ask if it can be this or that, it just is. It helps me to just be what is and Inna beautiful environment. I'm so thankful for nature. I feel it is truly underestimated.

Right now it is much too early in the stages of having left to know everything I'm going to need. My mind is definitely not functioning on all cylinders. Trying to think too much creates an enormous amount of stress for me. It's going to take time with my mind, definitely.

As for addictions. I let go of friends and the lifestyle a long time ago now. Almost 10 years. It was very hard. I'm still in recovery from addiction. My addictions were long standing and unless someone has had the experience, it us hard for others to understand how long it actually takes to do the work.

Thanks for posting corny.

PF

@Appleblossom

I actually did not know Erickson. I read the last two stages of life you mentioned. At this point I cannot relate to it. Not that it has no merit, I just feel I cannot apply this to my life right now. Thank you for sharing it though.

You are right in saying I am a very deep person. 90% of people who have come into my life whether short term or long term, have not appreciated this part of me. I was very deep as a child too. Unfortunately, I did not have parents who even raised me. I feel strongly that I raised myself really. They were around, just were not capable of raising children. Hence, this part of me was never nurtured nor understood. No one to guide me through life. This part of me completeley unrecognised. Just followed on into my adulthood. So, accepting and recongnising this part of me is really hard and at times I dod have a love/hate relationship of this part of me. I feel sad about it for many reasons. I wish it was more appreciated instead of the terrible abuse I have endured.

PF