👥 BOUNDARIES: Week long discussion 👥

I think a trigger warning in the title of this thread is a good idea, as @Sophia1 has suggested. It is not always possible to predict how the content of a thread will unfold, and I think it was like that in this case.

I have virtually a no-contact boundary on my ex @cloudcore. At the moment we are only interacting through lawyers. One of the greatest difficulties in a hidden, coercive abuse situation is that it can be almost impossible to prove, and traumatic to even try, but where there is a child or dependent adult involved you are expected to be very adult around that person and together with your ex get on with the shared business of the care of the vulnerable individual. If it comes across that you are lashing out at your former partner and maligning them, the legal system may choose to remove the vulnerable one from both of you ...... it's a terrible double-bind.

I have confidence in truth making itself known though, so as difficult as it is to deal at this level, I have to keep as strong boundaries as the situation will allow, and wait for the outcomes. It will gradually become apparent that only one of the parents is playing by the rules, and the other will create whatever impression they think will get them what they want. When your boundaries are genuine and a natural extension of you, then there is a natural consistency to the way you respond in any given situation.

Hi,

Like many other contributors time alone is one of my boundaries.

I try to keep explanations to other people as to why very simple. My standard line is I need a quiet night/afternoon/time in order to make it about what I need rather than a rejection of spending time with other people.

As someone with bipolar disorder, maintaining my sleep schedule is also a boundary. Part of this is I don't answer or respond to mobile after 9pm so that I can wind down before bed.

1. Think of someone who has helped shape who you are. What has this person taught you about boundaries, whether intentionally or unintentionally?
My Mum taught me to "Keep on keeping on"

her best quote has always been " It will pass" , to be kind

my husband has taught me " saying less is the best "

2. Are there specific areas of your life you need to set boundaries for? How do you know if you need to establish boundaries?

keeping boundaries open with different members , extented family , step children`s family

my step children`s ex's who still ring or text

negative in laws !!!!!

being kind and considerate

sometimes i find it hard to saying less is best --- wanting to say more and have bitten my toungue lots of times over the years

I have learnt that there are other way to help, stay out of , walking away

Hi Corny

You make a great point re boundaries with regard to NDIS I learnt the hard way to keep a very professional relationship with my ndis workers after my ndis cleaner spent an hour and 20 minutes of her 2 allotted hours debriefing about the problems with her partner involving many instances of dv. I felt extremely triggered, and afterwards didn't want to spend time in my home. My psychologist agreed it was inappropriate and advised me to get my care coordinator to sack her.
A good lesson for me in the value of my own boundaries.
All the best

@cloudcore

1. Think of someone who has helped shape who you are. What has this person taught you about boundaries, whether intentionally or unintentionally?

Actually, this really applies to a whole heap of people who 'shaped who I am';

Self-confidance - more specifically the fact that I can't stand it, and I certainly have no wish to ever embody it.

During some of the more pivotal periods in my life, I've been beset with self-confidant people and they invariably have a disastrous impact upon my life. People who inflict themselves upon you against your wishes; make demands upon you because what they want is all that matters; then trash your name all over town because you've failed to perform their tasks up to a standard they never even bothered to clarify for you.

Way too many people out there believe they are god's gift to the world and that you ought to be gushingly grateful for the fact that they see fit to inflict themselves upon you. The truth is that your lucky to see the end of them.

To be perfectly honest, I no longer understand why news shows insist on branding random fatalities as "tragedies" - because when I think about all the people I've had to endure in my life, it makes a rather compelling argument that people are moreover burdens that we a lucky to be liberated from, rather then assets that enrich our lives. Why? Because their mostly all so self-confidant, they don't care about how much they drag the world around them down.

That's why I do my damnedest not to be self-confidant myself. Most people are already too burdened by self-confidant people they know themselves. I don't want to add to that suffering. I want to counter-act it. I want to be an asset to peoples' lives. I want to be a servant who enriches their existances, rather then another demanding tax imposed upon them.

2. Are there specific areas of your life you need to set boundaries for? How do you know if you need to establish boundaries?

Probably.

I probably need to get people to state more explictly what they want from me when requests are made upon me, and how I will be rewarded for successfully completing their tasks.

It would also be nice if I could get people to stop badmouthing me for not living up to expectations that they never even clarified to begin with; and also had some way of insuring that the expectations imposed upon me were both reasonable and fair.

That's all I can think of for now.

Boundaries so important when dealing with and managing mental health issues.

Sending you encouragement and support @Powderfinger . I understand why you might feel angry with yourself but it's not your fault. It's unfortunately all too easy to make excuses for someone we care about and minimise the harm they are doing. It has happened to me before. It can happen to any of us. You deserve to give yourself as much compassion and understanding as you would give to any of your friends in a similar situation.

That sounds difficult @chibam , well, it sounds difficult to me anyway. I'm coming from a perspective of not having many or any boundaries in the past... I would say you belong here as much as anyone else!

Hi @Kermit , I have bipolar as well.

That's a good boundary around sleep and mobile phone use. I'm going to give that one some thought for my own life. I also have a boundary related to bipolar about how many activities I commit to in one day, (eg. I would rarely do more than one social activity in one day, even if it's short). It seems to help keep me steady and help me manage my emotions better. But sometimes I wonder if I'm limiting myself more than necessary. It's always a balancing act!

Take care

@cloudcore

Thanks for expanding about your boundaries. Taking the topic of parents and exes, of course yes it is difficult in different ways with the difference in the relationships. With my dad, eventually I cut him completely from my life. I havn't seen nor spoken to him in a long time now. I grieved that loss for quite a few years. I've mostly made peace with that now. He has never tried to find me or get in touch with me. All I have us memories of him clearly displaying that he did not want me around. It took me a long time to get to the point where I can say to myself it says more about him than it does about me. I blamed myself for about 20 years.

In 2019, I cut my mum out of my life completely. I never saw that day coming ever. I never expected to do it with another parent. I still have a lot to work through regarding that. The day I cut her from my life was one of the worst and excruciating times in my life. I was in so much pain. I did it via email. I never got a response and she hasn't contacted me since.

My father I have let go of completely. I'm not sure about my mother yet. Still so much work to do.

I've only remained friends with one ex. It isn't actually easy to do. I've never tried before so it's a while new ballgame. Boundaries are really important. It hadn't been easy, however we are still friends. If she met someone else and was happy, I'd be happy for her. I wouldn't stand in the way of her new relationship. I'd still hope we could hang out though now and then.

Exes are difficult though. I think it's up the individual and the circumstances at the time. Ultimately though with abusive exes rigid boundaries is the best course of action it seems.

I'm glad you shared about your work situation and boundaries with friends. I think from what you have said, I need to look at my own boundaries regarding my own work and the requests I get sometimes. Thanks for the pointers.

PF