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I have read up that BPD never goes away and it makes me want to end it

TayymarieCasual Contributor19 Aug 2021, 11:23 pm AEST

I have read up that BPD never goes away and it makes me want to end it

I feel as though i won't live to be old, I can't see into my future past a certain point(for some reason 24 always) and I'm ok with that, I mean I do talk about what I would like to do in the far future but it feels like I'm just telling my brain what normal people do in life. I am always overwhelmed, I have way too many thoughts and things to do and I can't focus completely on one. I never finish anything(including my thoughts), but at the same time get extremely frustrated with feeling/being incomplete. I feel like I don't exist, like I'm just some hollow being that is controlled by something/someone else and I don't think I really feel emotion most of the time, it's like I'm just playing a role acting to a script because I know that's how or what you're meant to do in life. But when I do feel emotion it's anger, hatred or disgust, when I appear "happy" it's more of a manic state and I know that I would be really annoying to everyone else but I can't help it or control it. I've always felt so insignificant as far as I can remember and always look to follow or get told what to do because without that I'm truely lost, I am not a person, I am just this thing that needs to be told what to do. I'm not sad. I'm just empty.
I feel like everything is against me or doing me wrong and take every little thing as if it were about me.

I look in the mirror and don't recognise myself, my face changes every day but no one else says they see it. Sometimes when I freeze and I can see my face start to morph, or when I look at other people there faces change into evil and when I get scared and yell or say something their faces go back to normal.

i feel like I can read peoples thoughts and I convince myself that I'm correct and either get really angry or just shut off.

i cant remember EVER feeling "alive" the only time I did is when I used to punch my head that hard to make it stop to stop feeling so overwhelmed, now that I don't do that anymore I can't make it stop.
it used to be the good and the bad but lately it's all bad even tho to outsiders my life is fine.
I don't wanna think like this anymore. I just want my brain to think how normal people do. The sad part is I'm quiet intelligent and understand that my thoughts are irrational but it never stops them from happening.

i cant deal with how my mind functions, I'm sick of being overwhelmed, I'm sick of snapping and being angry, I just want to be normal and ready that BPD never goes away you just learn to live with it really makes me want to save myself a lifetime of horror. It's agonising, I can't imagine a whole long lifetime of a thought process like this, I would much prefer physical pain over it because let me tell you this hurts way more. Why can't I be happy?
if childhood traumas never happened maybe I would of had a fighting chance I could of had a beautiful mind but this is ruining it. If it never goes away just gets more "manageable" then what's the point in even trying to live?

10 replies

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In response to: I have read up that BPD never goes away and it makes me want to end it

ArizonaSenior Contributor20 Aug 2021, 1:00 am AEST

Re: I have read up that BPD never goes away and it makes me want to end it

Hi @Tayymarie

It's getting late and I was just about to go to bed. I just wanted to say hi and welcome you to the forums.

I hear what you're saying. Myself and many people here have experienced/are experiencing what you're going through.

Can I say this (and I hope I don't sound like I'm invalidating your experience)? You sound young (under 24) and you have your whole life ahead of you. You can do anything you want. I'm 50 and I would love to be under 24.

I will come back tomorrow and reply properly. Goodnight and take care ❤🌠

In response to: I have read up that BPD never goes away and it makes me want to end it

NatureLoverSenior Contributor20 Aug 2021, 6:35 am AEST

Re: I have read up that BPD never goes away and it makes me want to end it

Hi and welcome, @Tayymarie , it's good you've joined, where people can understand what you're going through.

I can really feel your frustration and sorrow about your BPD, and I'm sorry you feel you want to end it. I want to encourage you that learning to manage MIs (mental illnesses) you can still enjoy life.

Can I ask if you have any professional support for your BPD? Maybe a psychologist /counsellor /psychiatrist?

I don't have BPD myself, so I will call on @BPDSurvivor for some help.

You can also type BPD into the search bar for more threads on it. And a handy forum tip is if you type @ and then click on a name in the drop-down box, that person will get a notification and won't miss your reply.

I hope you find the forums a supportive place.

In response to: Re: I have read up that BPD never goes away and it makes me want to end it

BPDSurvivorSenior Contributor20 Aug 2021, 9:19 am AEST

Re: I have read up that BPD never goes away and it makes me want to end it

Hi @Tayymarie ,

Welcome! Thank you for sharing. It certainly sounds like you are in a challenging place.

Rest assured, I want you to know BPD is not a life sentence. However, a lot of hard work is needed to make mindset changes.

I was diagnosed with BPD in my late teens. I was angry it stole away my late teens and my early adulthood. I was angry that I hated the world. I was angry that I didn't know who I was. I was angry that the world was moving forward, and I was stuck. I was an angry angry person.

I went from specialist to specialist. I was in and out of hospital. All of this because someone told me to seek help. They went with me to these appointments, so really, as a teenager, i couldn't get out of it. But deep down, in retrospect, I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to make changes. I wasn't ready to seek help.

Years later, living in absolute torture, I sought help - myself. From there, I was admitted into an outpatient Mentalisation Based Therapy clinic (personality disorder specialist) for 18 months of intensive therapy. I was skeptical - i didn't think I would make it to my next birthday. I remember saying to the assessment team, "This is my last chance. If this doesn't work, nothing will."

5 years on, I'm here. I can celebrate my journey. I am so grateful for everything. I have learnt so much and I have met the most amazing people. I can see my mindset and thinking has shifted. Although it's been a difficult journey, it's been a journey of real awakenings.

Having BPD has made me a more understanding, compassionate, and caring person. I've learnt so much, not only about myself, but human nature. I've learnt to embrace my BPD and run with it.

@Tayymarie , trust me, it's not all doom and gloom. Be patient. Reach out. And don't give up.

Take Care,

BPDSurvivor

@NatureLover

In response to: I have read up that BPD never goes away and it makes me want to end it

Lise07Senior Contributor20 Aug 2021, 9:20 am AEST

Re: I have read up that BPD never goes away and it makes me want to end it

@Tayymarie

Everything you've written sounds painfully relatable, so if both of us often feel like we're not really alive, there's a chance of us finding more people to form a ghost army to take over the world Apologies if my dark humour sounds a bit crass; it personally helps me cope. I was once sitting on the floor having a cry and a rant about not feeling alive, when I grabbed a kombucha to drink and noticed the label had "Alive inside" written on it. I couldn't help but laugh hysterically.

I relate my feeling to the old TV show "Sliders": I feel like periods of my life have just been jumping from one parallel universe to the next but none of them really feel like 'home'.

What keeps me going is curiosity — even if I'm in a cinema watching a terrible movie, I will stubbornly refuse to walk out because I've already paid my money and I want to know how it ends. Ending it all might save you pain, but it would also deprive you of the chance to find something that eases it and makes you feel alive.

I'm not going to tell you "it gets better" because that seems glib. The only thing I (or anyone else for that matter) can be sure of is "it will change". I hope you'll want to stick around to find out how.

In response to: Re: I have read up that BPD never goes away and it makes me want to end it

TayymarieCasual Contributor20 Aug 2021, 9:58 am AEST

Re: I have read up that BPD never goes away and it makes me want to end it

Yeah, I’m 21 and a mother to a 2 year old

In response to: I have read up that BPD never goes away and it makes me want to end it

DaisydreamerSenior Contributor20 Aug 2021, 11:44 am AEST

Re: I have read up that BPD never goes away and it makes me want to end it

Hi @Tayymarie,

I can hear reading through your post how painful and challenging it has been for you to hold this in. We are grateful you have found this space and had the courage to share how you are feeling

You've taken a really brave step to reach out when you are sitting with some big thoughts and feelings, and I hope that you will find lots of supportive people here such as @Arizona @NatureLover @BPDSurvivor @Lise07

If you don't mind me asking, do you have people in your life that you trust to turn to and who support you? (for example friends, family, professionals)

In response to: I have read up that BPD never goes away and it makes me want to end it

Owen45Senior Contributor20 Aug 2021, 12:47 pm AEST

Re: I have read up that BPD never goes away and it makes me want to end it

True, BPD never goes away, but managing it day by day is my strategy.

In response to: I have read up that BPD never goes away and it makes me want to end it

wellwellwellnezSenior Contributor20 Aug 2021, 7:17 pm AEST

Re: I have read up that BPD never goes away and it makes me want to end it

I want to share this link. It was my wake-up call. I'm actually more of a "nervous cluster" type, myself. So, I look at your cluster with just a little bit of envy and a whole lot of reverence. You have one strength that might be the most important strength when it comes to recovery.

It might seem a bit ironic but there's elements in your traits that are exactly what you need (and people like me (and also the eccentric cluster types) need even more). In a nutshell, you put yourself out there.

It makes you like a guru to some of us. No pressure.

https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/news/20020628/personality-disorders-change-over-time

In response to: Re: I have read up that BPD never goes away and it makes me want to end it

ArizonaSenior Contributor21 Aug 2021, 11:45 am AEST

Re: I have read up that BPD never goes away and it makes me want to end it

Hi @Tayymarie

I'm sorry, I'm terrible at remembering to come back and reply to posts.

I hope my comments didn't sound insensitive. What I was trying to say is I think you have a lot more going for you than you realise. And I'm so glad that @BPDSurvivor and others stopped by to offer their support. I wish you all the best with your recovery journey 😊

In response to: I have read up that BPD never goes away and it makes me want to end it

DivinityNew Contributor24 Aug 2021, 2:23 pm AEST

Re: I have read up that BPD never goes away and it makes me want to end it

Take it from me, you absolutely can recover from BPD. I have engaged in intensive dialectical behaviour therapy (fully funded through a government health service) and it has changed my life. The official book by Marcia Linehan is helpful and she also has you tube videos. There is definitely hope. I encourage you to be persistent and never give up seeking help. It is worth it.

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