Too much is happening

Hi everyone,

I'm new to this and quite frankly am not the type of person who easily reaches out for help, as it's quite difficult for me to admit I'm drowning. I have been enduring through a lot lately and it's just too much.

A little bit of background on me. I've uprooted my life and made a lot of sacrifices for my significant other, including an international move from a life I loved and a job I loved. This was almost ten years ago. Upon arriving to Australia, we lived in an extremely regional town and coming from a very busy place, it was quite the adjustment for me. But, it was the sacrifice I made to be with my partner. After a year, I was diagnosed with a chronic disease which I was able to cope with as I felt okay with the rest of my life for that period. Little did I know that for five and a half years of my life living in Australia, I was going to experience severe loneliness and the inability to make friends as my significant others job required several relocations. Finally we settled in a town and through my job, eventually I did make a few friends and had finally started to feel settled after five years. We then decided it was time to have a child. It was a very happy time and I really felt so fulfilled and a high level of life satisfaction. Over the course of my child's babyhood, I met some beautiful people and had really started to feel great and settled after six years. I was growing my friendships with these people, going out and actually having my own life outside of our relationship. I decided to quit the career I had for ten years and change direction in my life. My partner was very supportive and I was excited about something for the first time in a long time. I felt empowered and was so excited as where we lived, my new business was just going to take off.

Fast forward to the beginning of this year and it has literally all gone to hell. My partner decided he was no longer satisfied in his job because he couldn't climb the corporate ladder to a more powerful position. So, he again asked me to sacrifice my entire life and uproot my life again for him. Relocate six hours away so he could have satisfaction in his job, even though it meant me sacrificing my new business. I chose to endure yet again. During the time my partner decided this, I started to develop some other health issues but I tried to ignore them as they were not severe.

However, this move was a lot more complicated and the new health issues that were manifesting ended up to be way more serious than predicted. Additionally, right before our move, I lost a pet I had for 15 years. This was extremely devastating for me and I believe after this it has just been a train off the tracks.

The move was okay as we were lucky enough for my partner's job to pay for the relocation. However, us relocating required to live in a rental for several months then buy a house and then move again, all in the course of four months. Being the stay at home parent, I bared the brunt of unpacking and organising our house on top of our child's reaction to the first move because of my partner's long work hours. I tried my best to stay positive even though our child was lashing out extremely. He was biting , hitting and not sleeping. My partner didn't see any of this because he spent an hour and a half with our child and then I put him to sleep. I am the one to wake in the night with my child because of my partner's work schedule. All the while, my partner was not exactly helpful, making comments that were not exactly okay in my.opinion. For instance, oh he slept through last night, you must feel great; reality, our child did not sleep through that night and was up a lot more than he was asleep. But yet, I continued to endure ensuring the house was clean, meals were cooked, and his cup was being filled. I became very overwhelmed and my health issues began to decline rapidly. I ended up in the ER twice and the doctors could not figure out what was wrong. I lived in constant pain and just continued to try to keep my head above water.

Prior to our relocation, my partner promised we would not buy a house that was old and required a lot of renovations and maintenance. We both agreed to either buy new or build. I was tasked with looking for houses and we found a few new builds but unfortunately they'd all go under contract prior to us putting an offer in. My partner then told me to go have a look at a house and I was not crazy about it. The floors needed A LOT of work, and by a lot I mean your foot is almost falling through some floorboards. I reported back to him but he decided to go for a tour on his own to have a look. He then returns home saying it's his dream home and he can't imagine living anywhere else. Again, here I am making a sacrifice because I want my partner to be happy and I'm thinking it will eventually grow on me and I'll make it a home. So we move in and relocate yet again. After a week of living in the house, he starts complaining about all the things wrong with it. Constant complaining about the work that's required to maintain the house, all the things we need to do, etc. I begin having extreme feelings of resentment because hang on, I thought this was your dream home and you just couldn't live without it. So on top of all this, I'm living and trying to cope with extreme incessant bodily pain. I've just been diagnosed with a rare form of arthritis due to my chronic disease.

Every day is a struggle and every day I simply feel I can't cope. I feel as if 2021 has not been at all positive. I haven't seen my family, whom I'm extremely close with and had been lucky enough to see at least once a year, since before Covid. I realise I made the choice to move away from my family in the first place, but I would have never imagined I wouldn't see my family for this long of a period of time.

The weight of everything has broken me down and I no longer feel joy. I try my best to keep a smile on my face for my child, but lately that is not even manageable. I no longer have the strength to be a mother and a wife. I no longer feel satisfaction in my marriage or in being a mother.

Has anyone experienced these feelings before? Did you find your way out of it? Did you need meds to get yourself out of this hole, or did you find therapy to be beneficial? I realise it's up to me to dig myself out of this hole but I just don't know where to start. Thank you in advance, and thank you for reading this war and peace of a novel.